BLE: Corned Beef and Cabbage

Dinner yesterday was so delicious, and I am having left overs for lunch today. I prepared the corned beef a little bit differently than usual, and it's amazing what small changes can evoke.

I started the usual way, rinsing and patting dry the roast, but this time I covered it in dijon mustard before setting it fat side up in the roasting pan. The pickling spices went on top, then I added a large sliced onion to the pan and about 2 cups of beef broth. Covered tightly in foil it went in a 350 degree oven for an hour. Pulling it out, I added in the next two onions, quartered this time, five really large carrots cut into chunks, about six medium red potatoes cut into quarters the long way, and one large cabbage also quartered topped the rest of the veg. 

Once again pressing the foil tightly on to the pan, it went back in the over for another two hours. (It was about a four pound roast.) Everything was perfectly tender and everything one could hope for on St. Paddy's Day. From my perspective at least. The change? The layer of mustard. And I will definitely do this again next year.

The past few days have flown by in a lazy sort of way. Cal had treatment  Tuesday and we are adjusting to the fallout. This time Chemo has him zipping around, wanting to be outside, and very demanding. Well, that last part isn't new, so it's just been a tiring week in more ways than one. We've been to the park, gardened in the back yard, and he's had multiple trips down the roller coaster in the driveway.

Not every night has been Bright, but most of them have been. I haven't been able to do my meditation 'homework' from my IFS program because Cal hasn't been napping until I'm off to the next job. No rest for the wicked, me or him.

And he needs more pancakes ( the food of choice this week) so I am off.

BLE: Groceries and plans for a Bright week

And I'm back with a Bright night in my pocket.

Early this morning as I maneuvered my way through the other shoppers filling their carts with groceries, a light came on, and I realized I was glad to be filling my cart with lots of veggies, grains, and beans. It made me realize how gloomy I have been this past week, and how sneaky depression is, it's approach so gradual and quiet that it goes unnoticed until one looks up and notices the dark storm clouds that have gathered.

G reminded me in group this morning that food is medicine, and that she always gets a boost when upping her raw veggie intake. Which is what I've been doing the past two days, and probably why the light came back on.  The truisms abound today; we are what we eat, we are responsible for keeping our own light on, eat with the intention of being visible. This is one of the shining examples of why group is so valuable, we can remind each other of the important tools and knowledge we now share to overcome our food addiction.

I am always happy when I can sit down and list off accomplishments; there are beans soaking on the stove, and the microwave just beeped to let me know the rice is done. I will be making Spanish rice later today, and refried beans tomorrow. I splurged this morning and picked up some frozen veggies to use during the week, and have grapes, onions, and Brussels sprouts to roast this afternoon. And I found some small packages of quick cooking grains to incorporate into breakfast, and will spend some time this week planning on how to use them. For sure I will use the Farro with green chilies, egg and cheese.

There is another package of Soyrizo in the back up fridge, and will end up in a breakfast recipe with another of the grains.

I'll be baking meatballs today. While I am leaning into a more plant based diet, I have been missing what used to be a staple. I'll still split the protein with beans, seeds, or nuts so that they last longer, and I won't feel so guilty about eating the animal protein. That whole thought is wrong in so many ways. I understand the guilt, and I understand it is wrong that I am planning on eating anything that makes me feel bad. But you know...addict! Or should I say, recovering addict!

I'm hoping to find some 'chocolate sprinkles' cherry tomatoes today so we can get them in the ground. And I'll be setting up a pallet in the back yard for the peas to climb - the little plants are already looking very happy in their pots. I also planted some purple kale, hot and cold red peppers, and a zucchini. Oh, and sage for the patio - the best defense against the flies that are tempted to congregate on the patio in the summer.

There are flowers in pots out front, and I can see the branches swollen with buds on the tree outside my window.  It may be a chilly day, but the signs of Spring are everywhere, and my heart is filled with hope this morning thinking about the day and week to come.

Today's Food (because it's not what I planned last night):

(b) cheese on Ezekiel raisin toast, roasted pecans, banana & berries

(l)  black bean burgers, corn, apple

(d) meatballs & roasted veggies, salad with pepitas

BLE: Soyrizo

Years ago when I started following Dr. Fuhrman's eating for nutrition I went through a phase of attempting to find substitutes for meat. I was not successful, nothing was tasty enough to use and eventually I gave up. WFPB wasn't a popular thing yet, but whole foods, plant based was what I ended up eating most of the time. Recently soyrizo made it's way back into the house but my negative memories of the soy processed 'meats' kept me from having any.

However, R said it was good, and one day this week I decided it might be worth a try and cooked up a batch. First I used it to split my protein in a bean soup. It was good! Then I used it to split my protein in my rice & beans for breakfast, and again I liked the resulting dish. Now for the past two nights I have been using it to split my protein in a large dinner salad, and it was just as good cold as warm. Nice to know there is another go-to for the recipe box!

Now for a quick recap since I have been either forgetting to journal or just not wanting to record the past few days. After a week of being Bright, I started to eat again at night, and have for the past three nights. I can walk by potato chips all day, and ignore leftover bites of syrupy pancakes, but come midnight the bad wolf starts howling and whining and scratching at his metaphysical cage. Interesting that I think of him as a male wolf, I wonder what that's all about. Usually I think of my 'tough chick' as being the rebel, who, like Lucy of Charlie Brown fame proclaims to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!"

Let me just say that I am not a fan of chocolate covered banana chips, but have managed to polish off a whole bag over the past few nights. Thank heavens they are gone. I can only think they are the reason I have been tired and grumpy, because at least my days are still Bright. I have pumped up the raw greens these past two days in an effort to increase my energy, and will have a chance to regroup this weekend. I'm even contemplating having green smoothies for breakfast for a bit to see if that helps. I can split my protein between nut milk and ground flax, use frozen berries for my fruit, and throw in an ounce of oatmeal for the grain. And if I remember amounts correctly, I can probably use 3oz berries and sub in 3oz spinach. While we are advised to NOT blend our food, there are no BLE police. And I remember how great I felt drinking these each morning. The flax is great for depression, as are the greens, and I was always full until lunch.  Just thinking about it, and will make sure I have everything I need on hand should I decide to start doing that.

Back's pinching, gotta go. But I am leaving with the intention of NOT eating anything tonight. I felt so good having a week of Bright days under my belt, and I want to feel that again.

Tomorrow's Food:

• (b)  sausage on toast, oranges
• (l)  lentil soup, apple
• (d)  roasted veg 'pizza' casserole

BLE: Sweet Potato for breakfast this time

Today I baked three servings of what I usually call Yam Pudding, but I made some changes so I think I need to start coming up with different names for the different variations. In this version I swapped out the milk for cottage cheese, and incorporated fruit. The ingredients below are for three breakfast servings; 1 protein, 1 grain, and 1 fruit.

• 12 oz cooked yams
• 6 oz cottage cheese
• 3 eggs
• 18 oz fruit (1 small apple, large banana, red grapes to balance of portion)
• apple pie spice, extra ground ginger
• splash of vanilla

I turned the oven on to preheat for 350, and filled the kettle with water to boil.

Then I weighed out the fruit (skins yes, seeds no) and gave it five minutes in the microwave to soften before blending it together into a fragrant, sweet smelling mash.  While it cooled, I hand mixed together the remaining ingredients until uniform, then stirred in the cooled fruit.

I know by now to first weigh the dishes I will use to cook the pudding so that the portions are even. For me and these dishes, it meant that one of the three portions should weigh 1.5 ounces heavier than the other two. If you're eating all three portions over the course of the week it doesn't really matter. But wanting each portion to be as close as possible to exactly a Bright Line meal in case my daughter wanted one, I took the time to pre-weigh the dishes before dividing the pudding  mix between the three ceramic dishes.

The dishes went into a baking dish, and once the oven was hot and the water boiling, I placed the pan in the oven and filled it with the hot water to cover the dishes half way.  Setting the timer for 45 minutes, I went to play with Cal.

I won't know how this is until tomorrow morning. I woke up today thinking of subbing in cream cheese for a 'cheese cake' feel, but we don't get a fat at breakfast so used the cottage cheese instead. My twice baked potatoes use cottage cheese in them, so I figure a starch is a starch and expect the pudding to be light and flavourful.

Oh, and speaking of fat, I did use a dab of butter in each dish to thoroughly coat the sides and bottom to prevent sticking, so a very little bit of fat.

Speaking of food, dinner tonight was left over Mississippi pot roast with sautéed onions and broccolini. I was short a couple of ounces so sat and munched raw carrot after dinner just to make sure I ate all 14 oz of veggies with my dinner.

Time for some sweet and spicy tea as I head to work for the evening. 

UPDATE:  The cottage cheese added a tartness to the dish that was unexpected. While still a good breakfast, I will not do this again - the second day it was too tart for me. I will go back to the original recipe of using a nut milk for the protein.

BLE: Sweet Potato

Dinner was so delicious I wanted to write it down for future reference, even though it was mostly left overs.

What I had on hand:

• Left over Cauliflower rice w/ lime & cilantro
• Left over top sirloin that had been pounded, seasoned with taco spices, & BBQ'd
• Left over Brussels Sprouts sautéed with onion

I cooked a huge sweet potato to make yam pudding in the morning for breakfast. There is probably enough for four breakfast puddings, and I will get it all prepped and ready to bake off in the morning. But in the meantime, I had the beautiful skin left over, and I immediately thought of stuffing it. The two halves of the skin had barely any potato clinging to them and still all told weighed 8.1 ounces. I diced up the left over Brussels sprouts and mixed in the left over cauliflower. I distributed the mixture over the two halves, bringing the total veggie weight up to almost 13 ounces - just shy of the 14 ounces on plan for dinner. But knowing the skin would be filling, I didn't worry about the small shortage of veggies.

Next, on each side I weighed out an ounce of left over steak that was spicy and already diced for use in salads. Then over that I weighed half an ounce of cheese on each side. That's my protein, 2 oz steak and 1 oz cheese. Oh, and I had added an ounce of butter split between the two skins.

Into the microwave for a few minutes to heat everything through, and dinner was done.

I am full and happy, the sweet potato was a great equalizer for how extra spicy the steak was, and the combination of flavours was delicious. I should have taken a picture, because it was also pretty with the dark red skin and the white melted cheese (Italian blend of parmesan, Motz, and Romano I think) over the diced steak.

I will definitely be making this again,  and eventually I will likely devise a healthier version.  While we usually count sweet potato as a grain and not a vegetable, I am rationalizing that the skin is so high in fiber and nutrients that it's an acceptable vegetable as I used it. As Susan says, there are no Bright Line Police, and I do realize this is a one off meal, not an everyday dinner.

Now to zone out in front of Tomb Raider on Netflix, cuz, you know, no Amazon this week!

BLE: Five Bright Nights in a row

The first Bright night was my Birthday, and I'm realizing now that it's a great starting place to count how many Bright nights I have in a row.  I want a whole week, which I have done before, but more than that I want to reach ten days in a row. While I probably had that many in a row back in the beginning, I wasn't tracking anything then. Thinking about it, the only reason I am tracking now is a commitment I made to myself on 5/6/2020 when I sketched out my first 100 day block. Looking back in my paper journal there were only a dozen Bright Nights in that first of five blocks. The second block had 39 Bright Nights, and the third had only 23.  

It's easy now to look back and see that the third block was full of IFS work, and that while I was learning about my parts, my lines suffered. But almost always my days were Bright, and just my nights were broken. And I have learned so much, I cannot begrudge my past self her broken lines, because I know it brought me here.

I am feeling a little tired this morning, and I have a crick in my neck that I need to attend to in a bit, but what I don't have is a feeling of hopelessness.  For now at least, it is just gone, and I can clearly see my path forward; reaching ten days in a row, then a month. And I can really see all the way to living in my right sized body.

I was exactly 200 pounds on the scale this morning. The scale was still in the bathroom and my pjs were practically falling off anyway, so I stepped on. And it came to me that I really know, deep in my heart, that this is the week that I keep my Bright Lines and break through to the 100s. Onederland or Wonderland...whatever, just a number that helps mark the way to the smaller body I know is waiting for me.

The scale is still going back to the garage today. If and when I want to weigh I can borrow R's scale, or go to the garage and weigh there since the weather should continue to improve as we head into Spring. I think May 1st is a good goal, and I don't plan on having to weigh until then.

It's another gorgeous day outside, and I have some gardening to do after my MMG this morning. I am so thankful for this group who has helped me reach this point in my recovery from food addiction. And even more grateful that they will be there for me if and when I fall on my face again. Just knowing that fills me with power and peace; the power to succeed, and the peace to accept whatever is coming my way.

Power and Peace. Interesting that they can co-exist in such a positive way.

My belly full of toast, sausage, and purple grapes, I leave to enjoy my day.

BLE: Committing to Life

I think common sense won out on March 1st, and I did not weigh myself. Or maybe it was the cheesy bread I ate in the middle of the night, and knowing I would be heavy in the morning just couldn't get on the scale. Both cases are probably true, but the bottom line is that I did eventually weigh myself on the fourth after three Bright Days and Nights in a row, and saw a new low number since starting Bright Line Eating. 201.2 to be exact, or as exacting as my scale can be at any given moment. Yesterday was lower again at 201.8 - the closest I've been to breaking 200 in about ten years? I think it was 2009 when I had lost weight and competed in the senior archery tournament.

I haven't weighed since, and while the scale is still in the bathroom it's only because I keep forgetting to grab it on the way to the garage. I plan on focusing on my lines and forgetting about the number for at least until 5/1. Or maybe 5/4 - you know, "May the force (fourth) be with you!"

In an affirmation of my little streak of Bright nights, I stopped on the way home from work and picked up some new bras in a smaller size. I'm happy with the fit, but realized on trying them on that only one of them is adjustable to a smaller size. But they were cheap as such things go, and I have no problem buying new ones as needed, so I'm keeping them all.

But I need to address something that has been much on my mind. The chatter in my head keeps trying to justify\explain\excuse away the thought that keeps surfacing. I was so concerned about not being able to 'come all the way in, and sit all the way down' when finally the root of the problem presented itself in an aha moment earlier this week. That's what a caring master mind group and a brain free from drugs for a few days will do to you. It wasn't about me not wanting to keep my lines bright, it was about not being sure I wanted to even be here. Not in Bright Line Eating, but in Life.

Life. That thing I have been holding on to for the sake of my daughter, my mother, my grandchildren. But not for myself. I have held a grudge my whole life, one of my earliest memories is swinging on the gate in front of our house, and remembering coming from someplace wonderful, and bemoaning the fact that I had to be here. Here, in this most mundane and tiresome of places. I have thought about that memory many times in my life, and thought of it in different ways depending on where I was on  my journey. At one point I succumbed to the inevitable that I was here for a reason, and that eventually it would present itself, or not, and that I just needed to gracefully accept the fact that I would be here as long as it took and than I might never know the why.

But when Joey died, it all became more confusing. If I was here to love him during his short and hard life, wasn't my job done? Couldn't I just go now? But no, I couldn't disappoint the family that was left, that's not what a 'good girl' does. It's not that they wouldn't do fine without me, but at this age I know that the stigma of the act on those that remain is a dark and ugly thing. So I stayed. Not that I ever actually thought about ending my life. But I often use to tell myself as a girl, that if things were so bad that I felt the urge to leave, I could catch a freight steamer to another part of the world and just have a different life. I realize now that this thought was a way to vent steam, and that some part of me knew I needed the option to stay sane.

So there I was, thinking about what it is I really want as opposed to what I 'have to do' or 'should do', and the thought came that in order to really want things for myself, I need to want to be here. Here on earth. A spiritual being having a human experience. Whatever. But really here. And that's when I had to look at that question seriously. Do I want to be here? After a life spent rebelling against having to be here, could I really embrace the experience, and come all the way in, and sit all the way down. 

Because all of a sudden I knew that if I was going to accomplish anything in what is left of my life, I was going to have to make that decision. Did I really want to be here? 

I'm pretty sure the answer is yes.