BLE: Daily Weighing - reviewing the January experiment

The last day of January is finally here, and it was with genuine relief that I carried the scale out to the garage; may we both enjoy the reprieve from me stepping on it each morning. 

I was dismayed to see a gain this morning, but it wasn't unexpected as I ate last night. During my master mind group meeting I did a quick review from my paper journal and here are the figures.

From the first day on Bright Line Eating - Down 29.6 lbs, so maintaining my  original loss

From the first day of weighing daily - Down 2.4 lbs 

From my lowest numbers since starting BLE - Up 1 lb

So just a bunch of numbers that really don't mean anything except that weighing daily did not act as a stick or a carrot when it came to losing weight. What it did do was make me think about how I felt each morning; dreading a 'bad' number, hopeful for a 'good' number, and reacting in some fashion, mental or physical, to whatever I saw. I just feel that in all ways it was a revisit to diet mentality, and really pretty damaging. For me. This is all about finding out what works for me.

"Focus on your weight, and you'll lose your Bright lines, focus on your Bright Lines, and you'll lose the weight."  I know this, have felt this to be a truism, but guess I just needed to commit to something and see myself follow through. Now I know for sure that for me, stepping on the scale each morning is not a healthy choice.  It's really just a pain in the ass; thinking about wearing the same pajamas each morning, or disrobing to weigh naked in the biting cold of winter; trying to figure out if what I ate the day before was too salty, or if I had had enough water to drink; trying to analyze what I ate in terms of caloric intake, or if I ate too much unhealthy fat, or if I had weighed my salad dressing. Thinking of the food chatter this daily act added to each day I have a hard time imagining that I ever thought it was a good idea to do this. I have, after all, decades of experience that already supports my findings of this past month.

But it was mostly all about perspective, and analyzing this through the lens of BLE. Just maybe, I thought, knowing I am a food addict, and having an eating plan, will change my relationship with the scale. But no, I think there is too much water under the bridge for that to happen, and I am looking forward to not thinking about a number in February.  That being said, I know myself well enough to imagine it will be many times during the next 28 days that my mind wanders into the no man's land of I wondering about it, what the number might be, and maybe even be tempted to bring the scale in from the garage. But I am committing to not weighing until March 1st, and instead I will be focusing on keeping my lines bright, so that's not going to happen.

I think the intermittent fasting is going well, and that having Bright Lines to keep during my 8 hour eating window will make all the difference from my last attempt when I totally overate during the hours when I was not fasting.

So February:  

1. Intermittent Fasting (eating only 8am to 4pm)
2. Focusing on Bright Lines
3. Limiting Dairy & Meat

Number three is for healing, to support the intention behind the fasting. I mean, if my goal is pain relief, why am I eating foods that are known to be carcinogenic and inflammatory? So I didn't buy any meat at the grocery store this morning, instead picking up a couple of bags of dried beans. I have sun dried tomatoes, peppers, spinach etc. to make some flavourful batches of plant protein to have on hand in the fridge, and I picked up lots of salad fixings. 

G from my MMG reminded me this morning how wonderful the detox from animal protein feels, and I do remember from following Dr. Fuhrman years ago that about three days in I felt the change; the added energy, the cleansing of body and spirit. And I must say that I am looking forward to all of that.

This is easily said after a large salad for lunch that incorporated left over meatballs. I have one more serving of those, as well as one more serving of breakfast sausage, but I will pack those both up in freezer bags today to store for another time, or not, we will see.

I had a busy start for a Sunday; grocery shopping, meeting with my MMG, taking a walk with the family, preparing a Bright Line Lunch, and finally this journal entry. Time to rest a bit before doing some cooking, and organizing the fridge for the coming week.

It feels good to have an action plan based on experience and science, and not just on good intentions - which I have noted before on numerous occasions just leads to Hell. It feels good to know I have support and resources, and that I am not crazy, and not alone. I am connected to the world - entangled as they would say in what I believe is quantum physics, or mechanics, or whatever; it's definitely above my pay grade - but I will lean into that connection, and I will thrive.

How wonderful the scent of fresh Hyacinth in my room. I revel in it, in this moment, and in feeling the energy that connects me to everything else through this amazing smell. And this moment truly is enough. I am enough.

BLF: Three Bright Nights

This morning I did crawl back into bed, and with the magic we all take for granted, summoned a movie on Netflix. A beautiful but dismal movie with Ralph Fiennes, The Dig, that suited my quiet, inquisitive, nature. At eight I was up to make breakfast, but there was a little man sitting at the table  ahead of me while his parents bustled about in the kitchen making him pancakes. As chance would have it, we were both wearing our Christmas pajamas, and after we both spent a minute admiring them I was invited to sit.  A quick trip to the kitchen, and we ate a quiet breakfast together. Sort of. The ever present iPad was entertaining him as he ate, while I enjoyed just being there.  Really being there. The crunch of my buttered toast, the juicy flavourful sausages, and the bite of the blood orange that graced my plate. Enjoying such a rich and delicious breakfast, I was able to admire C's pancake without envy. 

The sky is a field of grey, plowed into rivulets that let through the silver light from the sun, so bright that I cannot do more than glance out my window in admiration before turning back to my screen.

I am grateful this morning for three Bright nights in a row. Thankful that I was able to continue my nightly conversations that are keeping me in bed and out of the kitchen. And hopeful that this new habit will see me on my way down the path of Bright Line Eating that has been stalled for the past year. Focusing on small daily habits is helping, embracing the idea that there really is only now, and spending time each day finding articles that help focus my inner-directives are all activities that are playing a part in this new attitude and work.

Because it is work, in it's own quiet way. Not a parade of grand intentions, but instead a gentle going forth armed with creative tools that have been formed by so many others who have traveled this road before me. Some of them before I was born, but only now coming to my attention in a way meaningful to my own personal journey. What is it they say, when you are ready to learn, a teacher will appear? Something like that. 

A small spark of joy ignites within me that after years of struggle, maybe I am finally ready. 

What a wonderful thought.

Today's Food:

b)  buttered toast, sausages, blood orange

l)  meatballs I made yesterday, 'spaghetti' sauce I also made, apple

d)  chopped salad w\ red kale, cauliflower, carrots & onions, chick peas, & bleu cheese

BLF: Another Bright Night and a Good Morning

It's been a while since I actually got up in the morning upon waking instead of climbing back into bed after visiting the loo. Maybe I am excited about having another Bright night, maybe my energy level is up, or my depression level is down. But for whatever reason I am up, my bed is made, and I am contemplating a shower.  It's just one day, and I will try not to over analyze it. Even as I type the chill of the room is compelling me to move; to either dress or get in the shower.

Last night was another parts conversation with my three protectors, but even after that I ended up in the kitchen for a moment of contemplation. The thought that drove me back to bed? That it was just too much of a bother to figure out what to eat, and then telling my body to head back to the bedroom. So not a magic trick, just being aware enough to be using all the tools at my disposal.

I'm looking forward to rice & beans at 8am, and a fruit salad of kiwi, banana,  orange and blueberries. Eating my food in an 8 hour window is working fine. I do get a little hungry in the mornings, but it's just a feeling and not stressful at all. In the evenings I am back at my little desk, sipping a night time herbal tea, and working here at my computer for hours instead of out in the living room and tempted by snacking. So I'm  distracted and isolated from the kitchen until bedtime. A little more belly grumbling as I ready myself to sleep for the night, but I just reassure myself this is a sign of progress. It evokes s a memory of when I first started Bright Line Eating a year ago this past October, when I would come in and lie down to watch tv before bed, and actually enjoy the feeling of hunger as I knew it meant I was losing weight.

Speaking of weight, I was up point 4 on the scale this morning, and I am really looking forward to this month of daily weighing to be over. I would rather just enjoy the feeling of being a little lighter this morning instead of trying to analyze what that means in light of the scale insisting that I am heavier. Fluctuating is normal for me, and I'm hoping that come February I will put the scale in the garage for awhile. Maybe a month, maybe forever, depending on how next month goes without this unwelcome stick hanging over my head. I want to follow the plan, trust in the Bright Lines, stick to the intermittent fasting, and see what happens.

And that's a good sign, the curiosity, a very good sign. Because for those who don't know, being curious comes from our authentic selves, and to me indicates mental health, which is a great sight better than the crazy land I so often inhabit when it comes to my weight.

So I end the week grateful for this morning's energy,  and even more grateful for the peace of mind I am enjoying. Not to say there isn't a little food chatter still going on, but the calm of watching myself follow a plan and giving it a chance to work. As they like to say in BLE, "You've Got This!"

And this morning I really believe that I do.

BLF: parts work and intermittent fasting

It has rained more in the past day than it has in months, at least that is how it feels and sounds. Twice C and I have jogged out to the garage; once for chocolate covered pretzels,  and just now for peanuts. We had been drawing in the dining room, when I noticed movement on the table just outside the window. A plump brown squirrel with red highlights was daintily eating one of my succulent plants. If there were no window I could have almost reached out and touched him. Or her. Who knows. Hence the trip for peanuts to put in the feeder, an attempt to save the potted plant. 

I worry that our peanuts have increased the squirrel population, but we do enjoy seeing them run around; it makes it easier to pretend we are in the forest.

I had a Bright Night last night. I lay in bed a couple of different times feeling my belly grumble, but both times I had the presence of mind to call an internal parts meeting. "You want to eat, I don't. Discuss" Sort of like not letting the kids drive the car, I led the meeting and laid out my defense in a clear, calm, and reasonable way. "If we want to take advantage of intermittent fasting and see if it will heal our pain, we shouldn't eat until 8am". Nothing from the prosecution. "If we don't at least try, we'll never know if this works." Again, no response. And finally, "I promise this feeling will go away if we just breathe slowly and give it a few minutes - maybe 20 at the most."

The meeting sort of dissipated rather than being adjourned, but as the parts disappeared so did the chatter and the impulse to get out of bed.  While I did watch tv before finally settling down to try and sleep, I stayed in bed without any fuss and did get some rest.

Today I may be a little less tired than I have been the past several months, even planning on a walk in the rain with C if he is up to it. So far he is not, and has put up his own defense for staying in his pajamas all day. I'm not one to argue too much on that point, especially with it being so wet and chilly outside.

I've been back and forth a dozen times trying to finish this up, between my little desk and the kitchen where I am attempting to present something he finds edible. C's most recent request is spaghetti, and I am just waiting for the noodles to cool off before placing the bowl in front of him. I can hear the scissors slicing away as he destroys our latest drawing while he waits, probably having already forgotten the food. 

I am looking forward to another Bright Night as I always do after I've had one. Please let this be the night I break my chain, and get some relief.

201.4

I feel like I scored a field goal last night; I wasn't Bright thanks to a miniature box of yogurt covered raisins, but I did see a new low number on the scale this morning. So not a touch down, but not a fail.  The important part is that I am trying. I think my midnight snack was more a token to my rebel, saying, "Look, you're right, no one is going to tell us we can't eat, but really, we don't need to be a pig." Peace negotiations.

I think the intermittent fasting is going well, I'm actually enjoying the little grumble in my belly as I wait to break my fast at 8am instead of eating first thing in the morning. I've made my bed, had a shower, and I'm dressed and ready for the day. I'm also listening to a little craziness on CNN. I guess it was unrealistic that with Trump out of office the fanatical section of his supporters would just fade away.  But listening to what some of them believe is insane. Oh, and then there are the rioters who are now using him as their excuse.  And half the country not wanting a Covid vaccine? Really? I need to turn the channel.

Or better yet, turn off the boob tube. Done.

Today's Food:

b)  rice & beans, cheese & salsa, kiwi

l)  deviled eggs, raw veggies, apple

d)  roasted pork & veggies, maybe a green salad

Mood: tolerable, and even a little optimistic

I'm looking forward to another Bright Day; it makes me feel good to know I am eating plenty of food, but not too much, and that staying on plan will get me where I want to go. "It's practicing the daily habits that give us peace and satisfaction, not reaching the goal." Or something like that.

It's already warmer than yesterday by 20 degrees, but I think that just means the clouds are thick and it will soon rain. I am hoping we make it out for a walk; yesterday we played 'tag,  you're it' in the driveway and C ended up turning his ankle again. I am worried about it, it's happening too often, but it's so important for him to play when he has the energy. What to do, what to do. Well for sure, not running around the eucalyptus tree again!

Time to put the kettle on,  and set some tea to brewing. Maybe something green this morning since I will be driving in to work at the office this evening.

BLF: Internal and External politics

I have just watched President Biden sign legislation to continue the work against racism in our country, and Senators being sworn in to abide by the constitution during the 2nd impeachment trial of former president Trump. How clearly the juxtaposition of the actions of these two men show their characters. I am so grateful that most Americans made what to me was clearly the right choice. And my love & light go out to our new president to support him in his efforts to address the concerns and fears of those who didn't choose him as a path forward. Truly, so many of us just want 'liberty and justice for all'. For All.

C is snuggled up on my bed watching Super Wings as I sit to type, and with all that is going on in the world what am I thinking of? Of a number, a stupid number. Because 202 seems to be where I stop, and today my focus is breaking through that barrier. I remember hovering around 200 before at different times in my life as I struggled with my weight and the loss thereof. So it's not an unexpected plateau, and I think that is part of the problem, this mental barrier that someone other than my own true self has set in place. And not just set, but firmly anchored with false expectations of what will happen if I cross over, break through, and manage to defeat this obstacle that is clearly only in my mind.

My focus today is on integration, bringing together the three protectors who have come forward in my IFS sessions and try to address their concerns with all the love and compassion I can muster. I am a middle child, Piscean woman who has depths of compassion for everyone else, and today I am dipping deep to find some for myself, so I can move forward. So I can have a second Bright night in a row, and keep working my way through the miasma of emotions that this dumb little number represents. That may be the wrong word, because I certainly don't feel that this number represents me, who I am, and what kind of person I think I am. Well, maybe it does represent the part of myself that I am trying to heal, I will give it that much.

How do I do that, what is my battle plan to ensure victory? To do the work, and visualizing each of the three, sitting around a table together with my own true self, and having a nice chat together, is certainly a good start. A glaring issue immediately pops up, and I realize that while I know exactly what they look like, I have no avatar for my own true self. So maybe that is the first step, to build a vision of how I see myself so I can take a place at the table. Nothing comes to mind, and as C is now on his way to an afternoon nap, I know what it is I need to do next. Meditate, and see what I can create.

It feels like a peace summit is looming, and I want to show up prepared to show these protectors what unity can mean for all of us going forward.

Sort of like running a small country, isn't it?

A quick check in

Yesterday was a lazy Sunday for the most part, and the details evade recollection so I imagine nothing of consequence occurred.  It's still cold, and I just want to scribble a few lines and then get ready for bed so I can start getting warm. I have decided that next Autumn I am going to rearrange my room so that my feet are not under the window come Winter. That or invest in some heated slippers.

Today began with C at my door asking, "Grama, can you go to the store and get me some peanut butter crackers?" I couldn't refuse, and since I was going I also picked up a roast for dinner and some logs for the fireplace. Dinner was nice, and there are lots of left overs to pack up some meals - a task for tomorrow.

I feel the need to add that I did not buy anything off plan at the store, because my thoughts have been a little erratic of late. I'm guessing fallout from parts work as that would fit the pattern. So I'm just hanging tight while things settle back down inside. But really, it would be nice if I didn't know there was left over pumpkin pie out in the garage.

We had a quiet day of chutes and ladders, hide n seek, and watching tv. Sometimes C just doesn't want to go out for a walk and I have to respect his energy level. Hopefully tomorrow he will be back in adventure mode and we'll head out for a walk once the morning chill has let up a bit.

God, I am rambling. Let's see, what else.  

Hmmmm, I got nothin'. 

Hot tea and bed it is then!

Tomorrow's Food:

b:  rice & beans, cheese & salsa, banana

l:  garbanzo beans, celery & onion, grapes & apples

d:  pork roast, veggies, green salad