Calvin 3.14.17 - 5.15.23

 Dear Cal,

Last Saturday was perfect weather for an outing, and hundreds of friends and family showed up to celebrate your life. I sat on the sidelines early in the morning watching so many people show up and work hard putting together a carnival for you. Remember when we would take Alan for horseback riding? Well, the man who came to give you the mohawk haircut is part of the same family, and they donated their ranch to hold the celebration for you. It's in the hills just to the North of us and you would have loved it there. Volunteers from Church, and the softball league, from both Mom and Dad's work, and their closest friends pulled together this miracle just for you. So much love and hard work for one little boy.

There were bounce houses, face & rock painting (of course Alan's rock was the best) and some made bracelets for anyone to make and take home with them.  We kept the rocks and may be going to spread them around the parks in town where you spent so much time, but we'll see.

Pastor D spoke in front of the crowd, and said so many wonderful things about you, and then everyone visited and it was time for lunch. Tacos and hot dogs, chocolate cupcakes, lemonade, and a truck making snow cones and I know you would have loved those. 

Standing in the middle of the ranch, and looking out over the hills it was so peaceful it soothed my heart for a moment, and I will always remember that. There were horses peeking through the fences at all the people, and it was nice to pat their noses and say hi. But still, our hearts were breaking along with so many others. Johnny was there with his parents and his new baby sister Josie; they are missing you so much.

I don't know yet how we are going to get on without you here laughing and running and yelling at Alan. But eventually we will, and as your Mom says, we will take  you with us where ever we go. 

Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life. Love always, Grama

Tired and cooking

 I'm exhausted, as is probably everyone in the house. Cal is having a rough time of it, not napping during the day, and waking up in pain at night. When he isn't mad at me, he's cuddling close, and at just the right combos of meds he eats. Currently he is having a lie down on the couch, having just finished a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk, and content to be quiet watching Gabby's Doll House.

I am killing time, about ten minutes, while my onions, peppers, and sun ripened tomatoes finish sautéing on the stove. I've had meat braising in crushed tomatoes for hours, and it's finally tender and ready to add to the veggies once they are done. It will be all cooked veggies tonight, I have no energy left to build a salad, and I'm hoping that my dinner is as delicious as it smells.

I've had a couple of stretches of bright days, but last night a fig newton got the better of me. After saying no a dozen times at work and on the way home, I guess I was out of will power. And needed some comfort? Cal crying in pain is not conducive to meditating or doing parts work in the middle of the night. It is what it is, and I'm having an easily Bright day today. He's been to the Dr to be checked out, and R has a schedule of meds to follow. The Oxy does NOT make him sleep, just tired and cranky and confused Please lord let his mouth heal quickly (the source of his pain) and get back on track with treatment. 

I miss our walks together, and our conversations about spiders and rocks. 

I think dinner must be done, which is good because all of a sudden I am starving. My body really knows when it's been four hours, and is not shy about letting me know all about it.

BLF: parts work and intermittent fasting

It has rained more in the past day than it has in months, at least that is how it feels and sounds. Twice C and I have jogged out to the garage; once for chocolate covered pretzels,  and just now for peanuts. We had been drawing in the dining room, when I noticed movement on the table just outside the window. A plump brown squirrel with red highlights was daintily eating one of my succulent plants. If there were no window I could have almost reached out and touched him. Or her. Who knows. Hence the trip for peanuts to put in the feeder, an attempt to save the potted plant. 

I worry that our peanuts have increased the squirrel population, but we do enjoy seeing them run around; it makes it easier to pretend we are in the forest.

I had a Bright Night last night. I lay in bed a couple of different times feeling my belly grumble, but both times I had the presence of mind to call an internal parts meeting. "You want to eat, I don't. Discuss" Sort of like not letting the kids drive the car, I led the meeting and laid out my defense in a clear, calm, and reasonable way. "If we want to take advantage of intermittent fasting and see if it will heal our pain, we shouldn't eat until 8am". Nothing from the prosecution. "If we don't at least try, we'll never know if this works." Again, no response. And finally, "I promise this feeling will go away if we just breathe slowly and give it a few minutes - maybe 20 at the most."

The meeting sort of dissipated rather than being adjourned, but as the parts disappeared so did the chatter and the impulse to get out of bed.  While I did watch tv before finally settling down to try and sleep, I stayed in bed without any fuss and did get some rest.

Today I may be a little less tired than I have been the past several months, even planning on a walk in the rain with C if he is up to it. So far he is not, and has put up his own defense for staying in his pajamas all day. I'm not one to argue too much on that point, especially with it being so wet and chilly outside.

I've been back and forth a dozen times trying to finish this up, between my little desk and the kitchen where I am attempting to present something he finds edible. C's most recent request is spaghetti, and I am just waiting for the noodles to cool off before placing the bowl in front of him. I can hear the scissors slicing away as he destroys our latest drawing while he waits, probably having already forgotten the food. 

I am looking forward to another Bright Night as I always do after I've had one. Please let this be the night I break my chain, and get some relief.