BLE: A Bright Night

"You are welcome here in Bright Line Eating, and I honour you using the bright lines in a way that serves you." SPT was ending a vlog on coffee when she said these words, adding "Each of us needs to notice what's true for us and be self-responsible."

The rebel in me loves that she has often said that there are no Bright Line Police. She shares a program that works, and it's up to us to pay attention and follow the program. If we deviate that is something we are responsible for, and I do deviate and I accept that responsibility. When I first started I didn't draw boundaries around quantities because I was afraid of fighting against restrictions. So for me a BLE day was one in which I didn't eat flour or sugar, and I only ate my three squares a day with no snacking. But also from the beginning I have weighed and measured all of my food except for fat. I use it sparingly to roast big pans of veggies, and I use a little extra salad dressing.  I knew this would mean a slower weight loss, and I was fine with that. But is this following the program in a way that serves me? Is not drawing the fourth bright line hurting my recovery from addiction, and keeping my brain from healing?

In light of yesterday's musings, I have to acknowledge that I have not come all the way in and sat all the way down. This is what the parts work is for, and why I am taking Bright Line Freedom. I  am learning to recognize when my rebel part is present, and my goal is to form a trusting relationship with that part so I can work on healing my inner demons - or wounded children as it's termed in IFS work. I need to work on my language! Inner demon is pretty judgmental and confrontational. I'll practice sticking to Rebel in future comments.  OMG, this reminds me! I have often in my life visualized the small angel and demon that would sit one on each of my shoulders and wreak havoc with my common sense when it came to matters of food. I now know the angel is a protector and the demon an indulger.

So my night was Bright last night. I lay in bed hearing Liz Gilbert saying from her Eat, Pray, Love audible book, 'just go back to bed, Liz'. And it helped I think. I also have a sticky note on my bedroom door that says that; just go back to bed. It also says, The Kitchen is Closed.  This is the crazy I want to leave behind. This is the madness that is part and parcel of food addiction. My own true self does not need to leave notes, she just goes about life being curious, compassionate, and clear. Living in those shoes more often is one of the benefits of healing a brain. And having had ice cream cake on my daughter's birthday led to a break that is hard to recover from and here it is six days later.

But I have one Bright day and night behind me, and I anticipate another one today. So far I have not eaten a sample of the cheesy bread I made for C in an attempt to get him to eat shredded cheese in a more productive manner. I did not pop in my mouth the chocolate covered pretzel piece that my granddaughter left on the kitchen counter. And I have prepped and weighed my dinner during C's naptime.

I didn't meditate this morning, but I did lay in bed breathing for a bit. Some would contend that was meditating, and that might be true, but it was just an accidental offshoot of a breathing exercise.

And I am just passing time until dinner, they call this white knuckling it. I can hardly wait for next week when my peace of mind should be back; it can't come too early.

BLF: Come all the way in and sit all the way down

 One month later and I hardly know where to begin. Maybe with this morning and then backtrack.

I awoke early about 5am, which is not unusual, and made the decision to NOT get up and play ACNH on the Switch. Instead I nestled in, got comfortable, and pulled an old mantra out of my pocket. "Om namah shivaya" I let my breathing deepen, and patterned it to my internal chanting, focusing on just my breath. Immediately my mind cleared to a starry field over a calm ocean; I lay there breathing and chanting, everything about my breath and the words. When thoughts arrived, I floated them away, away, away....until I couldn't. All of a sudden I was counting the years since Joey died, doing double the arithmetic in my OCD say to confirm my number was correct. 14 years, 15 come February. I let the pain wash through me and tried to quiet my mind and just feel. Years of intentionally dampening are hard to overcome, and I only lasted a few minutes before I had to jump up and start the day. But it was a good beginning, and tomorrow I will try again. I am going to meditate each morning from now on, because it's time.

It's time to start the self care practices that will help me achieve a Bright life, a Bright body, a Bright mind. 

It's been building all month, doing parts work in BLF,  meting with the wonderful women in my Master Mind group, and coming to grips with the fact that if I don't do the work, I'm not going to get better. I'm not going to heal in a meaningful way. And isn't that the goal? Yes. That's a definite Yes.

For so long I've kept bright lines during the day only to fall into shadow come the witching hour; this adds up to maintenance. I've kept off  the 25 pounds lost since starting Bright Line Eating. But when Everett (our BLF teacher) said the parts work may cause some of us stress, I feel he was speaking to me. Just the idea of 'having to do the work' was overwhelming and parts of me came forward to dismiss the whole notion, voicing all of the negative feedback in an attempt to overthrow my intentions to follow this program.

It was hard, the midnight snacks became fourth meals, and all of a sudden I was breaking my lines during the day too. A bite here, a snack there; maybe an extra serving of cheese and triscuits or a handful of french fries left over from Cal's lunch. I felt it happening, the loss of control, the old demons chattering away in my head, but I couldn't stop. Last night it all culminated in what I can only think of as a binge. First the cake pops out of the fridge, then the left over carrot cake cupcakes from the counter, and finally the chocolate donnettes from the cupboard. WTF!! I just sat on the edge of my bed and thought how horrible it was that I could let my body do that. Because certainly it wasn't something I could do on purpose was it? But it was on purpose, and sitting there feeling the heaviness of my belly I remembered the years of doing just that - to load up on processed carbs to sedate myself. But this time I just looked at just the parts that were involved, and didn't blame myself at all. Instead I tried to analyze what I had done in the light of the parts work I have been doing.

I think I've finally accepted that feelings are felt in the body, not the mind. All those years I thought I was putting myself to sleep so I wouldn't think (which is also true) but it was mostly the lead in my belly so that I wouldn't feel - that was probably the real goal. Now that I am doing parts work, I realize that I have a strong narrator (hence the blogging) that works to protect me, and that this is the part that justifies all of the behaviors that have kept me fat. The absolute worst of it were those times I actually believed that I just didn't care. I remember saying that, saying very defiantly, that it's okay because I really just don't care, always before a badly made decision, while a small part of me way deep down inside would raise a tentative hand and whisper, "oh, but you do, you know." But this time I was aware of that part, and I listened.

I think last night was sort of a breaking point; the coming together of an action I didn't feel like I had sanctioned, analyzed by what could only be my own true self, and the resulting meditation this morning as an immediate plan of action. 

I hear it all the time, 'you need to come all the way in, and sit down.' This morning I feel like I have at least entered the room and picked out my chair.

Bright Line Freedom - Master Mind Group

This past weekend I finally connected with a group to meet about the Bright Line Freedom class we are taking.  It's called a Master Mind group and we are to support each other on this journey. I now know from listening to testimonials that I am not unusual, or special, or different in my food struggles than millions of others. But knowing that, and then seeing parts of myself in these three different women was an experience I won't forget. It touched me deeply, and I am full of gratitude this week.

There are so many of us who have read the Bright Line Eating book and said, "yes! that's me!" over and over again as we devoured the pages and learned the beautiful science of our eating addiction. We aren't crazy or lazy or indifferent, we are just addicted. Something that can be fixed. Seeing the emotion, and hope, and frustration that I feel inside reflected back to me from them was inspiring in a way I haven't experienced before. I truly am not unique in my struggles with food and weight.

And now, it's about so much more. I hear all the time that the weight loss is just the beginning.  And I have tried to imagine a life free from the food struggles and who I might be when I am in my right sized body, but it's been really hard to do that. I am not going to stress about that now; everything in it's own time and all that. For now I am going to just work on the lessons and really get to know the parts that have been chattering away in my head my whole life. This is IFS work, and having never been to therapy for myself, it's the first time I am going to look at my life in a different way than I ever have before. I use to tell myself I have accepted my life for what it is, but now I know acceptance is not enough. I must learn what the consequences were of those horrible things, and accept what happened inside me as a result. Then maybe there can be peace.

After my group meeting on Saturday, I felt my depression lifting. Who knew I was depressed? I have mentioned many times how insidious depression is - creeping in on little cats feet so quiet and slow that I don't know it's there until a cloud lifts. My take away from the meeting is self care. I wasn't able to answer questions in the lesson last week about what I do to feel centered and calm etc. But sharing in the group reminded me I do have memories of feeling my authentic self, and activities that do make me feel more so that way. Some I can't pick back up yet, like archery and reading, but some I can - walking and gardening are simple and doable.

Sunday was normal, prepping meals and making sure we have supplies for the week. I have been switching out half my protein for a plant based option more often; who knew that breakfast sausage, pecans, and triscuits went so well together! I do now. And my jalapeno sausages mixed with lentils was wonderful over roasted veggies. That being said, my favorite breakfast right now is a potato, cheese, and egg dish that I fry up a couple of mornings a week. No, I am not deprived.

I will say that having made it through last night without eating in the middle of it, I was hungry today. The midnight snacks could probably be anything from 30-300 calories so of course it would make a difference. But I am happy to have had a bright night, and want another one!

My goals this week are two-fold. First, to strip back all the frills and just focus on my bright lines. No tracking, no getting on the scale, no marking off days. Just following the bright lines. One meal at a time, one day at a time. Second, self care. Walk, garden, spend more time outside, de-stress. KISS! And journaling. Because writing is a natural release for me. Maybe this time it will be more constructive. I quit because I felt I was just keeping a record of one failed attempt after another to lose weight. Nothing healing was happening in my brain, which was initially the whole point of this blog; to make sense of the world and find some healing.  Now, maybe I will. Now, maybe I will have other things to write about than just the weight.

One Day at a Time, I choose Me.

This was the sentence in today's interview that hit home. I have heard this before in other ways, but never in this specific line up of words before. One day at a time I choose me. I choose to stay on my path.

If the link works, here it is.  You can watch the recording of the interview with Marquese here.

206 yesterday morning, still a tortoise but steadily moving in the right direction for a total of 26.6 pounds since October. Really, almost nine months I've been doing this? Some lose this much weight in their 8 week bootcamp.  Days are Bright and nights not so much. Hearing so much about 'parts work' and why I have such a rebel inside, I have started to visualize the girl that I was and try to convince her to just let it go. Yes, it was horrible, but it's over and we shouldn't be punishing ourselves over it. Then I move on to the woman I was, and how horrible it was, and in calming loving words and actions try to comfort her and tell her to move on, that there is still life ahead and we need to stop hurting ourselves.

It's hard doing this, to remember details on purpose and feel the anger and pain and frustration that comes in tow. But I am hoping that I can convince them to join me in moving forward, because I am tired of being tethered to past suffering.

God, I feel like Sybil trying to connect the inner selves to become whole, to be integrated. And I know it's the rebel part that screams, "This is ridiculous, shut up and have a cookie already!"

I'm still loving spending days with the grand kids, even though I should be doing a better job. But that will come once I am really only working four hours each day at the 'real' job. I'm tired, and everyday convince myself all over again that I can do this. LOL, shades of 50 First Dates. Ha!

Life goes on, and I am still the girl who does the best she can each day. I don't give up.

Just Tired

I am tired. Way tired. But tomorrow is Sunday and I am done for the day. I even did some cooking when I got home from work; green beans with onions and mushroom soup. Yes, I sauteed the onions in bacon grease, and yes, I wolfed down a few slices of bacon while waiting for the beans to cook. I'm not proud of it, but oh well and all that.

My back is hurting, the old repetitive motion pinch in my sub scapular bursa, so that is worrisome. I'm almost hurting enough to warrant a shot of tequila, but I'll go for the ibuprofen and tylenol mix first. And some relaxing tea. I hate to think of spending tomorrow resting instead of puttering around the house, but it is what it is. If nothing else I'll cook a batch of 'spaghetti soup' for my next set of meals. For lunches I'm pulling the batch of black bean soup out of the freezer, and I'll do breakfast from scratch each morning - oatmeal cooked in 1/2C Oat milk, plus walnuts and blueberries or whatever frozen fruit needs to be eaten.

So food planned, and just waiting for the meds to kick in.

I did love being home with the grandkids this week, or the three days anyway. I just really need to moderate my activity; just because I'm home doesn't mean I get to do everything I want.

God, it's not even 7pm yet.

No more whining. Going to rest.

Oh, and 210.2 this morning, the lowest number in years despite my midnight snacking. I will get past this, I will, but more about that later. I am really missing the hot tub right now....

A bend in the road

As usual of a weekend, I am planning my Bright Line meals for the week ahead. I placed a grocery order for delivery tomorrow morning, and will cook and prep for all of my meals for the week. This week more than others it's especially important, because Tuesday is my last full time day at the accounting department I have been part of for the past eight years. Instead I will be staying at home caring for my grandchildren, then working part time at accounting four hours each night. It's a crazy schedule, working 8am - 9pm, but it's only for a month or two while they shift workloads at the office. Then I will cut back to something more manageable, because I doubt 13 hour work days will be sustainable for me, even if do I get to sit down for the last four of them.

My dinners next week will be a couple of vegetable recipes from the BLE cookbook, some meatballs using another BLE recipe, and some sun-dried chicken sausages. I'm going back to cheese and triscuits for breakfast to cut back on the cooking I need to do tomorrow, plus it's a favorite breakfast.  I have cut way back on cheese, and I may have noticed a slight decrease in pain, but nothing measurable. Maybe I'll try again this Summer. I've already cut out cream from my decaf coffee, and the plan is cheese only once a day for now.

My black bean soup last week was delicious, and I still have a container (4 servings) in the freezer I can pull out for lunches. Later this evening I'll do some salad prep; we need to use up some purple cabbage before the Imperfect Produce delivery next week. Slicing that up thinly may be a task better relegated to the food processor so I think a trip to the kitchen section of the garage will be in order. I'll add some to a base of Romaine, carrots, and green onions for my lunches all week.

Speaking of purple, I think we are making the purple potatoes we received last week into potato salad tomorrow. This means skipping my grain at breakfast and having it at lunch, but I'm cool with those kinds of adjustments. Because I am committing to eating bright line meals for the week, instead of specific foods for only the next day, there will be no chatter around the change. Sausages and potato salad on Memorial Day, a beautiful bright line plan. There will roasted veggies from my cooking tomorrow to round out the meal (lunch) then an everyday BLE dinner.

I rode my bike this morning, taking a turn down to the pond after R&M returned from their ride. OMG, it's only about a mile and I was aching to be home. Well, my thighs and buttocks were anyway. But I made it, and I will keep doing this until I can ride five miles at a time as I once did. It did feel good to have my face in the wind! And it was a chance to listen to more of my audio book, which I haven't done much of now that I am not commuting.

So lots of positive thoughts about this coming change, and a determination to do right by the grandkids and myself all at the same time.

BLE: Committing my food

The Instant Pot is full to the Max line with black beans I pre-cooked earlier this morning for 30 minutes, a large red onion, a med green bell pepper, a large zucchini, a can of roasted diced tomatoes, a small can of tomato paste, a bay leaf, and various salt free seasonings including garlic powder and cumin. Vegetable broth to cover, which brought us to full.

I'll be able to pack away a container in the freezer, and keep one in the fridge for lunches next week. Already prepped are meal containers of squash & onions with meatballs. Lots of bananas and apples are on the kitchen counter, and there are frozen blueberries in the freezer.

I have eggs, green chilies, and mushrooms ready to bake a tray and divide into breakfast servings; divided between the fridge and freezer. It feels good to plan ahead. Oh, and there is a large tub of celery and cauliflower cleaned, chopped, and ready for salads.

I have never been good at committing my food nightly for the next day. I did try at the beginning, but that quickly evolved into journaling here the next day about what I ate the day before. So I am trying something new - despite the huge block of data that shows committing to food the night before leans into automaticity and not depleting will power. I don't know why this is a point of rebellion for me. Maybe because of the years I spent keeping food logs and breaking everything down in to calories, and macro nutrients and then adding calcium and fiber and OMG enough already.

Which leads into thinking about Identity Shift and how I see myself. Because I don't think of myself as someone who diets anymore. Years of not writing down my food, and eating for nutrition, and not denying myself anything were stepping stones towards where I am now. And while Bright Line Eating has given me focus and clarity on how my body works, and probably saved my life to boot, I still rebel at committing my food nightly. Hence this new approach. Committing my food weekly. Making sure that going into the week I have everything prepped and ready so that while I may be using willpower to make a decision, it's quick and painless. It's either pre-weighed into meal containers, or as with my batch of soup, ready to scoop and weigh.

Is drifting off the BLE plan a good idea? Probably not. So why am I doing it?  Because this feels sustainable. I just can't see myself writing down food for the rest of my life. I also can't see weighing my food for the rest of my life. How stubborn am I? But I can see myself using the 'one plate' option, and keeping bright lines against sugar, flour, and snacking.

I've been fighting against myself, a salmon swimming upstream in the wilderness of my brain. Bright Lines intact during the day, then a midnight snack of bread and butter, or Oreos, or pepperoni slices. I am staying within two pounds of my initial 20 pound loss, but not gaining ground - or losing ground, whatever. Partially it's the cortisol in the time of Covid-19, but mostly I feel it's because I have never laid down the new pathways in my brain that are needed to obliterate the voice of the saboteur. And in the middle of the night, groggy and susceptible to evil thoughts, I succumb. Not even really succumbing, more like planning ahead to fail. Insanity and all that.

So maybe for me, accepting that something isn't working, and figuring out just what it is that I can identify with, is the right thing to do. I feel that this is right for me, and I commit now to eating only the beautiful food I am preparing today for the week ahead.

Last night there was no midnight snack. Yesterday there were no bright lines broken. Another day One. I have the 100 day chart in my paper journal to prove it, the yellow highlighter a glowing review of a successful Bright Line day. And I am ready for today to be another such.

I wish I had someone to share this with, to talk about it, but I haven't been able to connect with anyone in the boot camp, despite support being an integral part of the program and sustained success. I will continue listening to the weekly vlogs, and facebook live replays, and try to post in my facebook group. But it's the need for conversation I crave, not cheer-leading, so I continue alone.

My goodness but the soup smells delicious!