I had an email from a colleague this morning after a brief phone call, inquiring if anything was wrong. That I sounded tired. I didn't really feel more tired than usual, and let her know everything was fine. I mentioned Bright Line Eating and that I was on day four without flour or sugar. She is a blessing in my life, and didn't pry or judge; she just asked me to let her know how it went.
I dream of a month going by and fitting into my size 18s that are packed away in tubs and boxes; I would love for my follow up with her to be about that. To be about how amazing it feels to see progress. And it feels possible, it feels almost inevitable, and having had that thought I begin to worry that I may be a little delusional. I finished the book and decided to listen to it a 2nd time; to hear again the science and ground my expectations. And it all makes so much sense, the vicious circle of glucose, insulin,and Leptin resistance. We've heard it all before, but I've never heard it explained in a way that involved the brain and outlined how it's all interconnected. And our brains on a sugar high; food addiction as strong as or stronger than cocaine & heroin. No wonder we can't do this, the millions who struggle. Or was it billions.
I will never again shame or blame myself for being weak willed. Instead I believe I am working towards healing my brain and that I am not one bit delusional.
I finished my lentil/turkey soup for dinner this evening as planned, and it's time to browse the kitchen for my Thursday meals. I want to make bean soup this weekend, but for the next two nights I think maybe something to use up the green and yellow squash, onions & corn, peppers. I know, spaghetti squash soup. I have a bottle of sugar free marinara in the garage, and I can pick up some clean frozen meatballs at lunch tomorrow. I'll throw it all in the Instapot after work and be eating by 6pm. Lunch will be salad again, but blue cheese instead of cilantro dressing, and for breakfast...hmmm....I think I'll make some potatoes O'Brian tonight and have them with sausage. Yes, that sounds delicious. And there are still grapes, peaches, oranges and apples to choose from for each meal.
It's so easy to get busy at work and forget to drink enough water; we often remind each other in the office but today zoomed by so quickly. So I'm off to make herbal tea and cook potatoes; I'll go ahead and prepackage a few breakfasts when I'm done.
It does feel good to know I will start out tomorrow prepared.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Bright Line Eating, fasting included
Home from work, I was hungry and glad there was leftover soup in the fridge. Now sated I can relax and think about how to proceed. I need an actual food plan for the weighing and measuring guidelines, and have emailed CS on how to get those since I have the audio book. I wonder if I need to join something to get those. If nothing else they will be included in the 14 day trial I plan to do once C has settled from his latest treatment and I can spare some more energy on this.
So Day three and I realized that the reading I did about fasting has a place here at BLE. Eating three squares a day leaves about a 13 hour fast each night. Another piece of the puzzle solved? Will eliminating the flour and sugar also do away with my midnight prowling in the kitchen? She says it will, that it's part of the Free part of Thin, Happy & Free. I can imagine my brain calmed of all the chatter, I can feel my future ahead of me. So strange. But it doesn't feel like the euphoria that has accompanied me at different times as I found myself manic over a new eating plan, It's more like Susan has put her arm around my shoulders and said, 'I'm here now, it's going to be okay'.
Breakfast this morning was delicious and I have another serving ready in the fridge for tomorrow. It's a wild grains cereal mix, softened with Australian Greek yogurt and a couple of dates, then mixed with 4oz of blueberries hot from the microwave. I'll rinse and pack garbanzo beans to add to my salad at lunch tomorrow, and one more night of lentil soup. Then I think it will be time to change it up. I'll poke around online and see what I have in the kitchen so that I'm ready to plan the next set of meals tomorrow.
I am having a hard time with starting and ending my days; I wrote in my journal the first day and nothing since. I am reading from my meditation book, but not meditating yet. I think I'm waiting for the salt to dissipate so it's easier to get comfortable. And I think it will happen naturally that once I start waking up more clear headed it will be easier to spend some me time before rushing to get ready for work. Once upon a time rising before six and puttering in the garden was normal, but this past year I turn over to fall back asleep before rising at 7 and heading hell bent out the door to work.
Time to queue up another vlog by susan.
So Day three and I realized that the reading I did about fasting has a place here at BLE. Eating three squares a day leaves about a 13 hour fast each night. Another piece of the puzzle solved? Will eliminating the flour and sugar also do away with my midnight prowling in the kitchen? She says it will, that it's part of the Free part of Thin, Happy & Free. I can imagine my brain calmed of all the chatter, I can feel my future ahead of me. So strange. But it doesn't feel like the euphoria that has accompanied me at different times as I found myself manic over a new eating plan, It's more like Susan has put her arm around my shoulders and said, 'I'm here now, it's going to be okay'.
Breakfast this morning was delicious and I have another serving ready in the fridge for tomorrow. It's a wild grains cereal mix, softened with Australian Greek yogurt and a couple of dates, then mixed with 4oz of blueberries hot from the microwave. I'll rinse and pack garbanzo beans to add to my salad at lunch tomorrow, and one more night of lentil soup. Then I think it will be time to change it up. I'll poke around online and see what I have in the kitchen so that I'm ready to plan the next set of meals tomorrow.
I am having a hard time with starting and ending my days; I wrote in my journal the first day and nothing since. I am reading from my meditation book, but not meditating yet. I think I'm waiting for the salt to dissipate so it's easier to get comfortable. And I think it will happen naturally that once I start waking up more clear headed it will be easier to spend some me time before rushing to get ready for work. Once upon a time rising before six and puttering in the garden was normal, but this past year I turn over to fall back asleep before rising at 7 and heading hell bent out the door to work.
Time to queue up another vlog by susan.
Monday, October 7, 2019
Hungry! But it ain't a bad feeling
Mondays are always busy at work, and my decision to start Bright Line Eating yesterday was a bit of an inspired decision. I did some prep cooking yesterday but not having the food plan in front of me I neglected some important details. But it didn't matter. I persevered. Breakfast was hash browns smothered in sauteed veggies and about 2oz cheese. I picked up lunch fixings from Sprouts and threw together a delicious salad that included but was not limited to cilantro yogurt dressing, roasted unsalted pepitas and cauliflower. Dinner was left over lentil soup. The problem was proportions, and each meal was so filling I never got around to eating my fruit.
Tomorrow will be better; I have yogurt and grains soaking with dates for a couple of breakfasts, and I'll weigh my salad and stoup tomorrow so the servings aren't too large so the fruit will get eaten. Today I took a pear and a peach for a ride! The pantry and fridge are already stocked with many staples that I can use; while I haven't been trying very hard the last few years to eat for nutrition, I didn't let those habits go completely. So probably I won't have to hit the grocery store until Thursday.
So now it's been a few hours since dinner and I'm hungry. I have a night time tea brewing, and have no intention of snacking - the visualization of a bright line between myself and a bad decision is very effective. And it kind of fun to feel that little buzz in my stomach and have a longing to eat that is unrelated to indulgence.
Time to go write in my journal and plan tomorrows meals. Wait. I already did that here :) But I still have a gratitude entry to make, and tea to sip, and a show to watch. C has a treatment tomorrow at hospital so that is where my positive thoughts will be focused; my petty little food concerns really are as trivial as they seem.
Tomorrow will be better; I have yogurt and grains soaking with dates for a couple of breakfasts, and I'll weigh my salad and stoup tomorrow so the servings aren't too large so the fruit will get eaten. Today I took a pear and a peach for a ride! The pantry and fridge are already stocked with many staples that I can use; while I haven't been trying very hard the last few years to eat for nutrition, I didn't let those habits go completely. So probably I won't have to hit the grocery store until Thursday.
So now it's been a few hours since dinner and I'm hungry. I have a night time tea brewing, and have no intention of snacking - the visualization of a bright line between myself and a bad decision is very effective. And it kind of fun to feel that little buzz in my stomach and have a longing to eat that is unrelated to indulgence.
Time to go write in my journal and plan tomorrows meals. Wait. I already did that here :) But I still have a gratitude entry to make, and tea to sip, and a show to watch. C has a treatment tomorrow at hospital so that is where my positive thoughts will be focused; my petty little food concerns really are as trivial as they seem.
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Bright Line Eating
In the shower this morning, planning my day and thinking about shopping for food to support Bright Line Eating, the thoughts came fast and furious and I wanted to journal. I have purchased a paper journal for a daily evening gratitude entry, and thought that would be a good place, but immediately realized that my handwriting would never keep up with the words rushing from my little grey cells. So here I am, back on the blog I had forsaken as a futile exercise in self help.
Good for me, I haven't really given up, just taken a break. A break from managing my food, a break from disappointing myself, and a break from recording the whole shoddy mess. 'That being said' (I love to say that) I owe respect and gratitude to my past self for lessons learned, and for carefully putting my tools away so I could find and use them later.
I have not finished listening to Bright Line Eating yet, but I already have one foot on board. To oversimplify, there are many parts to the eating program that speak to how I ate for the three years I was eating for nutrition and lost 50 pounds. I've had a few conversations with people in my life about why I couldn't sustain eating that way, and perhaps Susan (Susan Peirce Thompson, Ph.D. who wrote BLE) has the answer. But I have been impressed enough to call this Day One and have erected three of the four bright lines that are proposed in her book. A bright line is a line you won't cross, and I drew mine this morning for sugar, flour, and snacking. Again, I am oversimplifying, Suffice it to say that I will not be eating sugar or flour, and I will not be snacking between meals.
For right now I will be pepping means for nutrition and following the guidelines for veggies, protein and fruit that I have found online for Bright Line eating. I haven't reached the food plan in the audio book yet, but I have been listening to a couple or three vlogs by Susan each day to supplement my listening. Breakfast was a side of sweet potato &onion hash and 6oz of fruit (blackberries & apple) microwaved until jammy and stirred into Greek yogurt and pecan pieces. A hearty breakfast. For lunch I sauteed peppers and onions until cooked then stirred in mushrooms and cooked until brown and the water had evaporated. For protein I microwaved with cheese and added some sausage. I had flavoured the veggies with fennel, italian seasoning and red pepper flakes so the resulting bowl had all the comfort of pizza but no sugar or flour. Not on program I would guess, but the proportions of veggie to protein should have been close.
Dinner was lentil stoup, made with a couple of smoked turkey wings, a little wild rice, and lots of onion, carrot, zucchini and spinach. I de-boned the wings and threw away the bone, skin and fat, adding the meat back to the veggies. So Delicious. I had forgotten how much I adore stoups. And there is enough for several more dinners, quick and easy, in the coming week.
As I continue learning about the program my menu will adjust accordingly, but I have no desire to dedicate myself to eating perfectly in order to get the optimal results. I am too old and know myself too well to go there. Instead I will eat more as if I were on maintenance for now. Just eliminating sugar, flour and snacks is already a huge change and I don't want to add any additional stress to my life.
Speaking of my life, let's catch up a bit. I began eating meat again a couple of years ago. Just BLT Mondays with the family at first and gradually other items became something I wasn't saying no to as my daughter and her family prepared their meals. Mostly it was just easier. And then came the holiday season of 2018, and with it RSV - a nasty cold virus - and complications for my little grandson C. He was in and out of hospital fighting to breathe, and finally in February was diagnosed with Leukemia. He has been in and out of hospital for treatments and urgent care on and off all year, including his 2nd birthday, and remains in treatment with a good chance of recovery. But the long term side effects of the treatment are something I know a nutritious diet may help mitigate and this is part of my incentive to think about my food, and weight, and ability to move so I can set a good example.
So here I go, putting on the oxygen mask.
I have a meditation book to read each morning, a stool to help me be comfortable while I meditate, and a journal to end each day with a gratitude entry. We have all learned that we need positive thoughts just to get through each day without losing our minds, and I have no room for any negativity. Part of Susan's philosophy is to remove the chatter from our brains, and I love how she has introduced brain science into the equation of how we eat, how we shouldn't eat, and why.
It's been a busy day, and I feel different just from deciding to do this. I have been listening to the book for a few days and woke up this morning and just decided. A quick trip to buy groceries and some time spent in the kitchen and I'm on my way. I'm really looking forward to eating better this week; I'm really looking forward to feeling better!
Peace Out.
Good for me, I haven't really given up, just taken a break. A break from managing my food, a break from disappointing myself, and a break from recording the whole shoddy mess. 'That being said' (I love to say that) I owe respect and gratitude to my past self for lessons learned, and for carefully putting my tools away so I could find and use them later.
I have not finished listening to Bright Line Eating yet, but I already have one foot on board. To oversimplify, there are many parts to the eating program that speak to how I ate for the three years I was eating for nutrition and lost 50 pounds. I've had a few conversations with people in my life about why I couldn't sustain eating that way, and perhaps Susan (Susan Peirce Thompson, Ph.D. who wrote BLE) has the answer. But I have been impressed enough to call this Day One and have erected three of the four bright lines that are proposed in her book. A bright line is a line you won't cross, and I drew mine this morning for sugar, flour, and snacking. Again, I am oversimplifying, Suffice it to say that I will not be eating sugar or flour, and I will not be snacking between meals.
For right now I will be pepping means for nutrition and following the guidelines for veggies, protein and fruit that I have found online for Bright Line eating. I haven't reached the food plan in the audio book yet, but I have been listening to a couple or three vlogs by Susan each day to supplement my listening. Breakfast was a side of sweet potato &onion hash and 6oz of fruit (blackberries & apple) microwaved until jammy and stirred into Greek yogurt and pecan pieces. A hearty breakfast. For lunch I sauteed peppers and onions until cooked then stirred in mushrooms and cooked until brown and the water had evaporated. For protein I microwaved with cheese and added some sausage. I had flavoured the veggies with fennel, italian seasoning and red pepper flakes so the resulting bowl had all the comfort of pizza but no sugar or flour. Not on program I would guess, but the proportions of veggie to protein should have been close.
Dinner was lentil stoup, made with a couple of smoked turkey wings, a little wild rice, and lots of onion, carrot, zucchini and spinach. I de-boned the wings and threw away the bone, skin and fat, adding the meat back to the veggies. So Delicious. I had forgotten how much I adore stoups. And there is enough for several more dinners, quick and easy, in the coming week.
As I continue learning about the program my menu will adjust accordingly, but I have no desire to dedicate myself to eating perfectly in order to get the optimal results. I am too old and know myself too well to go there. Instead I will eat more as if I were on maintenance for now. Just eliminating sugar, flour and snacks is already a huge change and I don't want to add any additional stress to my life.
Speaking of my life, let's catch up a bit. I began eating meat again a couple of years ago. Just BLT Mondays with the family at first and gradually other items became something I wasn't saying no to as my daughter and her family prepared their meals. Mostly it was just easier. And then came the holiday season of 2018, and with it RSV - a nasty cold virus - and complications for my little grandson C. He was in and out of hospital fighting to breathe, and finally in February was diagnosed with Leukemia. He has been in and out of hospital for treatments and urgent care on and off all year, including his 2nd birthday, and remains in treatment with a good chance of recovery. But the long term side effects of the treatment are something I know a nutritious diet may help mitigate and this is part of my incentive to think about my food, and weight, and ability to move so I can set a good example.
So here I go, putting on the oxygen mask.
I have a meditation book to read each morning, a stool to help me be comfortable while I meditate, and a journal to end each day with a gratitude entry. We have all learned that we need positive thoughts just to get through each day without losing our minds, and I have no room for any negativity. Part of Susan's philosophy is to remove the chatter from our brains, and I love how she has introduced brain science into the equation of how we eat, how we shouldn't eat, and why.
It's been a busy day, and I feel different just from deciding to do this. I have been listening to the book for a few days and woke up this morning and just decided. A quick trip to buy groceries and some time spent in the kitchen and I'm on my way. I'm really looking forward to eating better this week; I'm really looking forward to feeling better!
Peace Out.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Fasting 16 hours...or the best I can
There are volumes about the medical benefits of fasting, going back thousands of years if I believe what I read. A few weeks ago Spring sprung in force, bringing wet days mixed up with hot sunny ones, a boat load of pollen and my seasonal cough. NO! I remember thinking. NOT AGAIN. So weary of the hacking and flemm and mucous and all that entails, I couldn't bear to even think of it. So I jumped on Google and took a ride down allergy lane hoping for some new age miracle that had been posted since my last trip a few years ago.
Part of the problem is that for the last 15 years I've been taking my Orenda Immune so I had forgotten how bad it was before. I had run out, forgotten to reorder, and made the fateful decision to wait for my next auto ship a month away. A two edged sword that was. Yes it reinforced how essential the Immune is for everyday health, but also that it could mask an underlying continuing immune challenge.
Hence the Google Trip. And the very first item that popped up for treating allergies was fasting. My query had coincided with a new popular diet, although at the time I didn't realize that. I started by doing a two day water fast. It wasn't difficult; I drank lots of water and my determination had put in a rare appearance. And I stopped coughing. Just stopped. As I began to eat again the same two villains raised their heads way above the rest of the pack when it came to instigating congestion- dairy and bread. It would start in the back of my throat and by the time I laid down to sleep the coughing would start.
A list of my favorite foods has always included Mac n Cheese, Grilled Cheese, Buttered Toast, and on and on and on. I know it bothers me, but no matter how many times I eliminate those from my diet they always sneak their way back in to my menus. What to do. And that's where the new fasting regime can into the picture. "You should go talk to R, she's been fasting for weeks and feels great." Come to find out it's not just her, it's lots of others in the office getting good results. The idea is that you confine your eating to an eight hour period each day, followed by a 16 hour fast. This gives our body the time it needs to kick in the immunity work; getting rid of carcinogens, repairing damage, overall cell health and benefiting from their protective nature. There are many articles on why this is important, and how our immune system works so have fun searching them out to read.
For two weeks I've been aiming to incorporate this style of eating into my life. Some days it's hard. This morning for example. Week days have a schedule so it's easy to skip breakfast, and weeknights are okay because I know I need to start my 16 hours. But weekends...when the rest of the family is having potatoes and eggs it's a bit hard to refrain from adding your own breakfast plate to the foray. So maybe lunch was at 10:30 instead of noon today. But I know not to beat myself up, and that I can reset tonight. My eight hours will be 10:30 - 6:30 instead of 11-7 or 12-8. No biggie.
So after popping the last five tater tots left over from their breakfast (we were down to one hash brown patty) I went ahead and prepared my lunch. Earlier in the week I had cooked some white rice, and roasted some veggies; throwing those in a bowl to heat up was quick and easy. I can't go down the tracking for nutrition road again, but I do sometimes check in to make sure I'm not eating crazy. this is an easy site for figuring that out: Meal calculator
C is up, gotta run.
Part of the problem is that for the last 15 years I've been taking my Orenda Immune so I had forgotten how bad it was before. I had run out, forgotten to reorder, and made the fateful decision to wait for my next auto ship a month away. A two edged sword that was. Yes it reinforced how essential the Immune is for everyday health, but also that it could mask an underlying continuing immune challenge.
Hence the Google Trip. And the very first item that popped up for treating allergies was fasting. My query had coincided with a new popular diet, although at the time I didn't realize that. I started by doing a two day water fast. It wasn't difficult; I drank lots of water and my determination had put in a rare appearance. And I stopped coughing. Just stopped. As I began to eat again the same two villains raised their heads way above the rest of the pack when it came to instigating congestion- dairy and bread. It would start in the back of my throat and by the time I laid down to sleep the coughing would start.
A list of my favorite foods has always included Mac n Cheese, Grilled Cheese, Buttered Toast, and on and on and on. I know it bothers me, but no matter how many times I eliminate those from my diet they always sneak their way back in to my menus. What to do. And that's where the new fasting regime can into the picture. "You should go talk to R, she's been fasting for weeks and feels great." Come to find out it's not just her, it's lots of others in the office getting good results. The idea is that you confine your eating to an eight hour period each day, followed by a 16 hour fast. This gives our body the time it needs to kick in the immunity work; getting rid of carcinogens, repairing damage, overall cell health and benefiting from their protective nature. There are many articles on why this is important, and how our immune system works so have fun searching them out to read.
For two weeks I've been aiming to incorporate this style of eating into my life. Some days it's hard. This morning for example. Week days have a schedule so it's easy to skip breakfast, and weeknights are okay because I know I need to start my 16 hours. But weekends...when the rest of the family is having potatoes and eggs it's a bit hard to refrain from adding your own breakfast plate to the foray. So maybe lunch was at 10:30 instead of noon today. But I know not to beat myself up, and that I can reset tonight. My eight hours will be 10:30 - 6:30 instead of 11-7 or 12-8. No biggie.
So after popping the last five tater tots left over from their breakfast (we were down to one hash brown patty) I went ahead and prepared my lunch. Earlier in the week I had cooked some white rice, and roasted some veggies; throwing those in a bowl to heat up was quick and easy. I can't go down the tracking for nutrition road again, but I do sometimes check in to make sure I'm not eating crazy. this is an easy site for figuring that out: Meal calculator
C is up, gotta run.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Nutrients
Watching 'What the Health' on Netflix reminded me of some of the many reasons I began eating for Nutrition back in...2008? I don't remember exactly. What I do remember is that for the three years I concentrated on feeding my body well, I was feeling better, having more energy and slimming down without suffering. So what happened? Why am I fat and unhappy about it? Well, unhappy in some moments and could care less in others which is the crux of the problem and has been for a while. Remembering to care becomes exhausting when coupled with working full time. I long for the days when I could meal plan, prep in advance and enjoy chopped salads for lunch and nutrient rich soups and stoups for dinner without being overwhelmed by it all. And spending much of the day on the computer doesn't leave my back in any shape for food prep. I am still modifying my behavior from the repetitive motion injury that started back in 2004 when archery was still in the picture. Another source of grief, not being able to shoot.
So for the last few weeks I have been adding in more nutrition, cutting back on the easy fast food, and talking myself out of having a snack in the middle of the night - well, sometimes anyway. That's a hard one as I'm no longer using any night time sleep help and bread is my go to comfort food. Luckily there isn't usually much of that in the house.
I think watching puss drain from an infected pig carcass in the movie has cured my longing for a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's - hopefully permanently. And I am working more normal hours so I have more time and energy to think about what to eat.
Yesterday I had real coffee in the morning with cream and sugar - another treat on the way out - and wasn't hungry until brunch time. I spent the morning working in the back yard, mowing up fox tails and giving all of the trees a good soak in preparation for a sizzling weekend. It's a good think to work before eating because then I am hot and wanting something cool instead of being cold and craving something hot. Win Win. Brunch turned into a Shape smoothie, adding frozen spinach, my daily tablespoon of ground flax, red grapes, and a small banana. I used unsweetened almond milk, and it was green and delicious. Well, it's always green and delicious, but just a little more so yesterday.
Today I am making parfaits using frozen berries, Cashew yogurt with honey & vanilla, and scoops of flax & hemp hearts. These thicken up overnight and make a dense filling breakfast that I can feel good about. I am playing with the idea of mixing in a shape packet with the cashew yogurt to give each parfait a bit of a nutritional lift, We'll see.
Nothing playing at the movies this weekend, and I caught up all of the laundry yesterday so I am thinking about how to spend my time. There are several projects I could work on, but already my bed is calling for a quick morning nap. Maybe it was the hash browns and egg I had for breakfast....
So for the last few weeks I have been adding in more nutrition, cutting back on the easy fast food, and talking myself out of having a snack in the middle of the night - well, sometimes anyway. That's a hard one as I'm no longer using any night time sleep help and bread is my go to comfort food. Luckily there isn't usually much of that in the house.
I think watching puss drain from an infected pig carcass in the movie has cured my longing for a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's - hopefully permanently. And I am working more normal hours so I have more time and energy to think about what to eat.
Yesterday I had real coffee in the morning with cream and sugar - another treat on the way out - and wasn't hungry until brunch time. I spent the morning working in the back yard, mowing up fox tails and giving all of the trees a good soak in preparation for a sizzling weekend. It's a good think to work before eating because then I am hot and wanting something cool instead of being cold and craving something hot. Win Win. Brunch turned into a Shape smoothie, adding frozen spinach, my daily tablespoon of ground flax, red grapes, and a small banana. I used unsweetened almond milk, and it was green and delicious. Well, it's always green and delicious, but just a little more so yesterday.
Today I am making parfaits using frozen berries, Cashew yogurt with honey & vanilla, and scoops of flax & hemp hearts. These thicken up overnight and make a dense filling breakfast that I can feel good about. I am playing with the idea of mixing in a shape packet with the cashew yogurt to give each parfait a bit of a nutritional lift, We'll see.
Nothing playing at the movies this weekend, and I caught up all of the laundry yesterday so I am thinking about how to spend my time. There are several projects I could work on, but already my bed is calling for a quick morning nap. Maybe it was the hash browns and egg I had for breakfast....
Monday, August 21, 2017
Monday Morning, a while later
I sat down to write because today feels different. But after deleting a dozen first sentences maybe not so much has changed within me after all. I work. I do dishes and laundry. I play with my golden girl and her new most assuredly adorable little brother. Coming home and being with family has become my world.
I wanted to write about this past Friday, and my sister in law being laid to rest, but I find my emotions still too raw. Yesterday I dreamed of going to a therapist and declaring that I didn't know there was still so much anger in me. Maybe that was therapeutic enough, maybe another chink in my armour has fallen away or at least begun to chip. Oh yes, I love analogies and words and sentences that for a moment make me feel empowered. But I long for real change, for steps going forward.
I also love quotes that give me hope. The latest, "It is not our memories that define us, but what we do". I hate to think what the past years say about me. But one thing I can be sure of is that no matter how slow I travel this route, I have not quit. I have not sat down at the side of the road with my head in hands.
Off to work and another productive day; my lunch bag full of veggies, and good intentions tucked into every corner.
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