delete...

delete, delete, delete.....sigh

Sunday

Depending on how you hold the Sword of Guilt, it can either work for, or against you. To say that guilt has been a major player in my years of immobility would not exactly  be an understatement; how can one move towards anything knowing that action, any action, might cut into another's sphere of influence. Might have causal effect on something going horribly wrong on their journey. So what if that is what is suppose to happen in the larger scheme of things, who wants the responsibility?

Remembering what I had posted about working in the back yard, and knowing I had wasted away more hours than I care to tally up here on the computer instead, today guilt prodded me in the other direction and action took the day; I made it outside. First walking the little dog, then getting out the little tree-limber chainsaw and taking care of some long overdue chores out back. A dent, but an improvement.

Chopped salad for lunch I had made last night but not eaten; Potatoes and kale for breakfast; so far not a horrible day.

Overload Shutdown

Sometimes the euphoria of Friday and knowing you have two days to yourself disappears under the weight of Saturday's Honey Do List.  Thus I find myself still in lounging wear with hair unbrushed when the doorbell rings at 11am Saturday morning.  Funny how seeing your home through another's eyes can open your own; with a shudder I start picking up the week's detritus and start thinking about what clothing I have that will fit and not make me crazy. Maybe stretchy work out pants and a tank top, that sounds fairly safe, and I can work in the back yard before lunch just so I feel I have accomplished something this morning besides flexing my thumb on the tv remote. Depression sucks, waking up at 3am with mind awhirling sucks. Okay, I need my audio book, which means loading it on the computer first; Up and at'm Sunshine!

Fast Food: White Bean Soup

4C stir fry veggies pre chopped
olive or canola oil
veggie broth
ground cumin
ground chili
ground ginger
1 T White Mild Miso
Mrs. Dash 'table' seasoning
coconut milk, unsweetened
Trader Joe's yellow curry sauce
1 can white beans

Buy the veggies pre-chopped, this is for a quick dinner and you don't want to spend time or energy chopping. Knowing you can make this super fast can be the difference between coming home to make a quick nutritious dinner or driving through for garbage.  Ok.

Stir fry the veggies in about 1T of oil for a few minutes, maybe five, stirring over high heat
Add veggie broth to just cover the veggies, go change into comfy clothes while it heats up
Add a couple healthy shakes of each of the spices - a few red pepper flakes if you want it spicy
Add 2 glugs of yellow curry sauce and about 1/4C - 1/2C coconut milk
Add half the beans (rinsed)
Bring to a boil, cover and turn heat down to low
Simmer 15 minutes
Add black pepper to your bowl, and maybe a touch of sea salt or a little more Mrs. Dash - you know what you like.

Rich and delicious and full of nutrition. I suppose if I am going to do this I should enter it in my tracking sheet so I have some basics to post. But the reality is that if I stress over calories and macro nutrients it just makes me nuts.  The recipes I plan on posting are healthy enough to just eat until you are full.  Eat half of this right away because you are starving after work. Dish up the second half and let it sit while you wash your pan and ladle - LOVE easy one pan dishes. Put away the beans and veggies for another day, tidy up, and then see if you feel like eating more. If you do, fine, if not - perfect! Leftovers for lunch the next day. You could of course freeze it for another day (remember the label) or have it for dinner the next night. But really, it's so good you will want your seconds, and  your body probably needs the veggies.

Ego

We all have an innate need to share when something works for us personally. Whether it's religion, a money market or the latest diet we simply have to share with others and bring them on board, certain that this is an answer for them too. When we love someone it is double hard NOT to press our beliefs on them despite the fact that they have to figure things out for themselves 99% of the time. Or at least it seems that way to me. We don't wish to be told how to do something because we are all a bunch of 'know it alls'. Yet still we feel compelled to foist our our flags up another's pole. Somehow our egos are strong enough to ignore the reality that everyone else has an ego too that is also loathe to accept help,no matter how well intentioned. Hell of a survival trait, that misguided ego of ours. Or is it misguided. The thought surfaces that just perhaps survival is more about finding our own path rather than following the trail where someone else has had to bushwhack their way through to make the going easy for us? I have not studied how ego helped us get to where we are today, and certainly we had to share and cooperate in order to survive as a species. But I think of all the slaughter that has accompanied our evolution and can't help but wonder what part the ego played there and why so much violence has haunted our collective journey. How is all that human waste conducive to surviving as a species?   OMG....how I digress.

So back on track....what do you do when someone notices you are struggling and suggests you try a couple of things that have worked for them? I felt myself shutting down and becoming defensive, yet I can see that they can clearly see that I need help, and I can't help loving them for trying, and even being grateful that someone hasn't given up on me. But can I follow their advice? Or am I too stubborn? Is my ego too strong?

I am grateful for those who still love me; especially the unconditional love of my little dog. I may not listen to the sage advice they send my way, I may just stumble along on  my own for a bit more, but it is good to be loved.

Quiet

To feel calm and to be able to enjoy a breath of quiet is truly a moment of grace. No thoughts racing through my head, no irritability to be on the move. Just a small sense of peace. How wonderful to lay still, my body heavy and relaxed on the soft cotton sheets.   I know that really learning to meditate could bring this state to me on a daily basis; maybe it really is time to put some effort towards that goal.  It is one of the most frustratingly perverse human traits that we can think a thing to death and never take a step towards something we fancy.

It is a quiet grey morning outside, the light of the new day not quite having breached the walls of my mother's house. I woke from a dream where I was holding my small son, and comforting him while he cried. I knew he missed me, knew I was leaving again, and it made me so sad and so confused and guilty that I woke up. Now the calm is creeping away as my heart fills with the memory of that dream, and feels so heavy it will most certainly drop down through my body to thud on the floor.

I am so grateful for the moment of peace I had this morning. I will try to think good thoughts this morning and not let myself dwell.  I know I am worthy, why can I not behave accordingly.

Drinking & Driving

Drive your mother around on her errands, get home and have a drink. 'Nuff said.