Orenda CleanBurnShape: 26/30 or 67/100 or 1/1

There is a chocolate cake sitting under glass on the kitchen counter. Decorated with small bear sprinkles and sporting both a brightly coloured 3 and a 5 placed so as to proclaim to one and all that someone is 35 today, it may as well have Birthday written all over it. Just back from the pool and sipping my chocolate Shape for dinner I am currently not interested in the cake. I am more concerned about tonight, when everyone has gone to bed and the house is once again quiet, and it's just me and the cake.

I walked Kaylee to the pond and back this morning, did some light housekeeping, a little work in the backyard, and went swimming; I have moved today and it feels good. Mostly. Because I am sore from my massage yesterday, and at this point would just like to lay down and veg.  But I know moving is better than not, and there are still a couple of things to be done.

I find that I am surprised that the weekend is almost over, and that another Monday is peeking at me from around the corner; where did the days go. Tired and blathering I find I don't have much to say.

I wonder if I will be able to eat just one bite of M's Birthday cake....

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 25/30 or 66/100 or 1/1

I'm not sure what happened yesterday - moving on! Goodbye Friday, Hello Saturday.

This is the picture I just posted to the CBS group on facebook this morning. To get some perspective back into my eating habits I piled them all up in a bowl so there is no thinking involved. If it's in the bowl I will eat it. Easy.

Today I have a massage appointment at 11:30. I am so looking forward to it; it's been about two months since I took a break from my schedule of going every other week and I can feel the tightness building in my neck, back and shoulders. I'm going to leave early to see if the nearby Zumba studio is still operational, and if so what their hours are for classes. It is within a bikes ride from the house and I would love to go a couple of times a week after work to unwind and keep the body moving. It always comes back to the fact that I can't seem to look elsewhere than food for stress relief. I know what I could be doing, but can't seem to take steps down that path. But Zumba sounds fun, so I am hoping. It's much cooler today, but we will still make it down to the pool later this afternoon to swim. 

In the meantime it's a lovely cool morning, the birds are chirping away, and I've cleaned all the chlorine out of my hair. The dish and clothes washers are both rumbling away, and it's time to make some more headway on this room.  Who can achieve a most excellent mood while surrounded by stuff!

I want everything clean; mind, body & bedroom. Clear the clutter and everything else will follow! I'm so full of hope this morning, I wonder where it was yesterday - it just sort of dissipated once I reached work. I need to reclaim the part of me that can sluff off the negative energy of others, and just look into myself and draw on the calm and joy that I know live there always, no matter how small a spark it might seem some days.

Off to grab my first bottle of water, plug in the latest Nevada Barr book, and get busy!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30 or 65/100 or 1/1

Yesterday went almost exactly as planned; it would have been perfect had I not picked up the pint of salty caramel gelato when grocery shopping in the morning, then elected to stay home with the dogs while the rest of the family took off for the fireworks. AND they were stopping at Cold Stone on their way instead of having dessert at home; it was a perfect storm, and I dove into the gelato as though it were a lifesaver once it was just me and the dogs at home. The rest of the day was great; staying on plan, walking to where we swim, staying on my feet most of the day puttering around the house. And actually the gelato part was great too, I enjoyed every blissful bite and skipped the side serving of guilt!

I feel good this morning, if a little sad about having to drive to work in a bit, it feeling more like Sunday than Friday. But how wonderful it will be about 3 this afternoon when I realize there are two more days off to be had! And in the 80's instead of the 100's, whoo hoo!

For now I need to go wash this 'pool hair' and find something to wear and hit the road; the sooner I get there the sooner I can leave.  Burn, Shower, Drive. I can do this.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30 or 64/100 or 1/1

I woke a little groggy this morning having gone to bed later than usual, but once I had visited the loo and opened up the house to cool off I couldn't relax back into sleep mode despite my desire to do just that. Instead my mind drifted to the dream I had just had, which was very interesting - my new love interest had just been revealed to be a mutant (think man sized fire breathing lizard covered with beautiful tats) and my once-upon-a-time sister in law was there - and then once I had mulled all of that over in the luxury of an unhurried morning my thoughts drifted on to the day ahead. All of a sudden I had a picture of the CBS tracking chart I had first posted on the fridge and then neglected to actually use; it had written across the middle of it, "Here there be dragons". No, not really, what it said was an old saying of my grandmothers that has occasion to rear it's ugly head, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." How close to the mark she was!

That led me to thoughts from Gilbert's book Eat Pray Love and the idea that where we go when we leave our bodies is all the same place. The way we get there is the path we take, that we create through our choices. Here is a link, and another one I found of other quotes from the book while trying to find the one I wanted; wait, here it is - quote # 1 on this page!

Wow - rereading all of these brings such strong feelings into me and I can feel my spirit soar. This is the book that helped me the most through Joey's death. I think I read it twice and listened to it another few times, maybe even four. The author reads the audio book and all the inflections are perfect, the intent of the words crystal clear, and she is a great reader with a wonderful story. I strongly suggest listening to this book! lol.

What a great feeling to start the day. While the fourth of July went from a magical day each year as a child to one fraught with stress and drugs and rock and roll as an adult, other than the fireworks I haven't had much use for it since the year the kids and I were almost bashed into by the then drunk husband on his way home to meet us. I was driving the kids to the fireworks by myself because he hadn't made it home in time when he almost careened out of control in his car, just missing us and making the corner we were approaching from the other way. This particular holiday, the 4th of July, died a little death for me that day; I can't begin to  explain the fear, anger and ultimate disappointment that flooded me that evening. Browsing through all of the quotes in the links I found above reminds me this morning that I need to let go. I think today I will do a freedom ritual, I think today I will decide to let go of that particular past.

So what was I saying? Oh yes, what a great feeling to start the day. Positive, full of hope, feeling my inner lioness roar about love and growth and possibilities for heaven on earth in this beautiful world. I'm off to mix up my two batches of Clean and have a juicy ripe nectarine to break my fast on this last day of the current heat wave.

Wait - what was I thinking about before I was so wonderfully sidetracked - my CBS tracking chart.  My vision was of the chart and the block of writing in the middle of it that has recorded my less than stellar performance this past month, but it also showed me the last days (all 36 of them) with marks in every box. I believe I am going to make each and every one of them count as shown to me in this dream. This morning that feeling is so real it may as well have already happened. (Maybe it already has, wink wink.)

Happy Fourth of July!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 22/30 or 63/100 or 1/1

It has always seemed a paradox; how the days can fly past yet each one drag along at a snails pace. This day has lasted forever. Everything I touched at work became complicated, or a research project, or a fire to put out. It was hot hot hot on the walk to pick A up from daycare after work, and because of the heat we waited until late to go down to the pool. The water was perfect and it was almost 9:30 before we headed home. 

I walked into my bedroom to find A sitting on  my bed holding a framed picture of me holding Rhiannon and Joey in their Halloween costumes when her mother was her age now. She had the saddest little look on her face as she told me she missed her Uncle Joey. I was inspired to pull out the DVD I had made of all my old Super 8 films after he was gone so I wouldn't lose the footage; I had never played it for her and thought it would give her a better idea of who he was.

So the three of us girls gathered around the tv and we watched as Rhiannon grew from a toddler of one to a frolicsome four like A is now, and it was fun comparing the two of them and seeing so much of her mother in Alanna.  And A, bless her heart as my Grandmother used to say, says, "you were a lot younger then, Grama!" How strange to see myself young and fit, and remember how fat I felt at the time. Oh to be that size again! But I'm working on it. And Joey as a baby, then crawling and toddling around. A agreed he was very cute!

So many in the footage that are gone now besides Joey; Uncle Billy, Jim, Aunt Beth. All of a sudden it's 11pm and A is still not in bed! And the air has become stifling with the blend of air conditioning and melancholia. The rest of the disc will have to wait until tomorrow.

I think the late swimming gave us all a second wind; thank heavens tomorrow is a Holiday and we can all sleep in. Well, one can hope anyway. In the meantime I am just a little sad, and missing the sweet little children that R and J were, and how happy I was being their Mommy. Life goes on, and for now I have A, and that's a good thing, and I am grateful.

I am looking forward to getting some things done around the house tomorrow, doing some more swimming, and getting a walk in if I am up before the heat. It's a Clean day on the CBS plan, and I always look forward to those. Tomorrow will be a little different since I won't be at work, but I have plenty to keep myself busy and out of the fridge. Speaking of which I need to make an early pit stop at the store for veggies before the crazy holiday shoppers are out and about; I had better get my owahzoo to bed!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 or 62/100 or 1/1

The only thing missing yesterday was the exercise. By the time A reminded us we hadn't gone to the pool it was almost bedtime. She is a gaming gal and we had spent our time on Rummikub, or a version of it that a four and a half year old can play; we will make a point to head down to the pool after work today. Being in the middle of a heat wave should be enough incentive!

H joined the gym yesterday, and I googled for what was available in Livermore for evening exercise for my part of getting in shape (I want to try shooting the Pac Coast tournament in September.) I think Zumba sounds the most fun, and I will stop by the closest location after work tomorrow to see if they are still open. It would be good for the house dynamics for me to have somewhere to go a couple of evenings each week. My poor daughter, I am having a hard time reigning in my words of late, and A is hers to raise, not mine! "I promise to do a better job of biting my tongue."

It's too early to think about getting ready for work, or banging about the house making noise. I did put the air on when I awoke, and perhaps I should lay back down and try to catch a few more zzzzz's - otherwise it's going to be one long ass day.

Update:
So a long day it is. Tossing and turning in a semi stuffy room sent my mind streaming into the back yard and after a few minutes of that I was up, in my crocks and out back watering. And picking up dog messes. And turning down the hot tub to pool temperature. And hosing off the patio. And watering out front too! Showered and ready to hit the kitchen I've already put in over an hour's worth of steps and feel ready to start the day. It will be nice to come home having those chores already taken care of, smoothing our way to a clear conscious while pool bound. Go Me!

I think I'll go cut up some zucchini to snack on for the ride home. And pack an apple. And blend up another blueberry Shape shake for lunch.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30 or 61/100 or 2/40, 2/11 or 1/1

Yesterday was a good day. Breakfast, while off plan, was a reasonably portioned meal; Lunch was my Shape shake with kale, blueberries and unsweetened almond milk; Dinner a chopped salad with pepita dressing (and the last of the blue cheese, very little), avocado, tomatoe, broccoli slaw, kale, sprouted garbanzo beans & carrots. Dessert a handful of raw cashews. I drank all my daily water and took my burn capsules. I went swimming and watched in amazement as my four and a half year old granddaughter discovered she can swim (awesome) and spent as much time treading water as I could while in the pool. I did spend some time gaming on the computer in the afternoon - relaxing as A says - and had one bite of bbq chicken. The guilt outweighed how delicious it was and I won't be doing that again anytime soon.

And this morning I feel good exactly as a result of having had a good day yesterday.

     Feelings of pride and accomplishment = high spirits and a positive spiral
      Feelings of failure = the doldrums and a negative spiral

Let's see, what kind of a day should l have today?!? duh! or doh! I will have another good day and glory in how I feel tomorrow; that I ever choose otherwise makes me a little crazy. But this is in essence why the subject line now lists 1/1 as one of the markers of where I am on these 100 days of the CBS program. This is day one of one, and for today, just today, I will follow the program and get results. And tomorrow morning my spirit will once again soar. Good Deal!

I'm off to make a blueberry Shape shake to pack up for lunch, and the plan is to take a picture to capture the colour at noon so I can post to share how beautiful it is.

Rereading this before posting I am a tiny bit concerned that I have dipped into the manic side of the pool, but I don't feel manic, just positive and even a little tired. Time to take my morning burn and clean up for work.