Dose (2/30)

Yesterday I stuck to plan with the exception of a piece of buttered toast with honey. What can I say, it was the last lonely slice, and it sang my name so sweetly I had to succumb to it's siren call. Toast with a little butter (okay, more than a little) and a drizzle of honey is a wonderful dessert. But the rest of the day went according to plan. I drank all my water, stuck to my eating guide, and took a short walk at lunch. It was a frustrating day at work, colorful details herefrom deleted, but I kept my hand out of the candy dish and drank spicy tea from my thermos. I wasn't all that tempted, it was just a passing thought that I batted away.

Of note was the Cameo apple I ate on the way home from work - it was unexpectedly perfect for this time of year, I would guess it had to be the end of last year's crop. Sweet, crisp, juicy all at once with a hint of  earthly crab apple flavour. Well do I remember from my childhood taking the boat across the lake to the crab apple tree and munching on small green apples on the boat ride back. (They were perfect snacks or projectiles depending on the day.)

This morning I have just finished my 3 cups of water; it really is a wonderful way to break my fast, the cool water coursing through me in a very refreshing way. Sort of satisfying to feel my body respond in such an immediate and pleasant way.  Today's plan is much the same as yesterday. I have one more container of homemade veggie 'baked' beans to take for lunch, another apple to pack for the ride home, and enough chopped lettuce to throw together a quick salad for dinner.   I will have to do something this evening to prepare for tomorrow - maybe throw together a veggie soup. My granddaughter will be here for a bit and loves to help in the kitchen; I can find something for her to do to 'help', it will be fun.

Thinking back to yesterday, I think I forgot to mention that my plan includes 2 doses of healthy fat each day; 1T of ground flax meal in the morning smoothie and another small serving of nuts or seeds in the evening. Last night it was a small handful of sunflower seeds in my salad, I'm thinking pecans tonight. But the serving of flax meal in the morning is really one of the cornerstones of this plan. Without it I sink into depression so quickly, never noticing until about the third morning sans smoothie that I am having dark thoughts and feeling cranky. I expect by tomorrow after my third morning back on track that I will notice an improvement, and I don't care if it happens because of the omega 3's I'm feeding my brain and heart or because I make it happen by expecting it to happen, the fact that it will happen is enough for me.

My FITBIT is charged and clipped on, my plan in place for the day, and my mood already slightly elevated just because I am taking the time to care for myself. Later Gator.

Water Water Everywhere (1/30)

Yesterday I was up at 4:20am pulling on my  jeans and getting ready to drive my partner in to the emergency room; he had been having pains in his arm and needed to be checked out. Watching him go through all the testing at the hospital is my impetus for today's action. Just having lived through one of the most depressing periods of my life so far is probably the backbone of this decision; I am tired of being in pain and being depressed about it.

Having just watched most of the film 'Fat, Sick and nearly Dead' (damn internet) I had already been encouraged to go back to eating healthy. While I may not be able to stick to a juice fast for 60 days like he did, I am going to take encouragement from his swift return to health and implement a plan of my own, tailored to my needs, and beginning with a month of going back to the basics. I think starting my day with water first (see Water Cure) and then blending up a green smoothie  for breakfast will be my absolute morning ritual.  Something homemade and\or vegetarian for lunch at work and an apple to eat on the way home from work will take care of the afternoon. Then either a chopped salad or another green smoothie for dinner. This is the plan, one versatile enough to stick to, and strict enough to get fast results.

Drinking 3 cups of water each morning, 6 cups at work, and another 3 after work will bet me close to the 100oz that the water cure recommends for my weight. I know I have been running a little dehydrated lately anyway and need to get back into the habit of drinking more. I will count herbal tea towards my total; I often make a thermos of tea to drink at work, this morning I will measure how much I am actually taking so I can count it.

Green smoothies are easy, I've been drinking them for years and always feel better after just a couple of days. I attribute this to not just the greens but to the tablespoon of flax meal I add; I'm already looking forward to the emotional lift.

Cooking on weekends to have a batch of something health to take for lunches is easy and I will stick to that for the next month. No throwing up my hands and giving in to fast food temptation because I am frustrated at work. If the girls want to go out, there is always a healthy choice within walking distance. Saying no to grilled cheese will be easy, it's only recently I have been indulging more than is prudent and I think it's one of the main reasons I feel so crappy. Deadly Dairy!

Chopping on weekends will be a standard too; having a tub of chopped veggies to throw a salad together for dinner makes it a much easier choice. I do have to be careful with dressings and go back to making my own. There are so many wonderful flavours, I don't know why I stopped other than laziness. Well, the craving for fats plays some part here. I'm not sure why this is happening, a reaction to stress I think. I brought home a pound of butter last week (impulse buy) and it is already gone; toast and potatoes baby!

So there it is, a plan for the next four weeks, after which I hope to feel well enough to do a week of just green smoothies so I can really make a dent in how I feel.  What is driving this? Pain. Plain and simple. I am tired of being in pain every day and for my sanity's sake need to put a stop to it.

This morning's water is gone, and I am off to take charge of the rest of my day.

Status:  shoulder hurting, arm tingling.

"I get knocked down, I get back up again"

A lot can happen in three months, or as it has been so noted a million times in as many ways, your life can change on a dime. After the start of my new job came vertigo, a stomach virus, missing a week of work, and a deterioration of health that caught me by surprise. I have always been strong and healthy, and I suppose like most of us I have always taken it for granted. So I have bitten the bullet and signed on for health care at work. While I wait for July 1st when I can make an appointment to be checked out, I swing between eating healthy and taking very short walks and driving through for hot chocolate and sausage muffins to muffle the stress. To care or not to care, that is the question. Forget the whole being thing.  Feelings are often complicated, and mine are no exception. I am somewhat ashamed of my thought processes during these last few months, of the way I buckled to panic and even more so of the small cold survival kernel that is influencing decisions I make - It appears that I can be a little bit cold hearted to achieve what I perceive to be necessary.

At some point during my illness I fell, and I think it was at this point I injured myself. Something to do with my neck, arm and chest that keeps me in pain daily - hence the importance of finally going to get checked out by a doctor after 3 years without insurance.  I dread it all - the tediousness of the waiting room, the irritation of sitting in a paper jacket while I wait to find out who I have drawn in my choice of physician. I am already praying for someone smart, intuitive, and engaged. Not in the sense that they are to be married, but rather that they are actively interested in the process of bringing health to their patients.  I met such a doctor back in March, when I was so sick I made an appointment to get checked out; my vertigo wasn't going away and I had to get to work. And with that appointment my perspective on my health changed a bit. I am not ready to write about it, but suffice it to say I have been bouncing between scared and cautious and wary and not giving a fuck.

But I do have some things to keep me focused, again not ready to write about it, and I somehow convince myself everyday that I do care and that it does matter.

My positive note to end this sorry diatribe; my broken FitBit has been replaced, and today I start once again to make an effort to motivate myself. God forbid I should have to tell the new doctor anything but that I have been trying.

Steps

This past week went fairly well, culminating in over ten thousand steps taken on Saturday. Some of those were beaten out on the treadmill and some tapped out while walking along with A down to feed the ducks. That was a good day. Today, not so much. Puttering around the house cooking and cleaning I am only up to...2431...and I don't anticipate accumulating many more this evening. Because Saturday I also sprained my foot a bit trying to keep up with a three year old. I am a little worried about the coming week. I am not laying out my gym clothes for the morning; I need to rest my foot at least one more day.

Instead of focusing on steps this week I will focus more on food. I have salad already chopped, and some veggie soup already made along with some small artichokes, corn on the cob, and a potato. Quick dinners and healthy lunches are in my immediate future.

I just need to keep my emotions in check, and if today is any indicator it will be a challenge. Sigh.

New Routine

I should have expected the gym to be busy at 6am - but somehow I was surprised at the plethora of full parking spaces this morning. I awoke early today, maybe from the excitement of a new job, or just nerves, but I was up and farming before 5am. I had laid out my gym clothes the night before in anticipation of hitting the treadmill this morning and I was dressed and driving down the road by 6:01. Now I am sitting here ready for work (except for shoes which continues to be a challenge); I am full of green smoothie, clean and shiny, have a salad packed for lunch with a homemade dressing (no oil) and 48oz of water to drink and an apple for the ride home are packed in my lunch bag. There is a new book on my shuffle for the commute and a good attitude in my head about this fresh start - they are my buoys for whatever is to come in this pretty almost spring day.

I have been busy all morning picking up after myself - I want to feel good about coming home too - and I have done more in this morning than I would normally get done in a whole day.  I am hoping for enough energy and mild enough weather to do some blank baling in the garage this evening; Senior games are three weeks away and I am on a mission!

I am a little worried about how manic I am this morning, but riding the energy and taking care of myself to alleviate a crash. I can do this :)

What a week

The emotions of the week are painted on my face this morning; the horrible rash a testament to my inability to manage my stress. But I am taking the time to reconnoiter and listen to my body. I have been wearing my Fitbit and walking the last couple of days as well as making healthier choices. I left my car on the third floor parking and hiked my way up and down the stairs to the movies and back. And just a small bag of popcorn was my theater companion.

My sleep pattern worries me, still saying I am getting around 4 hours a night. I woke up around 3am full of anger and old thoughts that could only have been brought up by the words shared by H last night. And I wanted him to share? To talk to me? Probably a big mistake. The nightmare I woke up from stays with me still - the couple yelling and throwing things; the man sending something flying that broke her Russian nesting doll (yes I have one sitting out on a shelf) and the woman flinging a knife at the retreating man, only to shift her hand to the left at the last moment so it went hurtling into the white front door (just like ours) instead of into his back.  The scary part was that I had entered the dream, and it was me that moved her hand to the left. I felt all of her frustration and anger, and the dream was obviously a construct of all the little talks - or lack thereof - that we have tried to have over the past month.

My survival instinct is screaming at me for a clean break. But money is a factor, and I truly believe that our break up is coming at a horrible time. I don't know if I can remain a friend with all the tumult within me trying to break free. But if I don't let it out, my body is going to suffer. And it has to be me first this time, not anyone or anything else. Me.

And I am not someone by nature to fling hurtful sentences, but this morning I flung a hundred of them in my mind. Then I put on my new walking shoes and hit the treadmill. If I have to take a thousand extra walks this spring I will not hurt him anymore than I already have with words I am tempted to say. I am better than that. Lord knows it's a big enough job just trying to take care of myself, I cannot be burdened with the knowledge that I am inflicting pain elsewhere.

57

I should not be writing today because I am upset and that never bodes well.  But after years and months of not being able to communicate with each other, today H made it perfectly clear that he hates me and I need to vent these feelings somewhere. I told him to start looking for a place to move his things for when we do the Spring cleaning in the garage; we can not keep torturing each other this way. The details hurt but are not relevent to my current needs; as I read once in another's tale, I would hate to only relay one side of the problem. I know it takes two, to succeed or to fail, and I did my part.


Logically I can see that we are both to blame, but of course we will each have our own opinion on that score.  Earlier this week I sat down to type and wrote the following sentence.


                    " A rift formed between them that could not be bridged."


It felt like the beginning of a novel, but one I did not want to write, so I saved the file and put it away.  I am not sure yet how to spend my day. My last day at the old job was Wednesday, and the new one doesn't begin until Monday. And it's my Birthday. And while I can think of many things I might like to do I am frozen - as usual - so I sit and wait for the laundry to finish so my one pair of jeans that still fits will be clean and I can dress and run.