No sugar in my coffee this glum Saturday morning. Gimme Lean pattie on a Nature's Own hamburger bun (2g sugar) for breakfast while catching up on recorded programs, and now the first load of laundry is in and I have turned down an offer for something (sweet or savory) from a local bakery. I can do this. I want to do this. I want to get some weight off of my feet and hips, they are struggling under the behemoth that is currently me. I want to fit into my summer tops that are currently a size too small. I want to have energy for A when she wants to play or make something or take a bike ride. I want, I want, I want - why can't my message penetrate through to the dark side of my brain? Just thinking about the struggle is exhausting; I don't think I can do this much longer.
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Movies and popcorn this afternoon, and a small ramekin of ice cream for dessert. I finally realized that tomorrow is Mother's Day. I mean, I've known it for days, but hadn't let myself think of it in any other context than that I will help A make pecan pancakes for her mother. I didn't send anything to my Mom, didn't pick up a card for R, didn't let myself think about Joey. No wonder I've been a mess. Big Sigh. It's just another day, but I know already that I will see an improvement in my deportment come Monday. And I will enjoy the day with R tomorrow. I will not be bitter or sad all day, maybe just for a moment, and I will be thankful as always for the family I have, and the family I carry in my heart.
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