Another Monday (14/30)

Yesterday: Day of Rest

Breakfast: orange/mango/carrot juice from the store
Lunch: chopped salad
Snack: crackers with goat cheese and pepper jam
Dinner: green hash ( potato, corn, beans, peppers sauteed with huge amounts of baby power greens)
Dessert: flour tortilla with honey drizzled on it

I made Captain's Sauce yesterday, it's a tartar sauce with sweet red peppers and jalapenos added to it. I used Veganaise to make it; so expensive to use, but then I thought of all those factory chickens stacked up pumping out eggs and just don't want to buy into the industry. Anyway, I could have made the veganaise, but really wanted this recipe to come out right - the flavour was such a strong memory and I wanted to recreate it without mishap. I put some of it on my hash for dinner and it was ever so good. Today we will pick up fish to have with it, so I am already planning a splurge for dinner tonight. Food has become our table of truce -not that we ever sit at an actual table- and my chair is becoming VERY uncomfortable.

The problem right now is that I am using food to stifle my voice; there are things that I need to say and I just can't propel the words out through my clenched lips. Maybe I should write a letter, at this point that would be more kind than my continued silence. I may 'not care' about much in the big picture, but about this I apparently do or I wouldn't be making myself sick with stress. And as is usual my stress is painted all over my face, I look like a teenager this morning with a huge zit on my chin, and scabbed over cancer sores on my lip. I am literally making myself sick. I have known for a while that the combination of sun and peanuts are a serious invitation to cancer sores, yet last week I kept grabbing handfuls of peanuts for a late night snack and laid out in the sun for short periods 'to get in some D' a couple of times last week. Added to the existing foundation of stress and mixed up with a little caffeine and the recipe was complete - not just one but four of the little bastards erupted on my lower lip. I think the water is helping to clear them out quickly, along with my Immune and Serum, but it's still hard to wear this face to work today. Unfortunately I do not have a spare 'me' mask in the closet, and go I must with my wreckage on display for all to see.

Tomorrow I go to a Dr.'s appointment, and I am thinking I might be in a better place mentally to stay on track after that.  I really need a good standing up and brushing off; what a lovely mental image, standing in the middle of a deserted old west town, whacking myself with a large brimmed hat and plumes of dust retreating in great billowing clouds from my sorrow ridden clothes.

I'd better go stretch and cook and leave this maudlin place I am drawing myself into. No steps counted yesterday; I'll go clip on the Fitbit on my way to the kitchen.

teeter totter (13/30)

Yesterday: water probably, food and exercise not so much. If I had a graph of these 30 days I think it would be slow agonizing spiral downwards in terms of consistency. Which would be great if it were a weight loss graph instead of one charting a goal of upward rising accomplishments. Grabbing my steps off of the Fitbit site i see that I got in more than I thought. While I didn't reach my goal of 5000 steps I did have more than a usual working day. I did work about 7 1/2 hours and accomplished quite a bit; I will lay that at the door of my cup of decaff that was most assuredly NOT. Being the only one there on a Saturday it was quiet, no interruptions to break my concentration, and the time flew like it only can when under the influence of something.

Breakfast: sausage muffin and decaff coffee that wasn't decaff (I'm thinking)
Lunch: left over veggie wrap
Dinner: Kung Pao tofu, veggie chow mein, spring rolls, szechuan broccoli
Dessert: crackers and chili pepper jam

I'm so glad that it's Sunday, that I'm not going in to the office, and that I have some time to regroup and get ready for the next six days. That being said I am already planning a divergence, just a little side trip off my path. I am in possession of a recipe I have been wanting to make for a long time, a spicy tartar sauce, and at some point today I will make it, and go grab some fish from Louisa's  to have with it. Maybe. Depends on if the sauce needs to set up and have time for the flavours (red bell pepper and jalapeno) to meld.

I think officially today's goal is to not over extend my planning and be overwhelmed into immobility.
     Convert a recipe from 3 gallons to a pint, shop for same and prepare
     Clean out fridge, fill with plants purchased at shopping trip, cook a pot of something for lunches
     And Rest

Time to get busy :)

 3053 steps taken

"It's starting to feel a little better" (12/30)

The birds are up and about and singing in the new day. I don't always hear them in the morning, and I just love it.

Yesterday:  Water check, veggies check, walking check. Lunch was amazing. We walked down to Max's Diner and I had the roasted veggie wrap. It was good, full of spinach, mushrooms, red peppers and a little bit of feta thrown in. But it was the arugula salad that came with it that was amazing. It was full of corn and potatoes, onions and...I don't remember, but tossed in a raspberry vinaigrette and so delicious. I brought half the wrap back to the office and it will be my lunch today.

Yes, working another six day week, but we are almost to the end of the 'big push' and I just need to do it right now. No one is making me, except my own sweet self. Lou Holtz plays in there somewhere, "Do right, do your best, treat others like you want to be treated."  Something like that, but a golden rule that explains how I have tried to live my life. I think I have written about this before, and how I should refine it to read, "and treat myself how I treat others." Or maybe, "treat myself how I expect others to treat themselves."

Bottom line: I feel much better about myself this morning than I did yesterday, I woke up with more energy, and my attitude has been shifted up a notch.  Besides eating better, I am back on my O'Tropin spray morning and night and that may play a part too. I would just really appreciate my mood stepping out of the elevator up here on the 8th floor and resting for a bit before riding the rails up and down again. Mixed metaphor? Oh well, it says it.

Breakfast: green smoothie
Lunch: veggie wrap & salad
Snack: Oatmeal cookie from Starbucks with nuts and fruit (vendor gift)
Dinner: Veggie patty on bakery roll (last one thank god) with lots of onion & lettuce
Dessert: Nada

Gulped my water down this morning and my hands are swollen, so now we know why lunch was so awesome yesterday. I'll get in some extra water today to flush that out. Off to the races!

 5150 steps taken

I got nothing here (11/30)

Yesterday:  Water, check. Food and walking not so much. Why is it so hard for me to stick to this 30 day plan? I know that in times of stress it is better to eat well and move more - it's just easier to handle all things mental when your body is healthier. I know this from experience, and yet presented with the choice on a daily basis I still take the easy route for dinner instead of the healthy one. This is why having something prepped ahead of time is so important, and it can't be the same something I am eating everyday for lunch. I am desperately low on raw veggies this week and I am feeling the lethargy kick in.

Breakfast: green smoothie
Lunch: left over lentil soup & a small order of sweet potato fries
Snack: part of a granny smith apple - i just wasn't enjoying it
Dinner: veggie patty on a bakery roll, side of slaw in commercial dressing
Snack: blue tortilla chips dipped in store bought guacamole
Dessert: handful of peanuts

Of note: the only items I purchased in the last three listed meals were the red onion and 'natural' ketchup that I put on the burger.

I need to run (no, not literally) this morning if I am going to get everything done - and by everything I mean a healthy breakfast,  a healthy lunch, and a clean body. Just the basics can be time consuming - is this really worth having a life when it takes so much of said life just on maintenance? Either divinity really is in the details or I am definitely way out of balance here.

Off to the shower.
 2840 steps taken

Ugh. (10/30)

The only thing I did 'right' yesterday was drink all my water. The 4th of July was a favorite holiday all through my 'growing up' years. But the colour and tone of this particular day changed later in life when it became about...drinking. Not mine necessarily, but everyone else at that particular time of my life with few exceptions hailed this as the party day of the year. It was like the unofficial no holds barred this is our excuse to let go and explode along with the fireworks day. Maybe subconsciously the thinking was that hey, if everyone is looking up, no one will notice all the tomfoolery going on down here. In any case, in the 80's the flavour of this holiday changed from hot dogs to something more bitter and sinister for me. And with H yesterday the only celebrating we did was through food.

I did drink all my water, but skipped breakfast since the house was quiet and I didn't want the angry buzzing of the blender disrupting it. Then at work when I went to refill my bottle, there on the counter of the kitchen was a box of Mrs. Fields cookies. Not big ones, but small half dollar sized morsels, and over the course of the next five hours I had about six. When I reached home there was a bowl of green olive\cream cheese spread to dig into with a box of Ritz crackers. H had created a luscious, salty concoction that I didn't even try to resist, I just jumped in and helped demolish the bowl over the next couple of hours.

Then burgers for dinner - the first one I have had in years - and I was not impressed. I think for me it's all about the condiments when it comes to a burger. Now if I had cooked it out on the grill with the proper seasonings to the proper doneness I might have been singing a different tune, but H cooked mine for me at the kitchen stove and he so rarely contributes to anything cooked fresh in the kitchen I couldn't refuse and hurt his feelings. But it was not the flavourful, juicy patty that I had imagined earlier in the day. And while I was regretting my decision only a couple of bites in, I finished the whole thing. That's me in a nutshell lately, but I'm not going to spend any more time beating myself up about it.

For my contribution yesterday I had picked up a quart of Macaroon ice cream and we split that for dessert. Between the food and the beer I napped and when H woke me up to ask about fireworks I opted for the Macy's show on TV. I had wanted to ride our bikes down to where we might be able to see the display being put on just over the foothills, but that was not going to happen. So I lay like the lump on a log I have been all week and watched a mostly  monochromatic extravaganza that had been taped in New York earlier in the day. So I take full responsibility for this failed holiday, it's all my bad, and just like last year I promise myself that it won't happen again next year.
 2813 steps taken

Independence Day (9/30)

Yesterday: All my water, french fries for lunch, dumplings for dinner. I went with my office mate C for a walk at lunch and we ended up in a diner. I skipped my favorite grilled veggie sandwich with feta on sourdough and asked for a half portion of fries and some sliced tomatoes. The three other times we have been there for lunch I ate all the fries as well as a sandwich so I feel okay about what I ate. Not good, but not beating myself up too much - it's still very stressful at work.  Then lentil soup for dinner while H finished his pizza - I added some dumplings made using Bisquick Light and it was every so nice. But I am slipping fast back into bad habits and I need to shake off this stress I am letting pile up on my shoulders using exercise instead of flour and fat. At least it's only two out of the devilish trifecta of comfort food and sugar hasn't wormed it's way back in yet.

Awake early, and uncertain of what will be needed on this holiday, I think I will get out of here early so I can get back early. It will be quiet at the office and I should be able to get some serious work done. I think I will skip my green smoothie and stop at the grocery for a bottle of green super food for breakfast. I shouldn't, I should save my money, but it's too early and too quiet in this house to wake it up to my blender tunes.

 3424 steps taken

One down three to go (8/30)

Evenings can be difficult for many reasons, but I think mostly it's about being tired, being in pain, and frustrated by being tired and in pain. which is just another way of saying sick and tired of being sick and tired. But if I really were, wouldn't I do something about it? I couldn't even find the time yesterday to make a Dr. appt. So I am going to save this for later and take care of that now.  DONE. July 10th I have an appointment.

Yesterday: All good with the exception of one very small slice of H's pizza. Four small bites and really, it was enough.  Oh, and I didn't walk at lunch - there is just so much to do and I hate falling behind; two weekends of not working at the office has wreaked havoc on my inbox. I feel sort of guilty even sitting here doing this instead of getting ready to go to work. I have A after work again today so if I'm going to put in overtime it needs to be this morning.

Well, since I am not inspired to write at the moment because I am thinking about work I may as well get going. Sometimes the words pour out of me like sap from a tree - and others it's more like a volcano erupting. Today, much more sap than ash so I am out of here.

 2709 steps taken