♥ Writing helps me think ♥

FitBit

2012-02-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

My DD has ordered us each a Fit Bit - a nifty little tracker for everything health. I started logging my food again at their free site last night (www.fitbit.com) and found out I had managed to stay within my calorie range for the day. Knowing my approximate calories did keep me from eating last night after dinner, and that is a good thing. While I hate to go back to logging food I desperately need the help - so kudos out to my DD!

Reflection

2012-01-31T07:11:00.000-08:00

In some ways it's pathetic how I seem to have not made much, if any, headway since I first started this rant and rave. Mostly it doesn't seem as many years ago as it has actually been, but other times it feels like forever and that I should be coming out the other side of morose to greet mental health in all it's shining glory. If only.

But for today I feel hope, and in some small measure this is enough to kick start the morning. Clean and shiny, tummy rumbling to break my fast, and an hour before I'm out the front door. As MF would say, "It's all good!"

Short Walks

2012-01-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

Beginning in May when I started doing time 8/5 at a desk I also started taking short walks during my generous half hour lunch break. I'm sure I make quite the character striding along while eating out of my little plastic container, ear buds in and walking shoes on. Today I walked faster and went farther than my usual route, feeling the impending doom of spring and the lack of an appropriate wardrobe that will fit.

I figure I have two months to bust out some results in order to avoid greeting a spring that is more blue than green. I have high hopes for the coming warm season; stripping the garage, putting in a garden, painting the bedroom door. And for the energy level I need I figure I need to shed some excess baggage.

Each day I do a little better; eat a little less and move a little more. Eventually I will tip the balance and start on the downward side of this spiral that has taken me by storm. I just need to keep trying, and I will get there. I will. After all, I have done it before many times. Good Grief.

January in California

2012-01-29T14:45:00.000-08:00

Finally the weather feels like it should; sunny and bright and beautiful with a cool touch to the breeze. And for this to all happen on a Sunday is just ... Bliss. I pumped up the air in my bike tires and took it for a spin down to the pond. I also took my new video camera and shot a few minutes of winter wetlands, I'll upload it if I can figure out how to get it from the camera to the computer. Home to salad for lunch, walking the dog, and most recently pruning the roses in front of the house.

I had to get out and move, my neck and back are so tight from all the computer work I do Monday thru Friday my body is feeling about a hundred instead of only a little past half that much.

Yesterday I made a batch of veggie base and used part of it in last night's spaghetti and the the rest is simmering away with lentils for tonight's dinner. Between the two meals I will have healthy lunches all week too, so I feel I have accomplished much for a change. Now to finish the laundry and the dishes and I will be ready for another week of the J.O.B.

Veggie Base: Dice all veggies and do a slow saute in 2T canola or olive oil ( I did 50/50) stirring occasionally until veggies just begin to caramelize on the bottom. Add each veggie as you finish dicing in the chopping order below.
1C each onion & then celery
2 large stalks Bok Choy
1C carrots
4 oz spinach

With this you can make a variety of soups and sauces throughout the week, or use it to make a couple of big batches like I am doing this weekend. Depending on what you have planned, you can blend this or use it as is.

Big sigh, back to farming, laundry and dishes. It's just not enough but I have to start somewhere.

It's a new Day

2012-01-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

Yay, I feel like me this morning.
Ready for work, check.
Green smoothie in the car, check.
Vegan lunch packed, check.
Fruit for the drive home, check.
Walking shoes on in case the rain breaks, check.
Later.

Night Owls and Early Birds

2012-01-16T06:58:00.000-08:00

I have always been an early bird, enjoying the quiet freshness of a new day with all of it's possibilities. Not that I ever took much time to think about possibilities, just that I enjoyed the flavours they gave to the early morning hours. This meant I couldn't soar with the night owls though, and I knew I was missing something there; the music and parties I saw other's enjoying were beyond me. But we are what we are and while I never much hunted for worms I did enjoy sunrises, and quiet hours in which to putter. That is until we met Hal (Poodle's word for computers - I think I have mentioned this before) and all of a sudden the morning became about sliding in front of a screen and having those precious morning hours sucked away.

Lately I have lost even that, the joy of mindless surfing, browsing, chatting and farming has somehow dropped away and like all new toys the glamour has faded. I wake now and turn over to burrow back into a warm bed, seeking the oblivion of sleep. I feel like my body is no longer my own, filled with lead and such a burden to drag around it's much easier to just...not. I think I spent three hours last evening sitting watching first the Golden Globe awards and then my favorite Sunday night show. I was in bed by 9ish, and this morning at 6ish I lay in bed knowing it was too late to turn over, that I needed to get up for work. One would think 9 hours of sleep sufficient to the day, but apparently not.

I miss waking up and ready to greet the day. I miss my beautiful morning hours. I miss me.

After Joey died I found that the combination of having online farming at my fingertips and an audio book plugged in at my ears I could disappear for a bit. And if I wasn't farming I still had the book on while I did my chores. It kept me going, kept my brain from obsessing on the morbid so I could move my feet. But over the holidays I never made it to the Library and my Christmas decorations are still strewn about the house waiting to be packed away. Ugh. In my defense I have begun, but all the small hand movements really irritate my back and I can only do so much before I punk out - hence the 3 hours on the couch last night and the whining about it this morning.

Crazy to spend my morning hours whining instead of...well, instead of anything else really. My idea this morning wasn't to explain how deep and wide my pity pool is, but rather to write a little something about ...and I just hit a brick wall. Because I refuse to go on about good intentions and I can't dwell on how far I have once again fallen. I think I have already written the most important thing anyway - - - I miss me. I want me back.

Holidays

2012-01-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

I think I might have hidden this holiday season, my ghost self taking over and gliding through the familiar routines of Christmas and New Years. Lots of love and joy, presents and visits and decorations. But I never felt really present myself; distracted in a numbing sort of way. I don't know why, except that everything feels sort of wrong. Living an inauthentic life is very draining and I find myself exhausted all the time. Reading my last few entries I can see the negative spiral - if I can see it why can't I change it up? Too much chocolate at work, despite good intentions to the contrary, was not a great way to set the mood for the season. Thank heavens for these few days off from the office.

See, this is why I stopped writing - it's all crap anymore. I need to get over myself and back to healthy stuff.

And the first thing that comes to mind is the black eyed pea stoup I made for New Years Day Luck. Let's see if I can remember what I did.
Dice & slowly sautee until caramelized 1 small red onion (about half an hour)
While that was cooking diced up:
all the small celery stalks and leaves from the center of the bunch
one small sun choke
one half each red, yellow & green peppers

added those to soup pan with the onions along with a dash of liquid smoke, several shakes of salt free seasoning & a drizzle of molassess
Chopped up the leaves and small stems of 1 bunch of swiss chard
Once the peppers looked softened I added the chard, 15oz chopped canned tomatoes and 1 carton of Imagine Vegetable Stock and 2 cups of black eyed peas that had soaked overnight and brought it all to a boil. I think it simmered 2 hours before the beans were soft and added 1cup of warm water along the way.

Rich and delicious I never had a bowl because I had filled up on homemade cornbread and a taste of the beans my partner had cooked up for his New Year's Day Luck. Even his greens were lovely once I was brave enough to try them.

It's cold again this morning, and I'm up way too early. I don't know why 4am is my new waking hour, or why I think sleeping 10-6 is better than 8-4. Oh well, go with the flow and it is what it is and all that.

Today there is much to do; pack away Christmas decorations while watching the Rose Parade for about the 36th time in my life, clean up the mess we left in the kitchen yesterday, and reconfigure the computer set up in my home 'office' to free up some desk top space so that it is more conducive to actually working.

Just thinking about it I find my mind drifting to the idea of pancakes....

CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Okay, a SHORT stack of harvest grain pancakes.

11.24.11

2011-11-24T17:02:00.000-08:00

"If I set the table for us will you sit and eat dinner with me?"

"I guess"

Enuf said.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This is why we shouldn't depend on others for our happiness.

Good movie, good wine, good food, a good day and lots to be thankful for despite aforementioned evidence to the contrary.

A good Day

2011-11-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

Busy busy busy. Blending up some Ibarra hot chocolate to fill thermoses, blowing up balloons to decorate a party at the park, and romping with children on a beautiful Fall day; how wonderful it all was. Later buying groceries I indulged in a loaf of 9 grain sourdough and some sliced Munster for grilled cheese tomorrow, but for dinner today picked up portobello caps and a small container of real full fat sour cream. Yum.

COMFORT FOOD
1. Put brown rice on to steam FIRST since it takes an hour.
2. Start the pancetta browning in a little oil
3. Preheat oven to 400
4. Scrub and chop ten large carrots; toss well with a little oil, black pepper and salt free spices; set aside
5. Dice up the mushroom caps and add to the pan of pancetta. Dice up 1 medium onion and set aside.
6. Spread out the carrots on a baking tray and into the oven; timer set for 30 minutes
7. Stirring occasionally, wait for the shrooms to shrink and brown up nicely (10-15 minutes) then add the diced onion. Let mixture cook until onion is soft and moisture is gone. Deglaze with enough veggie broth to cover veggies, add 1T Worcestershire sauce & black pepper. Simmer until broth is reduced by half then turn on low.
8. When timer rings for carrots turn off oven, keeping carrots warm inside.
9. When timer rings for rice, stir in half the container of sour cream to veggie pan until well blended and heated through. If needed, season with Salt Free blend of choice. Remove carrots from oven.
10. Put half of the rice from steamer into a bowl and stir in 1T butter.
11. Serve Rice in two bowls, each topped with Stroganoff veggies, leaving room in each bowl for half the roasted carrots. Any left over rice and veggies and be saved to start another dish another day.

What a wonderful early dinner on what has become a dark and cold day. There is sour cream left over for tomorrow night's baked potatoes, and yes, my weekend is apparently revolving around food. Which is fine by me. We had pizza, hot chocolate and cupcakes (tiny, beautiful, light & delicious) for lunch, and I plan on toast and peanut butter for breakfast in the morning.

I got lots of hugs this morning from my granddaughter who will be three on Monday. Lots of running around and fun at the park, a few tears at the swings, some great presents, and wonderful seeing so many faces that I love to see. Today is a good day.

Harrumph!

2011-10-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

This morning I lay in bed thinking that at least there had been a good week before hitting this new low. And as I got up to start the day the serious thought came that there must be some sort of underlying mental illness that keeps me in this cycle; a sort of mini-bipolar. Sitting down to write it all out I scanned back a week and was actually a little bit surprised to find how positive I actually was a week or so ago. Surprised to remember my epiphany about changing my weight because it just didn't feel like 'me'. Where did that girl go? I want her back!

There have been times in my life that I have referred to myself as two people; Anne and Vail, Jekyll and Hyde, whatever. But in analyzing the thought when it came I could never actually divide my personality in half - each persona having good and and bad traits. So later on when struggling to understand why I was or wasn't doing something I would instead visualize the little angel and devil from childhood cartoons sitting on my shoulders and delegate the internal argument to them.

It must be normal to some degree, this internal examination, but as E. Gilbert said in her book, "Can I please have an unexamined lunch?" The desire to feel 'normal' - defined by a fat person as having the compulsion to eat stripped cleanly away leaving only the rational desires for fuel left - was a strong recurring lament in my younger years. I think somewhere along the journey I became embittered by it. Then later this dissolved into the pity pool, just another component of what was rapidly becoming a lake to drown in. I must have recognized this and labeling so many posts as 'pity party' did help me to visualize getting out of the 'water'. How I digress. What was I saying? Oh yes, mental illness, the two me's, the arguing, the desire for internal peace. I've been actively analyzing everything since....ok, I can't pinpoint exactly when because it goes back so far. Before high school, before junior high. My first strong memory might be in elementary school and watching the big kids wait for the bus taking them to jr. high and being intimidated because certainly I would never be able to learn enough to do that. Something along those lines. Crazy that; I was an early reader, the fastest runner in my class, and already beating myself up inside. And no, I was not a fat kid. I was healthy and athletic. The fat came later - and yes, probably a direct correlation between thinking and eating. The more I thought, the more the compulsion to stuff my face.

Which brings me full circle to the thought this morning that there is something intrinsically wrong inside, something not 'normal' that keeps me from staying level headed and focused and positive. Somebody PLEASE hand me a scalpel. Or maybe just a thread and needle. Because I am tired. I want the gene fixed, or the lesion removed. I want the internal dialogue to fricken CHANGE THE CHANNEL and leave me alone for a while. I want more than a good week, I want a good year, hell, I'll take a good month to start.

Thoughts are things? Okay fine, I'm putting Pollyanna in charge.

Sigh, proofing this for spelling I see the sadness and rage and how for all my struggles and book learning and experience nothing has really changed from that little girl standing at the fence. I'm still looking out on the world wondering how to be good enough. The good news is that a low this deep will instigate a new high in my roller coaster of moods - bring it on!

Treadmill Wars

2011-10-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

Let the battles begin. Half an hour kicked my butt. I don't want to post stats or keep a running balance of calories in and calories out. I don't really even want to mark this as another day one of starting to "exercise". Today I moved more, I am sore for doing it, and I am not in a particularly good mood about it despite the fact that I did follow through on an intention, and for a moment there it did feel good to break a sweat.

Roasting veggies and the pot roast they engulf send tantalizing aromas wafting through the house as I sit here clicking and clacking away. The background noise is courtesy of Nascar in the livingroom and it's a perfect Autumn day outside where I have been doing some cleanup Back inside little Kaylee is keeping close to hand, seemingly glad that I am home, and my lively and entertaining granddaughter is coming over for the evening. And yet, despite all the small comforting components of the day, I am....blah. Where does the joy go when it disappears anway? I'm not upset, just curious. Because I feel drained and void of the energy it takes to care and I would like to think that someone, somewhere, is making good use of it. Maybe I'm just tired. I know this mood will pass, and I suppose I am in no hurry for it to change. I would just like a little bit of a spark to get me through the evening until it's time to disappear between the sheets. It's at times like this I miss having a cuppa coffee - but I am not willing to toss and turn later to pay for a pick-me-up now.

Yawwwwwn. The first day of working out sucks. Tomorrow will be better, and next week good, and next month I will be ever so glad that I started today. Won't I? I'd better be...cuz just now it's hard to even sit up straight.

"As above, so below."

2011-10-13T18:57:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite 'Eat Pray Love' quotes, just thinking it gives me a sense of hope. That no matter the bad or good decisions I might have made this day, I will eventually end up in the same place. Of course directly on the heels of that thought comes the reminder that I choose whether the path getting there is heaven or hell. I'm thinking my path is like that in a garden. Smooth and sandy in some places, and a washed out brick basket weave in others. No matter, it's my path and it is what it is. This retrospective melancholia comes from the ice cream bars we had for dessert tonight. Would my life really be better in the long run had I not splurged on the extra calories this evening? Wasn't the fun and yummines of eating this decadent bar of vanilla, chocolate and caramel worth the calories; wasn't it all about 'living in the moment' that is suppose to mean so much?

Yes and Yes. So I will bite the bullet and see about adding my name on to the household gym membership. I don't know why I can't get out to walk or to ride my bike; I use to love going down to see the water and wildlife. But now I get home starving for dinner and my back so tired I don't want to do much of anything except eat. But if I am going to eat ice cream, I need to exercise. Thank heavens for microwave potatoes, cooking ahead on the weekends, and the raise at work that will let me join the gym. As much as it bothers me, as soon as I do join the gym I will officially feel like I have joined the rat race. Rats. Pun intended.

Office Chat

2011-10-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have recently let myself be annoyed by the chatter in the office. At least once a day there is a conversation that is not a conversation at all. Just two or more people taking turns retelling something we have already heard but that for some reason they need to re-vocalize. Is it their ego struggling to be heard? Are they so insecure that they feel the need, subconscious or not, to make sure we know how that they are wonderful, or put upon or just very special in this particular circumstance that drives them to the repetition of the tale?

So instead of wasting energy being irritated I will instead strive to understand their motivation. I know we all do this to some extent, a way to explore or relive the emotions of an experience that in some way bolsters us. Mostly it just bothers me when there is no conversation, just one person pushing their dialogue upon another without the give and take of words and ideas that can lead somewhere. Anywhere. A new idea, a different perspective. I know that as a young mother I would have irritated the me I am now - young mothers have a hard time with the ebb and flow of conversation as we instead are compelled to spout the virtues of our offspring. That is normal, and a shining example of ego and it's need to survive. But I digress and need to be off to work.

I will need to think about this later, and figure out a way to tune out the office chatter. Maybe I just need to be more accepting of where these others are in their life and not be a cranky old woman. Today I will be Pollyanna, glad that I have ears to hear and a job where I happen to overhear more than I would like.

All about the greens

2011-10-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

Or lack thereof. For two days I have been stressed at work, rushed and irritated about one thing or another at some point in the day. Don't get me wrong, there have been some bright spots in there too, but not at the crucial decision making crossroads of hunger, time and food. I think it began Wednesday when the line at the bank atm was so long I opted instead to pick up dinner from Panda Express. No, that morning when I was running late and drove through for breakfast. Here are the past couple of days of food:

Wednesday
Hash Brown sticks & Decaf coffee: Jacks
Homemade leftover veggie pasta mix
Rice, Thai Chicken, steamed veggies: Panda Express

Thursday
Hash Brown sticks & Decaf coffee: Jacks
Homemade leftover veggie pasta mix
snack: small piece of cake at work
Potato and homemade bean stoup

Someone who doesn't know how I feel about what eating right is might look at this and see lots of good choices, a few splurges, and what's the big deal. The big deal is that there is so much processed food products and not much food. The ratio of green plants to starch is sitting way too heavy on the starchy side of the teeter totter. There are NO raw veggies, my daily salad is missing. And while there are veggies in the pasta, I wouldn't normally have pasta twice in the same month, let alone the same week.

The point is that the accumulation of low nutrient choices has resulted in a bad mood this morning. I look over the last couple of days and see No omega 3's in my morning smoothie, no big green salad for digestion, and too much processed food gunking up the system. Ugh. So I'm off to the kitchen to start the day better with a nutritious breakfast, packing the last of the lentil soup for lunch because once again I am running late (no, I did not farm this morning) and planning on either soup or salad for dinner depending on the condition of my back and the weather when I get home from work. I have a hard time making a salad when I am cold. Adding an Apple in the car for the drive home, and a thermos of herbal tea to sip on at work, this should be a good day and because of it I'll feel better tomorrow morning than I do on this one.

Damn it's a lot of work to keep my mood stable and my body happy. But it's worth it. TGIF!!!! Crap, it's already a quarter to eight, gotta run!

No to Cake

2011-10-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

We had cake at the office on Monday. I had a small piece. I had another small piece yesterday. Today I said No to the cake when it beseeched me to please cut off just one more little piece so it wouldn't go to waste. I'm more important than the cake, or the feelings of the person who brought it.

Lunch & Dinner

2011-10-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy I spent some time cooking this weekend. Lunch today is a casserole of veggies, mozzarella cheeze (a z not an s in cheeze) and spinach\tomato noodles. I did throw a handful of real cheese in, a Parmesan\ Romano blend, but not much, and I'm sure the benefits of all the spinach I added outweight any damage from that quarter.

I still feel good, and full of calm from my recent insight, and I'm happy it's lunchtime!

Dinner!
First, getting in the car after work and seeing the apple I had brought to eat on the way home I couldn't help but exclaim, "Oh the cleverness of me!" Sigh, how good to feel like me for a change. I got home and the kitchen was being used, but I was able to wait it out and when it was my turn made the Mac n Cheeze recipe that I had posted on the fridge this weekend from fatfreevegan.com. While it would not be my choice for "Macaroni and Cheese", it is definitely a keeper as a companion to veggies on a regular basis. I have lots left over to freeze for at least six more dinners and it will be easy to steam up some veggies, defrost the noodles, and throw them together for great future dinners.

Here is my dinner serving of Mac N Cheeze nestled atop my Brussels sprouts that I sliced and steamed in veggie broth. I was tempted to go back for more, but once I took the time to upload the picture everything had settled and I was no longer hungry. I love the ideas and recipes I find over there, and Susan does a great job of motivating me.

Another good day. I did think about stopping for french fries on the way home, but I immediately thought about who was in charge and what I wanted my life to be like and I drove on past without a single qualm.

I hate being my own cheerleader, but....Go Me!

An inauthentic life

2011-10-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

Preambles:
I was 19 and driving with my Mother down the winding highway from Lake Arrowhead to Los Angeles when I saw the thick dark expanse of smog that lay between us, here in the clear mountain air, and our destination, the city. And the gut feeling that this was wrong struck a chord in me that presaged a crossroads in my life that would change everything. Later that Summer I hitched a ride to Northern California with a ... well, a friend with benefits. (It was the 70's, what can I say.) Working in San Francisco I met someone who took me in a totally new and different direction than I would ever have imagined.

I was almost 21 when I looked around and thought, what the fuck am I doing here? I was living at a Ranch with a man eleven years my senior, and while there is a whole other story here to be told, the bottom line was that I had reached a place in my life that felt inauthentic and I wanted out. I packed up and moved in with friends who in turn introduced me to the man I would eventually marry and have children with.

At 24 this same man and I were messing about with drugs, and one day I saw a picture of us and again the thought came, what the fuck am I doing? This is Not me. I am a strong, healthy, athletic, wholesome creature - how on earth did I get here? I knew that once again I had wandered into another place that felt inauthentic; I had no business wreaking havoc on my mind and body this way. This time I didn't pack up and leave because there was Love involved, but I did change my behavior and got clean. Soon after I was busy raising children and that was wonderful. Those were in fact about the happiest years of my life. But they were also some of the hardest because I was watching my husband slowly kill himself with drugs, and eventually I once again looked around and thought, this isn't where I'm suppose to be, this isn't what I want, this isn't me; this time he was the one to pack up and leave.

Which finally brings me to the thought I had last night. Once again I am at a place in my life where I am thinking this isn't me. It's actually something I said out loud to my current partner years ago when my weight had finally topped two hundred pounds. This isn't me, I don't know whose body this is, but it isn't mine. Mine is strong and athletic and healthy. Basically we were having an argument about me not being able to love myself as I was; he loved my curves, what on earth was wrong with me. So here it is years after that discussion and finally the clouds have lifted and I find myself in the middle of an "Aha" moment; looking back at my life and the times I have changed it because it felt inauthentic to who I was. How is this - being overweight- any different than those times? I can still feel at my core that same strong, healthy, athletic girl who prompted me to make changes in my life when it felt wrong. And boy does this feel wrong.

As I look back over the past 5 years I know that I have been changing in slow increments; learning about nutrition, trying to learn about how my brain works, and figuring out how my heart fits into the whole equation of spirituality and how important it is to quiet the mind and open the heart. In a way I have been packing and unpacking like crazy trying to make things better.

So this morning at fifty six I look at my body and say, this isn't me, this doesn't feel right, I can't do this anymore. Once again it is time to change an inauthentic life.

Loving the Muchness

2011-10-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday and I had to work, which is fine, the overtime pay will be nice. I was so intent on being prepared to spend six hours out and about I ran out of time and missed breakfast. I had loaded up six hours of book on my ipod, packed water and a green smoothie for lunch, printed and organized the paperwork I needed for the job, and double checked to make sure I had phone, sun glasses and jacket. I was headed towards the Bay and it's usually twenty or so degrees cooler out there across from San Francisco. I did not drive through and get breakfast. I arrived at my appointment on time, got the ball rolling, and then headed out to find breakfast. I found it at a cart selling crepes. My customized order was for spinach, tomatoes, avocado and feta cheese. YUM. I had also packed some herbal tea and sat on a beautiful teak bench looking out over SF bay at break time and enjoyed sipping away on my tea, listening to my book and enjoying the beautiful weather. I did not walk around the corner to get a marzipan chocolate from the See's Candy Shoppe.

Before heading home I stopped in at a local bakery that had been recommended and picked up treats, one each, and drove home with them in the way back of the car so as to not be tempted. I did not drive through on the way home for an ice cream cone from McD's to reward my good choices thus far. At Trader Joes I did stop and picked up tomatoes, veggie pasta, soy mozzarella cheese and a blend of real romano\parmesian cheeses; I did not buy bread and butter, I did not buy a snack for the drive home.

As I type the Romas are basking in the oven after a little shower of oil, sea salt and pepper. The noodles are cooking in a bath of veggie broth, spinach and onion. Once the noodles and tomatoes are both ready I will smash the tomatoes and mix them with the noodle mixture & the cheeses, and throw it all back into the oven to bake. I opened a bottle of luscious red wine and just now had another nice mouthful to savor. I so love a glass of wine while cooking, I am truly happy while doing these two things together.

I am having a good day. I am loving the choices I've made over the course of the day, the anticipation of good food for dinner, and the feeling of my muchness back in residence. How wonderful for me.

Hot Fudge Sundaes

2011-09-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

"We don't want to EAT hot fudge sundaes as much as we want our lives to BE hot fudge sundaes." Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. This is about the truest idea I have heard so far. I want my life to be as rich and enticing and joyful and yummy as a hot fudge sundae.

I feel changed. It started yesterday, with a sort of calm. I have felt this before, and love being here. This magical place betwixt and between manic and depressive; my own personal fairy land. I hope I get to stay here awhile. I think I will, it feels different; I feel different. I feel like all of the ideas I've been collecting over the past five years are finding roots and beginning to grow. Maybe I just needed the time. Maybe I'm letting myself hope for too much too soon, but it's better than moping!

Good Morning Friday, it's nice to see ya!

A bit better

2011-09-29T18:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe the book (Women Food & God by Geneen Roth) has some interesting ideas. I was laughing while I listened and learned about the acronym AFGO - Another Fucking Growth Opportunity. That was me yesterday, and it feels good to laugh about it today. But really, that could be the defining phrase for this past decade or two or three as we have struggled into consciousness and trying to figure out this whole obsessive eating disorder problem so many of us have. I can see it referenced in a history reference of the era, "The AFGO movement of the 20th and 21st centuries led women out of the dark ages of compulsive eating that had resulted as a by product of the previous Industrial Age."

Garlicy salad for dinner and my mouth is singing. I took about 1/4C slivered almonds and ground them up, chopped up half a large section of garlic and tossed it in the blender with the ground nuts, a few shakes of red wine vinegar and a splash of cold water. It was a little too tart once it was all blended up so I added 3 of the little parmigiana cheese packets they deliver with pizza. Perfect. My salad was a quick one of baby spring greens straight from the plastic container, half a huge yellow pepper diced and a few slices off a red onion also diced. about 1/4C garbanzos for the little punch of protein and that was it. Beans have been a lifesaver for me. They stabilize my blood sugar and help me feel full. Tomorrow I'll use the left over rice I have in the fridge and that will add the missing amino acids. Anyway, back to the dressing - using nuts instead of oil is a great way to pump up the nutrients in salad dressing as well as adding another layer of deliciousness.

Ok, time for some R&R after work.

Hump Day

2011-09-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

Tired tonight; brushed the damn cat and now my eyes are all dry and itchy. Had oatmeal with blueberries and flaxmeal for breakfast, fast food for lunch (vegetarian) and another brussely soup for dinner and ice cream for dessert.

I started listening to Women Food & God. I can tell it's one of those books I will have to listen to again there are so many stinging little witticisms in it. Another book about 'the answer' and not having to diet and learning about yourself. So discouraging.

Ok, a visual slap from Cher and a strong "Snap out of it". Positive thoughts...Four days in a row of eating lots of veggies, another three days of gainful employment, a snug bed waiting for me and a cute dog to cuddle up with. Life is good, and I'm just going to ignore the bad parts and hit the sack.

Scrumdiddelyumpteous

2011-09-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

I love soup. I love making soup. I love making something wonderful by accident and such was this evening's soup. Started out normal enough, throwing some diced red onion into the pot over about 2 tsp. of oil. While those got started I cleaned and sliced up some Brussels Sprouts and threw them in. I chopped and added some artichoke hearts from my salad stash (in water, not oil) along with the water they were in. While putting those away my eye lit on a box of Carrot Ginger Soup from Trader Joe's that was left over and a baggie of wild\brown rice I had cooked last week and I threw those in too. I had picked up 4 bags of spinach on sale, so grabbed a huge handful of the beautiful green leaves and chopped that up to toss in the pot. About all the room was used up at this point so I tossed in a little garlic powder and some salt free seasoning, stirred it all together, covered it and turning the heat down to med-low set the timer for 20 minutes and left to do some virtual farming. OMG, it was so delicious I ate it all. But I'm not stuffed because it was mostly veggies. Think I'll go do a quick calorie check.

From left to right the columns are Serving Size, Calories, Protein, Fat, Carbs, Fiber, Sodium & Calcium

Wow, so I thought the protein I had listed for Brussels Sprouts must be wrong so I googled it and confirmed they are high in protein. And I happened to eat them with whole grain rice, another accidentally good choice. I think some things that complement each other nutritionally also complement each other in other ways (think Falafel and Tahini sauce) so we are drawn to eat them together. I'm not happy about the sodium that was in the prepared soup, but I know the rest of the day was low so maybe that's okay this time. The meal balanced out at 18% Protein 21% Fat & 61 %Carbs . So a little high in protein, but I'm happy about the fat and getting in my extra greens (Calcium is the 331 number up there.) One of the reasons I love eating mostly plants is that I can eat a big yummy meal without wasting calories and still filling up nice and full. I still need that, I'm still a foody. Which brings me to desert. I had to run to the Library and on the way home drove right in to 7-1 and picked us each up a Toll House Ice Cream Sandwich. Damage = 380 calories. But I know that my green smoothie this morning was about 250 and my salad at lunch not much more than that. I think I am still right around 1500 for the day, so that's good.

I knew that at least food-wise it was going to be a good day :)

Free Fall

2011-09-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes after a bout of grief I wake up strong and determined to get on with things; full of gratitude for all of the small things in my life that are good and ready to build on them. Other times I wake up disoriented, ungrounded, and grasping at straws to numb myself and disappear. This time I dove into a box of fries with a book and didn't come out for two days. I use to justify this type of unhealthy behaviour by saying at least I wasn't grabbing for some valium or a freight train to the Yukon. Now I am just dismissing it and moving forward. Green smoothie ready, salad packed for lunch, recipe printed to stop for groceries on the way home from work. A little morning planning goes a long way with me towards making good decisions later. I am already counting this a good day and I haven't even left for work yet. I actually started yesterday after driving through for breakfast; sometimes you just can't wait for the next day to get back on track. I will never be a 'Monday Dieter' again. Instead I am a 'do the best I can everyday' sort of eater, and my seat on the proverbial wagon will never stay cold for too long once I have fallen off.

Happy Tuesday World.

A birth story

2011-09-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

The sound of his boots came echoing down the street, the thud of their impact on the wet sidewalk becoming ever louder as he headed pell mell towards me and home and the imminent arrival of his son. At the time we didn't know the babe was to be a boy, unlike our daughter I had been given no inkling as to who this new little arrival was going to be. But here was the father, weaving in the open door, the night wet behind him, one hand raking back through his wild blond hair while the other held on to the door frame to steady himself. And I knew that we weren't going anywhere yet. I had been up for hours, woken by the boulder my abdomen had become, and it had taken some time to track him down. He had found a pool game at the neighbours of a friend around the corner of the next street over. Typical birth story, a woman taking care of her man instead of herself as she prepares to bring a new life into the world. And yes, I know I sound just a little bitter. A few hours sleep, a cold shower and some cups of coffee later (him not me) I packed up our beautiful baby girl who had just turned three, called my sister in law, and we were on our way. First dropping Rhiannon off and then heading up the freeway towards the hospital with the well wishes of family still ringing in our ears. I don't remember much of the next part of the drive, just the never ending pain and hating being stuck in the seat of the car, but it's fleeting. The next real memory is laying in the hospital bed, so mad at myself that I was back in this..this..this most uncontrollable of all situations; wracked with unending waves of pain that I couldn't stop, stuck in the middle of the birthing process that would run it's course no matter how crazy I became. The staff was short handed with so many babies on the way they were running circuits between us all; then the need for the episiotomy the head was so big and no one to help ease the opening and the nurse explaining I wouldn't feel it at all, which was correct until the next day. And finally the beautiful little baby boy to hold and the joy and the love and the pride was a tide of emotion lifting me above all that had gone before. He was Joey from the beginning, Joseph David after two important people; Joseph for the man who gave me my first sailboat, and David after my husband's best friend. It was suppose to be the other way around, but I knew he was Joey as soon as I saw him and switched the order of the names.

It's so sad that I can't remember Jim being there once we reached the hospital. Maybe because I had been so mad at him, another night drunk when I could have used the support and company. I don't remember going in to have my tubes tied either, just the nurse asking me if I wanted something for the pain the next night and then luxuriating in the warmth and relief of a couple of percondan as they escorted me away from the pain and rolled me into the oblivion of sleep. Earlier that day I had discovered a little web between two fingers on Joey's left hand. No one else had noticed it, and the nurses were so surprised when I asked about it. Joey would be four and wanting to wear a baseball mitt before we scheduled the surgery to open up those fingers. And I thought labour was bad - waiting for him to be out of surgery that day was a nightmare of worry. But that's another story.

My next memories are of us at the house; the pain and discomfort of the episiotomy, wanting everyone to just please leave so I could find some normalcy, and finally this tiny little baby sleeping on the couch while I sat on the floor next to him, Rhiannon in my lap, both of us adoring him. He slept so much more as a baby than she ever did. While Rhiannon fought sleep tooth and nail Joey succumbed with what I think of now as a pervasive need to disappear. I wonder now looking back if he was longing for the magical place from whence he came, if he had an inkling of how hard it was going to get before he was allowed back. Once he was out of his crib and his first twin bed was still on the floor he would disappear before bedtime, tucking himself in and out for the count before I could even read him a story.

I have a strong memory of nursing him, sitting back against the soft black leather of the hideabed that was in his nursery, a blanket covering the both of us, and the delicious sensation of nursing that made me feel connected to the web of energy I think of now as god. Then it just felt like we were an important part of the universe, that all was right with the world. To bring the moment back into focus there was a salesman in the living room running a kirby vacuum over the carpet, shampooing it for free. I ended up selling my mom the gold nugget watch I had left over from another part of my life for $600 so I could pay for that damn kirby. Years later, I would let it go for $10 at a garage sale while still under the influence of grief.

And more memories...

Joey sitting on a winter's day in his little blue down vest digging in the dirt of the back yard and playing with his yellow dump truck. Blond hair shining, big sister at his side.

Joey riding his little red bike at four, training wheels just off, racing down the sidewalk.

Joey laying along the patio wall, playing at being dead so the vulture in the pine tree would try to come and get him.

Joey balancing on a surf board at the lake, water dripping off of him, the little droplets of light a halo around his strong slender body.

Joey's arm around my neck, holding on tight. If only I could have held on to him, protected him, from all that was to come. If only I could fogive myself for the memories I won't list and can't forget. It's 28 years later, and he's been gone for awhile now. Five and half years of gone. No birthday cake, no balloons, no candles. Just tears and chamomile tea. I sucked at giving birthday parties anyway, hell, I still do.

Where ever you are Joey, happy birthday. As much as I miss you now, I wouldn't for the world have missed all that came before. I Love You, Mom

Friday

2011-09-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

So two 'bad' days in a row, sort of. I did things great the first parts of the days, and then dinner ... not so much. I will give myself some slack here, it's a rough week, and I know the pressure that is driving me to eat will be lighter on Sunday. At least I am being more good than bad in my decisions, and probably at worst breaking even. It's too bad food works so well as a drug; if it didn't there wouldn't be so many fatties out here, now would there?

Had my green smoothie on the way to work, have home made soup to heat up for lunch and eat while I am walking over my break, and a big nectarine to eat on the way home. That will be the good part of my day. And afterwards...I like to pretend that I will be in control, and have a good evening. I like to pretend that I will go home, clean the kitchen, and make a wonderful, healthy, crunchy salad. I can do this. I can.

Tight Clothes

2011-09-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I feel the need to shed some pounds right away is that I have only one outfit to wear to work that isn't tight and uncomfortable. I wear it on Tuesdays. I know each week that there is one day I can look nice and be comfortable and not have to frantically search through my options to find something that is both presentable for our office environment and big enough that I won't be nauseous in an hour from toxins being pressed from my organs as my clothes bind and strangle me. This is not Tuesday, it's Thursday, and I have nothing at hand that I feel good about wearing. Stretchy top, stretchy pants, all outlining the curves and bulges because while they may be stretchy, they have become too small and fit me like the proverbial glove's smaller sister. Why can I not remember this feeling of disgust in the afternoon while I am driving home from work? I am focused in the morning, making a healthy breakfast and packing a nutritious lunch, taking enough water and wearing shoes I can walk in (Crocks). But on the drive home I am all the things I learned one can not be in order to be successful at this whole being happy and losing weight thing. Weight Watchers called it HALT: never be too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. And on the way home from work I am all of those things. I know I am responsible for feeling that way, that I should be able to dig deep and find ways to change my thoughts and my circumstances. But knowing that I should be able to do that, and still not doing it, only makes me feel a failure all over again.

So instead of explaining why I feel all of those things every afternoon, I shall take a few moments here to restate in the positive and try to at least get the morning back on track.

a. I will soon wear clothes that are cute and comfy.
b. I will exercise daily to improve my stiffness.
c. I will start keeping apples in the car again to eat on the drive home.
d. My house will 'rise up to greet me' when I get home from work.

This is all possible, and heading my way. I can see it, can feel it, and each day brings me closer if I do the work. Today I will do the work and be glad of it. Today I will do the work and be grateful for all the little things that make it possible for one's life to change for the better.

Dream a little Dream

2011-09-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

I start each day now by reading a couple of entries over at Sean's Blog both for the inspiration I feel at reading his words as well as the habit of doing something positive each morning to get off on the right foot. Today I read about keeping your dreams at hand so you can use them to combat cravings. Funny how this is all coming together. Yesterday as I was walking at lunch time I passed a girl getting the mail across the street and I couldn't help but admire how her white tank top was very flattering to her form. Slim waist, strong shoulders...she reminded me of someone and it took a moment to realize that it was me. A me that was 60 pounds lighter, but me. Athletic, nice waist, strong shoulders - I have all of those things when you can see them. And yesterday I burned that picture into my head so I could bring it out when I needed it, so I could hold it up in my mind like a crucifix against the little devil words of temptation that creep in so pervasively. I have written so many times about how tired I am of fighting, of how I just want to feel normal. Well, normal for me. But is fighting really fighting when you give in all the time? When you don't follow through in action what you battle internally what is that called? Because that is what I have been doing. I'm thinking it's time to stop whatever THAT is and actually get out there and win some battles in the real world. Like not eating the brownie bite yesterday, that was a real battle that I won. A few more of those each day and I could, just maybe, start feeling really good about myself. I need that, we all do.

As Glenda the Good Witch said, "It's been inside you this whole time" or something along those lines. I think making the connection between what's inside and what's outside is what makes the difference.

And with those last rambling thoughts I think I'll just ramble my way outta here determined to win all the little battles I fabricate this new fine day.

I'm late, I'm late....

2011-09-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

Late, but extending no excuses. Yesterday could have gone better, but it didn't. The good news is that I have the power to make this day one I can be proud of. 'Nuff said. Now I'm running late and the urge to farm is strong but instead I will use this time to good advantage and whip up a green smoothie to drink on the way to work and pack my healthy lunch so I have no reason to 'drive thru' later.

Digging dip to find some Muchness and heading out into the world. I will append this entry later today.

Later: Busy day at work. I know that theoretically you can only do so much in a day, but we are short staffed right now and going from one thing to the next without time to stretch and organize in between is getting tiring. But I am thankful to have a job! And to have a little house to come home to, and a for my little dog to greet me like I am the cat's pajamas. Better busy than moping this week anyway.

Had a great lunch today, home-made enchilada stoup from the freezer that was unlabelled and a nice spicy surprise. I did stop for a Big Mac (no beef, sub in tomatoes) on the way home; between my tired back and the heat there was no way I could face going home to make dinner. While I am giving myself a break this week, I am not diving off the deep end, and even after making some oven fries later on I think I was still within my calories for the day. Super thirsty tonight though - fast food will do it every time. My green smoothie for breakfast was extra yummy since I added in a cup of light vanilla soy milk and a frozen banana (sweet!) in addition to the usual blueberries. While I can't say the green smoothie energizes me, I can say that my ass drags when I don't have one in the morning if you catch the difference.

I did have a few hard moments today, listening to a couple of girls talking about someone's son and how wonderful he was. For all the awful parts there were, I feel my son was wonderful too in many respects. Guess it would be just wrong if I didn't think that, him being mine and all. But it did make me sad. I did not go get a brownie bite from the plastic container sitting on the break table, and I did not stop at 7-11 for ice cream on the way home. I just felt sad and then was able to let it go. Kudo's to me.

Planning for a good day again tomorrow. Hopefully I won't oversleep again and have time to do salad prep in the morning so it's ready for dinner tomorrow seeing as how the heat wave is suppose to last all week. My dream, or I guess just one of them, is to one day have someone to help prepare meals. If not my partner then hired help or a 'mostly plants' prepared food delivery service. It just wears me out. Maybe someone to do laundry and dishes too....but again, grateful that I can do it myself. Wow, my brain is just wandering everywhere; time to say sweet dreams and skedaddle.

"Ta Da"

2011-09-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I played with my granddaughter all morning; what a fun workout. But there was a moment I almost blew it. We had walked down to the little 'tot lot' by my house so she could slide. She loves sliding, and is big enough now and strong enough to climb up the poles to the platform. Each time I would stand behind her to spot and tell her how strong she was, and what a good climber. Because I am the Grandma it was easy to find the patience to let her make as many circuits as she wanted, my goal was to wear her out so she would nap well for her Mom. And then it happened, she asked me to slide. I almost said no, in fact I did say, "I don't think so", but she asked again and I thought about ... everything. It was like how people say that your life flashes before you when you are about to die, but in my flash it was the future I saw; me not setting a good example, me not fitting on the slide, me not practicing what I preach...and worst of all, me not participating. So I climbed up to the platform, very slowly and carefully (it's not even 5' high but I am currently sans health insurance) and climbed over the top pole to stand up. "Ta Da" I pronounced, hands held high in the air. And she yelled, "yay Mama". I barely fit to slide down, but fit and slide I did. The next time she climbed up she raised her hands in the air and copied my, "Ta Da" and I was so proud of myself.

By the time we got home I was starvin marvin, having spent breakfast cleaning up and getting ready for my spur of the moment date. I made a banana shake with flax, light vanilla soy milk, vanilla flavouring and frozen spinach flakes, and a scoop of casein free protein powder. I've been freezing the bags of spinach that I buy on sale, then after the spinach is frozen crush it into flakes. This makes it easy to ice up a smoothie or add to soup, and it's a great way to save a bag of spinach that has begun showing signs of age; at the first sign of a wilting leaf the bag goes in the freezer. So yes, all my banana shakes are dairy free and green. And delicious. We took turns sipping from the straw as we played bananagrams, picking out the letters of our names and finding the vowels. Very fun, and a nice quiet time after the exercise of the morning.

zpizza - if you have one of these near you, it's a wonderful choice in pizza. My daughter brought us each a slice when she came to pick up the little dearling and it was wonderful. They use ingredients that are free from hormones and pesticides and they use skim mozzarella, and a thin chewy crust that is made from organic wheat. Real food and not food products. Roasted garlic and artichokes, yum. And the best part was my daughter, making sure the toddler didn't want her crust because she had to throw it away so neither one of us would finish it for her. It felt so good to have her support, without even asking.

Another good day, and a good weekend. I could have exercised more, but I did keep moving for at least half of each day which is an improvement. And I could have eaten more raw veggies, but my back was still pinching from the tree work on Saturday and I really didn't want to cut up anything. I ended up making oven fries for dinner (340c) instead of a salad but at least it was food and not fast food. Also, I didn't make soup as I often do on the weekend, having enough frozen from previous cooking days to last me the week at work. So good days don't have to be perfect ones, they just need to include healthy choices and no WTF moments.

Doing, not Trying, for another day in a row.

Counting Calories

2011-09-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first time I tracked calories in...well, longer than I can remember. That poor tracking sheet has tabs going back to 2006. I refuse to think of it as a record of failed last attempts. It's somewhat like this blog, standing as evidence that I am still fighting, still trying to get to some mythical panacea of health and happiness. The satisfaction I see reflected in the writing of others has recently inspired me to 'do' instead of 'try' and I am hoping this mind set lasts longer than the weekend. It feels so good to be calm and focused for a change. I am not discounting that this has been a hard time for me in recent years. I was reading some past entries here yesterday and feeling just awful for...not me exactly, but for the anguish I read there and the girl who was typing at the time. The pain is still here, but there are layers of other stuff overlaying it like bandages. I must mention now the allegory I found years ago - grief is like a redwood tree recovering from fire; the burn remains, but new bark is grown over the damage covering it up as the tree continues to grow. Ok, back to yesterday.

Here is my food log. As you can see there are more than just calories. When I set this up I wanted to focus on health and there were some basic tenets that I thought important at the time. 1. Get enough calcium. I had followed the Atkins approach to dieting for a couple of years and one day walked out the front door, stumbled, and broke my leg. It makes sense to me now that I know digesting animal protein puts my body in an acidic state and in order to bring balance back, base minerals are stolen from the skeleton. My poor bones were probably very depleted and weak after a couple of years of abuse. 2. Don't get too much sodium. I am a potato-chip-aholic. They are a continuing battle. I have found that staying away from processed foods and using table salt alternatives gets the job done. You will see in my chart below that the sodium overage is from processed foods: canned beans, ketchup & salad dressing. If I had used home made refried beans and made my own dressing (as I love to do) my sodium would have been fine. But I had other things on my mind than salt yesterday. 3. Not too much protein. The WHO (world health organization) recommends that between 5-10% of daily calories come from protein. We WAY over indulge here in the States, and while my 15% is much higher than their recommendation, it is much lower than the average american bear. So this is why I expanded the tracking sheet. It didn't happen all at once, this is just the beast it has grown into. And that being said, I really should add a column for the last of the trifecta of evil in eating - sugar. But since I don't plan to track daily, I am not going to do that. I just want to track on days I am struggling to keep honest with myself, or to do a spot check if I am straying away from the basics (which I will share another day, this is already getting long.) I want to lose 20 pounds and I don't want to take a year or two in which to do it. I can do the last 30 or 40 slow and steady, not this first 20. It has to go and it has to go now! Hitting Control\Enter will enlarge the chart if you need a closer look.

After adding my orange for dessert about 7:30 last night I was happy with my totals. There were times yesterday I did feel like eating more, but it was just boredom. I can only do so much at a time with my back the way it is, and after working cutting up tree branches for the green waste container I had to come in and rest the remainder of the day. Today I will put a book on my Shuffle and go for a walk when I get to that place again.

All in all a good start. I got things done around the house, helped a neighbour cut up a tree, ate mostly well, stayed hydrated, and went to bed feeling proud of myself that I made it through a 1500 calorie day. A quick word about that number. My sister, who weighs less than my goal weight, used that number to lose a couple of pounds she wanted to get rid of, and there was Sean at 500 pounds using the same number for him to lose weight. That is why I call 1500 the magic number and updated my tracking sheet yesterday. I had landed on 1400 being a number I could live with, but I like the idea of an extra 100 calories. I think it is more realistic for not hitting that place of desperation that rises from deprivation. Ugh, hate awkward sentences but it says what I meant.

On to day two. I am alone again today and thinking about pancakes. What one has to do with the other I don't know, but the thoughts are linked. Well, I do know sort of; food has been a constant companion. In that I am no different than anyone else. Without it we would all die rather more quickly than we are now. Sad to think that I turn to food for company as much as nutrition, but changing my spots from a homebody...well, probably not going to happen. But I can change my habits, and have to a great extent if you discount this past year of self indulgence on the dark side. And it does feel ever so good to be out walking in the sun again.

AND...a phone call and I will not be alone today, the precious granddaughter is coming. Nothing like a two year old to keep you on your toes!

Nuts and Bolts Updated

2011-09-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

Things to consider in the search to be healthy:

I am what I eat

Just found this while going to enter this morning's calories in my tracking sheet. Since this morning's breakfast included a little canola oil on my oven fries, I obviously no longer follow this strictly, but it is a good reminder to find a healthier choice next time. I wonder what would happen if I tossed the potato wedges in a blend of nuts and water. Hmmmm.

There is another list that I found interesting, and will post that tomorrow.

Nuts and Bolts

2011-09-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

This blog wasn't meant to be a weight loss record, or lack thereof, but it comes up so often it might as well have been. Reading Sean's blog has encouraged me to focus on this for a while, if only to remind myself of all the wonderful knowledge I have and that I actually have to apply it for it to do me any good. So this morning I am thinking of the nuts and bolts of my eating program. Yes, eating program. We all have one, we all have a diet that we follow; diet and program don't mean restriction, they just mean what is usual for you. And I know that when I usually do the following things I feel better, have more energy, and lose weight.

I was logging my food and exercise at PeerTrainer back when I was slowly and surely losing weight and it really helped to find support from others who were eating along the same veins as I was (veins, plants, get it.) Anyway, I tried going back there recently and while it is still a good site I am too impatient - it loads super slow and takes forever to save changes. So I have decided I can do my logging here and pop in there to see what my group is up to and read what new ideas they are sharing when I am in need of inspiration.

What worked; these are the nuts and bolts - details later
Filling up two 24oz water bottles in the morning and drinking them throughout the day
Drinking a couple of large mugs of herbal tea, no 'natural flavours' in the ingredients
Staying away from glutamates (natural flavours usually means flavour enhancers which trigger cravings)
Staying away from artificial sweeteners
Moving; everyday do something to make it nice around the house, walk the dog, and shoot or ride the bike
Eating raw and cooked veggies every day; goal is a pound of each but at least a large healthy serving
Green smoothie for breakfast most days w\ flax meal
Variety, search out new and delicious meals
Restrictions: stay away from refined 'food products' and stick with the real deal
Weekend: hot yummy breakfast one morning (usually potatoes fried up with greens - yum)
Grocery day: one roll to make a yummy sandwich or bread item to share from the bakery
Evenings: finish eating by 7pm & go to bed with an empty stomach to boost my immune system
Breakfast: Break my Fast first with water or herbal tea, then eat when I am actually hungry

As I type this up I remember that these guidelines are about getting healthier, and that weightloss was an added bonus. But for my mental sanity I need to drop these first 20 pounds more quickly than before. I'm going to try and count calories a couple of days each week to make sure I am not going over the magic 1500 calorie mark. Remember when that number was 1200 and we would starve and then binge? Ugh. I have my old spreadsheet I can use, but in keeping true to other beliefs I have built up over the past several years, I want to focus on the positive. "What you focus on expands" (expanding calories...uh, no thank you!) seems to be the mantra from Mother Teresa to The Secret....and Oprah of course :) And I believe it. Besides, I have a tortured and ugly relationship with the then almighty calorie and counting them never worked for me in the past. But I think I can use it as a tool to stay on track for weight loss instead of it being the all consuming exercise in frustration that it once was.

While I was using the nuts and bolts listed above I was getting stronger and feeling better and losing weight - and it all went flying out the window when I finally found a J.O.B. after looking for over a year. "You Must Pay the Rent, I Can't Pay the Rent!" Anyway, what was easy to do while unemployed and time on my hands became impossible - add stress eating to that and the perfect storm of relapse came storming through my life. Now a year has gone by and I am back to working a desk job; the challenge will be to find ways to incorporate what I know into my 9-5 schedule. I am already making healthy lunches to take with me to work, and I am quitting my online farming in the morning to give myself enough time to make a healthy breakfast - so two big steps in the right direction.

Recommended Reading: In Defence of Food, anything by Dr. Fuhrman or Dr. McDougall or their fitness consortiums. I just want a refresher course on all the wonderful information I have read through; it's easier for me to make a good decision if there is a solid reason behind it; call it form following function (my form, my body's function.) How funny that I see those as two separate things, I am all of one piece, am I not? Learning to integrate might be a huge learning experience, but this morning I feel game as I think about Sean's box with the mirror in it.

And speaking of humour, that is paramount. I must and will surround myself with funny movies, books and people. Maybe the people part will take some time, but this has to change in my life. I can not, and will not, continue to be surrounded by gloom and doom. My positive attitude will persevere, radiant light will freakin stream from my eyeballs!

On to a good day.

Scaredy Cat

2011-09-16T22:50:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night and I have the weekend to think about. I don't want to make the mistake of planning so many things to do along the lines of 'being good' that I wake up overwhelmed by my well intentioned honey do list and crash and burn into a stack of pancakes and butter. But now that I am working 9-5, I really don't want to waste my weekend being afraid of failing, so instead I will play my common sense card and make lots of small decisions that will add up to a good weekend. I am starting tonight by not eating for 3 hours before bed time. That has been critical for me in the past. I know that going to bed on an empty stomach helps the immune system function better, and I want this wonderful machine I walk around in to have a good chance. That's part of the reason I want to be losing weight isn't it? Lightening the load so my poor bones and joints can have some relief.

Instead of 'getting away' with eating what I think I want this weekend (comfort food) as I spend much of the days alone, I will instead plan a couple of positive things so that I can eat what my body craves - greens - and find ways to keep moving and stay away from the mental traps that are ready to snap shut on my willpower.

My clothes were so tight today I was uncomfortable at work, having to adjust everything every time I stood or sat - what a pain! I remember this time last year, and how wonderful it felt to be able to come home in my jeans, and not have to change immediately into sweats to be comfortable. I remember what it felt like to have choices in my drawers and closet. And I want to feel that way again. Just 20 of the 50 pounds I want to lose and I can have those things back again; the 20 pounds I spent the last year gaining.

In a week it's Joey's birthday, and while I know there will be a great temptation to listen to the little voice inside saying WTF and eat myself sick - I won't. I liked what I read in Sean's blog this evening about being able to stand at the edge and take a couple of steps back. I will keep that in mind as I make 'good choices' this weekend.

Humour for the day, adding the word blog to the spell check dictionary as I write in my blog!

Goals tomorrow - review the simple and effective eating habits I was following last year about this time. I remember when I fell off the wagon and hit the ground gobbling. It was the huge bag of Halloween candy someone brought into the office. It was a hard time for me; working two part time jobs to the tune of about 45 hours a week at about minimum wage for the first time in over a decade, and dealing with grief for the first time in public as the holidays approached. And I dove into that candy bowl like it was oxygen and I was working on the moon. This year will be different, the first day candy shows up - and it will- I will spend my lunch at the store picking out a bowl of fruit.

I don't feel manic, just positive, and I am hoping that being more consistent here will help me stay accountable out in the world....as I am sure I have written many times. But this somehow feels different. Starting weight, 205 pounds. I thought I would never see that again, and having seen it I am amazed at how long it has taken me to decide to do something about it. Why I didn't scream and start eating carrots at 199 I don't know; but then that is the power of depression - it can ignore anything. So my food choices will be based around eating for health since I know that I can stave off the big D a little bit that way as well as help defray the damage from the little G (depression and grief if you weren't paying attention.)

Positive thoughts. A breath of fresh air after a pity party. Ok, so maybe a little manic after the depressive. But it's all me, and tonight it's all good. And now, to bed.

Sleepless

2011-09-16T04:23:00.000-07:00

There are many types of sleepless nights. Those where you are too tired to get up but your mind keeps churning away and you can't still it enough to get some rest no matter how many sheep you count or mantra's you recite. Then there are those where you wake up as if it were morning and after visiting the loo never get back into bed. Because of the size of my house, or lack thereof, I cannot do much on those nights because I don't want to wake my housemate, or partner, or whatever he is these days. And nights like this one, where I wake up feeling sick and wonder if I am dying because I have not been taking care of myself. Where I mentally tick off all the extra sugar and salt I consumed the day before and can now feel coursing through my body - a stroke waiting to happen. So first it is tossing and turning and too tired to get up while my mind whirrs away and then finally sick of my own thoughts an unable to get a harness on them I quietly get up and unzip my little dog from her night quarters and we slip into my office to settle in for some distraction. She to her cats and me to my computer. A little farming, a little reading, and finally a little finger dancing across the keyboard. How I wish the words would come to sweep me away into oblivion as they sometimes do, but this night there is no such relief, and I am not saved from the boredom of ... well, of me.

And of course now my ego is up in arms, how on earth could I be boring. I am, after all, the center of the universe. And now I am distracted by the fact that the word center is not recognized here by spell check. How odd - or is it a message? And that is just how tired I am, and a definite sign that I would be better off tossing and turning in bed! I guess the nonsense of it all might be better if it were shared, and it is sad that I don't have anyone in my life I would like to have that conversation with. Truth be told there has never been someone to just chat up all the little mysteries with in a fun convivial way. I seem to attract the opinionated sort of people who can't be bothered with all the 'what ifs' I would like to explore over a glass of wine, a walk, a lifetime. Well, that's not exactly true, there is E who would indulge my flights of fancy. And now, missing her, maybe tears will finally send me off to sleep.

All in all I guess this post will end up under Pity Party after all.

Daily Inspiration

2011-09-14T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's a nice change to go from venting everyday to simply looking and finding some small point of light to brighten things up, and by things I mean me. I had forgotten how nice it is be around someone who is positive. So thank you to those who shine a light instead of emanating gloom and doom. I aspire to join your ranks someday!

"act as if"

2011-09-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

Quote from Sean (see blog link):

"Because I destroyed that old tape and replaced it with something worth listening to. How do you make a new mix tape for your brain? Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain, and most importantly...Believe it."

The last sentence is basically what my sister was trying to tell my stubborn self the last time I saw her. Keep a gratitude journal, use positive reinforcement. There was another quote on Sean's blog that he used, something about 'not being able to walk into a new future if you amputate your past.' It happened, it's a learning block, use it. But don't let it rule you.

"Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain" I will start today. I will write a new tape.

I know I have been wallowing in ... hatred. There, the sad ugly truth. Hating myself that I can't prevent horrible things from happening. And just like that the vision brought to me in 'Eat Pray Love' looms large in the flat screen of my brain - trying to hold back the ocean - like that could ever be done. Maybe too many stories growing up of heroines and saving and be saved: the undertow of my thinking my whole life, dragging me under because I couldn't figure out how to step up onto the surfboard and ride the waves instead. I love that picture, and I think I will use it to start my new positive tape. A picture of me surfing, what a wonderful picture to keep in the forefront of my waking thoughts.

I think today that first I will write out my demons, then burn them. I have felt for years that I need a cleansing ceremony, and I have an idea now of what I need to do. I know this won't dispell the negative thoughts forever and always, but it can be a defining moment in how I manage them going forward. It can help destroy their holding pattern leaving room for my positive tape.

So my tape. First the picture, then the words. They don't have to be unique or super special or have the capability of blowing someone's mind with my grasp of a perfect solution. The tape just needs to tell my truth. That I have an athlete living inside who can come out now, that no matter how I look no one can destroy me because of it; that I am strong, and that I am worthy just because I am here. Simple and true. For me and everyone else. And the tape isn't a get it perfect and keep it sort of an exercise. The point is to start, and to keep it positive.

It has been said that because we are all special, no one is. I beg to differ. We are all unique, just a little bit different than everyone else at the least, and that is special. I am special.

Thank you Sean for reminding me that all I need to do is believe. And if I can't do that, all I have to do is "act as if" until I can drag the positive truths about me out into the open.

Just a crappy day

2011-09-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

When you love someone, does it give you the right to stick your nose into their business? Not one of us is smart enough to know all the answers; for ourselves let alone someone else. So why can't I keep my big mouth shut? Even if I am saying what I feel, and especially if the other person isn't hearing what I mean, what on earth makes me qualified to tell anyone what my take on it is? On anything? I've screwed up so much, and everyone else has that same right. You follow your heart, you make decisions, and your life unfolds accordingly. Does what I have to say need to be part of their journey? Am I willing to take responsibility for how what I say is interpreted? Better to just keep my mouth shut, and my arms and heart open. That is my new motto. I promise. For at least some of you, or at least for the most important one.

I grew up reading stories about people being saved and saving others. That's the worst fairy tale of all.

Day one of Eleven

2011-09-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

There have been some really hard days recently, and I am not proud of how often I have succumbed to that evil little voice that tempts me into thinking 'what the fuck' and grabbing some french fries for dinner. I am reminded everyday that I need to keep my thoughts positive, whether by myself or by others, but I am so tired of fighting to stay positive. I figure the 20 pounds I have gained back is punishment enough for not trying harder, and I just can't beat myself up any more or there will be nothing left of me.

Anyway, this past weekend I did the prep work for a healthy week. I made a big batch of lentil soup that was mostly greens and turnips and I prepped yellow squash and red onions so that they were ready to throw in the pot for an easy dinner. After work today I sautéed a big handful of the latter with the last of a bag of Asian stir fry veggies from TJ's and one small nuked potatoe (sorry, looks naked without the e at the end.) I mashed the tater up with a little home-made sauce of soy milk, nutritional yeast, soy sauce, tahini and chipotle sauce. Sometimes you just need to keep adding things until you get something good - I want my food to be delicious. I topped this with the veggies and YUM.

Then outside to shoot my bow, which I picked up yesterday for the first time in a year, and to berate myself for how weak I have become. I also congratulated myself for being out there and shooting; yin and yang, keeping the balance. Yesterday I also opened my old 'tracking sheet' file to look at how I was eating last year, and glanced at how I was tracking my exercise back when I was losing weight slowly and surely, and while looking at the detailed pages I realized I have absolutely no compulsion to take it back up again. Maybe if I put my energy into good choices instead of into logging what I have done and what I intend to do it will go better. One (I) can only hope. That's a step closer to living in the present, no?

I do have goals; I want to shoot in the PacCoast Championship later this month so I am in a hurry to build up some stamina. I need to eat more greens for energy, and I need to quit eating fast food for the same reason.

So today went well; green smoothie for breakfast, lentil soup and a walk at lunch, stir fry veggies for dinner, and 30 arrows shot in the driveway sweating away in the 93 degree heat. It will be hot at the tournament so it's good training, and I love thinking of all the toxins leaking away in my sweat so that was okay.

Tonight I need to rest my back, so no farming - maybe a little bit later on, but this typing has used up the last of me for a while. If I want/need to eat later I have lots of fresh veggies to make a salad or just munch away on cauliflower and carrots.

Day One - Good. Ten to go before we leave for Sacratomatoes, otherwise known as Sacramento.

Day for Decisions

2011-08-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

I may not make the right decisions, but they are mine to make. Mistakes or inspired changes in direction, I am responsible. Spending hours updating a resume and sending it out after a day of work is not how I wanted to spend the evening. And why I am thinking changing jobs will improve anything is beyond me. Now that I have done it, I think I should just stay where I am and write at night and create something that will take me out of the 9-5 rat race once and for all. If only. I don't know if I have the energy to start over again in a new office. I just don't.

delete...

2011-08-22T20:33:00.000-07:00

delete, delete, delete.....sigh

Sunday

2011-08-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Depending on how you hold the Sword of Guilt, it can either work for, or against you. To say that guilt has been a major player in my years of immobility would not exactly be an understatement; how can one move towards anything knowing that action, any action, might cut into another's sphere of influence. Might have causal effect on something going horribly wrong on their journey. So what if that is what is suppose to happen in the larger scheme of things, who wants the responsibility?

Remembering what I had posted about working in the back yard, and knowing I had wasted away more hours than I care to tally up here on the computer instead, today guilt prodded me in the other direction and action took the day; I made it outside. First walking the little dog, then getting out the little tree-limber chainsaw and taking care of some long overdue chores out back. A dent, but an improvement.

Chopped salad for lunch I had made last night but not eaten; Potatoes and kale for breakfast; so far not a horrible day.

Overload Shutdown

2011-08-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the euphoria of Friday and knowing you have two days to yourself disappears under the weight of Saturday's Honey Do List. Thus I find myself still in lounging wear with hair unbrushed when the doorbell rings at 11am Saturday morning. Funny how seeing your home through another's eyes can open your own; with a shudder I start picking up the week's detritus and start thinking about what clothing I have that will fit and not make me crazy. Maybe stretchy work out pants and a tank top, that sounds fairly safe, and I can work in the back yard before lunch just so I feel I have accomplished something this morning besides flexing my thumb on the tv remote. Depression sucks, waking up at 3am with mind awhirling sucks. Okay, I need my audio book, which means loading it on the computer first; Up and at'm Sunshine!

Fast Food: White Bean Soup

2011-08-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

4C stir fry veggies pre chopped
olive or canola oil
veggie broth
ground cumin
ground chili
ground ginger
1 T White Mild Miso
Mrs. Dash 'table' seasoning
coconut milk, unsweetened
Trader Joe's yellow curry sauce
1 can white beans

Buy the veggies pre-chopped, this is for a quick dinner and you don't want to spend time or energy chopping. Knowing you can make this super fast can be the difference between coming home to make a quick nutritious dinner or driving through for garbage. Ok.

Stir fry the veggies in about 1T of oil for a few minutes, maybe five, stirring over high heat
Add veggie broth to just cover the veggies, go change into comfy clothes while it heats up
Add a couple healthy shakes of each of the spices - a few red pepper flakes if you want it spicy
Add 2 glugs of yellow curry sauce and about 1/4C - 1/2C coconut milk
Add half the beans (rinsed)
Bring to a boil, cover and turn heat down to low
Simmer 15 minutes
Add black pepper to your bowl, and maybe a touch of sea salt or a little more Mrs. Dash - you know what you like.

Rich and delicious and full of nutrition. I suppose if I am going to do this I should enter it in my tracking sheet so I have some basics to post. But the reality is that if I stress over calories and macro nutrients it just makes me nuts. The recipes I plan on posting are healthy enough to just eat until you are full. Eat half of this right away because you are starving after work. Dish up the second half and let it sit while you wash your pan and ladle - LOVE easy one pan dishes. Put away the beans and veggies for another day, tidy up, and then see if you feel like eating more. If you do, fine, if not - perfect! Leftovers for lunch the next day. You could of course freeze it for another day (remember the label) or have it for dinner the next night. But really, it's so good you will want your seconds, and your body probably needs the veggies.

Ego

2011-08-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

We all have an innate need to share when something works for us personally. Whether it's religion, a money market or the latest diet we simply have to share with others and bring them on board, certain that this is an answer for them too. When we love someone it is double hard NOT to press our beliefs on them despite the fact that they have to figure things out for themselves 99% of the time. Or at least it seems that way to me. We don't wish to be told how to do something because we are all a bunch of 'know it alls'. Yet still we feel compelled to foist our our flags up another's pole. Somehow our egos are strong enough to ignore the reality that everyone else has an ego too that is also loathe to accept help,no matter how well intentioned. Hell of a survival trait, that misguided ego of ours. Or is it misguided. The thought surfaces that just perhaps survival is more about finding our own path rather than following the trail where someone else has had to bushwhack their way through to make the going easy for us? I have not studied how ego helped us get to where we are today, and certainly we had to share and cooperate in order to survive as a species. But I think of all the slaughter that has accompanied our evolution and can't help but wonder what part the ego played there and why so much violence has haunted our collective journey. How is all that human waste conducive to surviving as a species? OMG....how I digress.

So back on track....what do you do when someone notices you are struggling and suggests you try a couple of things that have worked for them? I felt myself shutting down and becoming defensive, yet I can see that they can clearly see that I need help, and I can't help loving them for trying, and even being grateful that someone hasn't given up on me. But can I follow their advice? Or am I too stubborn? Is my ego too strong?

I am grateful for those who still love me; especially the unconditional love of my little dog. I may not listen to the sage advice they send my way, I may just stumble along on my own for a bit more, but it is good to be loved.

Quiet

2011-08-14T06:21:00.000-07:00

To feel calm and to be able to enjoy a breath of quiet is truly a moment of grace. No thoughts racing through my head, no irritability to be on the move. Just a small sense of peace. How wonderful to lay still, my body heavy and relaxed on the soft cotton sheets. I know that really learning to meditate could bring this state to me on a daily basis; maybe it really is time to put some effort towards that goal. It is one of the most frustratingly perverse human traits that we can think a thing to death and never take a step towards something we fancy.

It is a quiet grey morning outside, the light of the new day not quite having breached the walls of my mother's house. I woke from a dream where I was holding my small son, and comforting him while he cried. I knew he missed me, knew I was leaving again, and it made me so sad and so confused and guilty that I woke up. Now the calm is creeping away as my heart fills with the memory of that dream, and feels so heavy it will most certainly drop down through my body to thud on the floor.

I am so grateful for the moment of peace I had this morning. I will try to think good thoughts this morning and not let myself dwell. I know I am worthy, why can I not behave accordingly.

Drinking & Driving

2011-08-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

Drive your mother around on her errands, get home and have a drink. 'Nuff said.

The black List

2011-08-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

Not a wink of sleep last night; caffeine got me here but instead of leaving once his usefullness was gone he stuck around like the bad penny he is poking and prodding and denying me my escape into dreamland. What a rotten friend. Let's see, so far on the black list today is facebook going down for maintenance about 3:30am, the alarm that went off really loud at 5am and the hair dryer that blew out in the bathroom outlet (an ongoing problem) almost guaranteeing a bad hair day. Where is Pollyanna this morning? True, there are bluejays squawking up in the trees and there is herbal tea brewing. And I am clean if uncoiffed.

The daydream from yesterday is still clear in my mind. Speaking of my mind, I wonder what difference it has made replacing music with audio books. Do they use both sides of the brain like music? I'll have to google that later. Dull dull dull. But writing each day is a muscle I need to exercise.

Sun Rot

2011-08-11T02:53:00.000-07:00

Driving south to visit my Mother I had a few hours to think, and found my thoughts drifting in and out of the wreck of a relationship I was leaving at home for a few days. And the vision that kept coming up was how my life had become like a bag that had been left out in the sun too long. There I was strolling along the beach in a wasteland of sand and sun and small broken branches when a small glimmer caught my eye. I go to pick up what looks to be a linen sack and as I begin to lift it up out of the sand it falls apart in my hands, the small weathered pieces falling between my fingers and drifting off into the wind scattering into a 'thousand little pieces', so to say. This is such a strong daydream that it is more like a memory; a very disturbing moment of de ja vu. I immediately grasp the obvious, that it is pointless to try and put back together what had fallen apart so completely. Something entirely new would have to be forged out of this debri, or maybe it would be best to just sweep it up and put it out at the curb. But it is clear, the time has come to use a 'get out of limbo free' card and start moving the piece of my choosing along the game board. Sorry, sitting here typing away in my Mother's house I guess it's easy to revert to childish allegories.

I am looking forward to spending a few days caring for my Mom and for myself. The pity train tends to serve fast food garbage and I need some extra greens and exercise in my life right now. I know that one full day of taking care of the details is all it takes to switch trains and get the healthmobile back on track. Bless her heart, there is a bag of dark chocolate covered power berries on the night stand next to my bed; it will be a healthy few days :)

Pruning Therapy

2011-08-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Whacking away at bushes gone wild is much cheaper than retail therapy plus it adds the benefit of burning more calories than strolling through a store. I realized recently, a week or so ago, that my backyard is an honest reflection of my inner-state; mind, heart & soul. I was enjoying a rare dip into the hot tub, delighting in the greenery and birdsong until my gaze shifted from the trees and birds down to where the jasmine was thriving, growing merrily away and strangling it's near neighbours, the miniature pomegranate bushes. I also noted an unwanted fruitless pear that had volunteered it's presence in the same planting bed and had weaved it's way through the roses, the whole mess again the prisoner of the wayward and pernicious aforementioned perfumed vine. What a great jigsaw puzzle.

It has taken a week or so for the matter to ferment inside the mysterious workings of my brain. And today I was so bothered by my inactivity I succumbed to the lure of green tea and the hoped for energy it might supply to prod me to action; any action. Said action turned out to be the backyard, my brain letting my body know without any consultation with 'me' what needed to be done and I found myself halfway through filling the large green waste container before I realized I was outside and actually doing something productive. Oh the wonder of drugs (caffeine) and a rare beautiful summer day. I have missed most dreadfully my cool, but clear and sunny, summer mornings when I could putter out back to my hearts content. Instead this year I want to pull on slippers and a sweater, brew my herbal tea and hibernate in front of Hal (a term for my computer borrowed from Poodle whom I have not introduced to this medium but for whom I have great respect and admiration. Anyway, I digress - think Space Odyssey if you need a reference.)

Thirst finally drove me inside, leaving the green waste container filled with just enough room left at the top for lawn clippings. My mind and body temporarily soothed by meaningful (to me) activity, and an hour or so gone that I did not have to fret over. If only they could all pass in such a gloriously unexamined way.

"It was a seven page fax, the first letter was F"

2011-08-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I once postulated that the whole reason we are born into these bodies, into this world, is to figure out how to deal with change. It is, is it not, everything? It's all around us in every facet of our lives, yet we seem to fight it tooth and nail by instinct, from out deepest gut; at least I do, and I see those about me in the same turmoil. Even when change will most likely be for the better, for everyone concerned, we fight. I heard once that we cling to what we know, that misery with what we know is easier than the fright of the unknown. Heaven knows what little beasties are out there to torment us. So I decided that if change is such an intrinsic part of life for us here on this world we find ourselves in, and we are so bad at it, then we must be here to learn about it. Which begged the next question; what comes next that we have to be prepared to embrace change? Today, who cares. It's too bad there is no one in my life I can talk about it with, I would love to have some drinks and talk and ponder and ... but no one. A story for another day about yet something else that is my fault. Egads.

Back on topic. Here I am faced with a big upheaval in my life, a drastic change that I am not ready for, nor that I wish, well, maybe. Anyway, I've said the words and I feel .... awful. And the house is quiet. And the memory of a favourite book comes to me; something along the lines of...if you don't let someone know they have a choice, how can they make an informed decision? Why is it so hard to tell someone what you want, how you feel. Why is the very thought of hearing a no, or an argument, such a strong deterrent to sharing your thoughts? At this point there is nothing left to lose I guess, so maybe I will think about it. The problem is I don't really know what I want. Aren't I a little old to be so uncertain? Never the charging horse me, always the quiet one..."that's me in the corner." Right. Damn. And for two weeks I have been stuffing my face to make this icky feeling subside. Rats again.

Calm Morning

2011-07-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Another cloudy California morning, but today there is a swathe of light streaming in from the East, and the lawn across the street is a gleaming emerald beacon of the day to come. How it beckons me, tempting me out of my little room where I sit typing; tippity tap tap goes the keyboard as my feet stay firmly planted under my chair. Today is a walking day, I took yesterday off, and I know I should do it now to get the day off to a good start; planning to do it after work is...insanity. I am fairly certain it won't happen. But the sleep help I took last night is not conducive to a bright and cheery and movement oriented morning. Time to switch back to herbal teas and see if I can sleep without the pm crap. But I am scared of what I may lay awaking thinking...we'll see.

History and and the Horrors of Repetition

2011-07-23T10:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing for a long time; sucked into the insanity of online gaming I have been struggling to keep my head above water there - thoughts of 'what the fuck am I doing wasting this day here' and 'I need to get up, I need to move, I need....something!' coursing through my brain as I sit immobile except for the flurry of my mouse finger and the occasional pattering across the keyboard. Ugh. But I love to play and I don't see that going away.

After my pathetic (but needed) dip into the pity pool last night I am rather calm this morning. I gamed a little, walked the dog & washed my wine glass, and spent some time reading back some of the posts I have written here. I should rename this post something like, "The intimate ramblings of a bi-polar idiot." My god, I have been in the same place emotionally so many times, will I never learn? Lets see, there is a good day filled with 'INSIGHTS' followed by the determination to 'FIGHT', and the 'LISTS' of all the wonderful plans on how to succeed. Ugh. then I disappear for a while, and all is dark and pitiful. And then...well just more of the same over and over. So I guess here I am again back at the beginning YET AGAIN. A good morning after a bad night and ready to slay dragons. How Dreadfully Boring.

Yes, yes, but lets move on to the lists :)

Goals:
Eat for nutrition - Log at PeerTrainer
Stay Accountable - Blog here
Exercise - Walk the Dog, Shoot my Bow, Start the 100 push ups program, Ride my Bike

How Grateful I am to be able to do those things. And it might all change, so I will try to feel blessed by what I can do instead of being grumpy about how things didn't turn out.

Sigh.

Endings

2011-07-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Why are endings and beginnings so different? They are after all just part of the same thing. But I do think that how you begin something has a definite bearing on how you end it. Whether it's Love, or a Habit; a Job or a Hobby. When you rely on someone or something else to provide the impetus for action, when that person or thing shuts down, well, so do you. I guess. I have no clue how or why anything works or doesn't, and really, I guess my faith is pretty much in the toilet tonight. Faith in myself, in the universe at large, in Love.

I never imagined I would be who I am today. I may have written about the day I was driving to school and listening to the radio. I heard someone say how they had wasted their life trying to figure out who they were and remember thinking, "that will be me." How on earth could I have known - or at that moment did I decide my future. Do I wish I could go back and punch in another station before hearing those words? No. I haven't the energy to even think of starting over.

I loved reading that for a human life there is no control group. It's the one thing I can hang on to, that how I feel and grieve is just perfectly normal for me. But if that is true, how can I hate so much what I have become? I can feel barely a glimmer of light in my center screaming out, "I'm here, don't give up!" Such a small and far away voice; a thought really, not even a sound. And so tiny. But there it is, and I can't ignore it. I wish I could. I wish I could throw in the towel and just be who and what someone else needs me to be instead of being tortured daily by what I think I should have been. Lord knows I think I have fairly well slaughtered the hope of who I once thought I was.

I know I am loved, and valued, by at least a couple of people. I know deep down inside there is that girl who remembers how to love and smile. I just can't find her right now, and it's a very sad day.

A positive step

2011-01-24T13:15:00.000-08:00

Back to logging my food at PeerTrainer for a bit to get back in the habit of being accountable to myself. I will keep that link updated for at least a month while I detox from fast food and sugar and get back to eating mostly plants. Two days of eating well and I already feel better. Plants rock!

Wasted thoughts

2011-01-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

As February approaches my thoughts are much of Joey, and this morning as I began to go down my list of what ifs and could haves I stopped and asked myself the hard question. Would I really wish him back? What exactly am I grieving? The sound of his voice and his rare laughter, his crew cut soft against my hand and the smoke pouring out of the kitchen as he bangs around in there cooking like he does everything else - too fast and impatient to be done once he finally starts. Can it be that the part of me that is relieved that he is not here struggling with the horrendously hard life of an addict has somehow crept across the dividing line and is now bigger than the part of me that wishes he were here making me crazy. The part of me that tries to believe that were he here he would succeed in his struggle to find a niche in his life where he could be himself, that he would find a place where the demons could no longer torment him.

And I realize that I don't want either of those scenarios; I don't want him somewhere else finally free of the burden's and lessons and strings of this life, nor do I want him being here back in the turmoil of his old life. What I want is to have him back, with both of us realizing the journey we have each been on for the last five years. I want him back with some magical new-found knowledge that would enable him to say, "Wow, that was hard, but worth it because now I really know how to live. I love you Mom, thanks for waiting for me, it's going to be great now". And I would have all the patience he required to find this new better life he would create, and then finally this small chapter of insanity I've been living through would gradually fade, leaving only the lessons and none of the pain.

Big Sigh. A few tears. A much needed reality check.

I've been stuffing my face since September, since Joey wasn't here to turn 27, and while I sometimes knew I was saying what the fuck as I gobbled down yet another piece of Halloween candy, another piece of Thanksgiving pie, another box of Christmas chocolates, mostly I was just whisking all thoughts of anything into a big metaphysical duffel bag and stuffing them down deep. I have found it just way too easy to set the auto pilot to run while I check out. And with the first sunny morning in a long time, I finally have the thought that I need to start fighting back again. Some of you know all too intimately how the stages of grief are measured in many different ways. It's not as though you feel things in an orderly and timely fashion and then your'e done. I think of my grief as being translated into words. For those who don't know, imagine those words becoming sentences, sentences stretching into paragraphs, and then collecting into chapters and books. The next thing you know the book is one in a set of volumes on the subject, and that your little collection is just a small section of shelving in your library of references on grief . Sure there are other books in the library, and in them reflections of joy and glimpses of possibilities for life beyond the passing of a child. But I don't really want to live in this library. I want to burn it down and start fresh. I have worked so hard on and off to find a way to forgive myself for the part I played in his short life, but at best the forgiveness I do find is mostly pretence. Because to survive I do need to at least pretend that I am ok.

So back to fighting. That is what this post is about. It's about confessing how badly I have been doing and affirming my decision to put back on the boxing gloves yet one more time. I am not out for the count yet. Visions of fighting my way out of a wet paper bag suddenly appear before me, but oh well. A fight is a fight and I am up for it. I will go back to the basics that have helped before. Take care of the body and the mind will follow.

The temptation to make a list of how I will do that is very tempting, but in the shower this morning I had a thought about lists. For some it is a Honey Do exercise and they find it very satisfying to check off each item as it is done. For others of us, it is a way to cement in the real world the wishes and hopes and dreams we formulate in our own little fantasy worlds. I have become very wary of my lists as they seem mostly to be accountings of good intentions that I will only come across later and say, "Oh yes, another failure that one!" So no list today - although I can't promise there won't be one tomorrow - just a small determined 'hope' that today at least I will take care of myself just enough that I will feel like doing it again tomorrow.

And in doing this I am admitting that I cannot change anything that has gone before, and that trying to figure out what I should be wishing for is not just pointless but harmful. For the moment I have purged the strong feelings that make me crazy, I have accepted the reality that beating myself up accomplishes nothing, and I really really really want my 'muchness' back. Enough said.

Really, another list?

2011-01-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

Two months have flown by, and again no writing to speak of...and a sentence almost ended in a preposition! My Bad.

I was having a conversation with my Mother recently, and this notion formed - why, if life is just one change after another, is it so hard for most of us to deal with things not staying the same? And I felt a truth emerge from that - perhaps that is the meaning behind our physical (human) experience; to learn to handle change so we can continue evolving.

And this morning in the shower a whole idea for a book formed from that insight; an enclave of spiritual beings selecting their 'human experience' from a menu of emotions that are based on a physical experience. Beings that are so far removed from what we experience on a daily basis that to them famine & gluttony along with pain & ecstasy are just a means to an end; to feel something. They are just a menu choice for their birth into the physical world where 'feeling' is possible. Evolution having taken them to a place that was small instead of infinite, they use travelling to a physical world through 'birth' to learn about change before becoming extinct through ... apathy. Of course there will need to be some sense of looming disaster to lend expediency into the mix and form a story line. Maybe someday the book will be written. In the meantime I can just keep living the experience and taking notes.

I also noticed this morning that taking a shower should not be so exhausting for the average healthy bear! So, as with many in the world this January I have what I hope are some resolutions to act upon as opposed to good intentions that tend to lie stagnant.

   1. Quit lying to myself; I've been eating horribly for months, not days.
   2. Live what I preach; eat mostly plants for energy and health.
   3. Do more of what makes me feel good (cook & write) and throw fewer pity parties with evil Mr. Sugar.
   4. Move! Stretch, Ride, Shoot, Smile.

And so the year begins.

Stuck

2010-11-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"...memorable advice from my maternal grandmother, Mommer, that I can't seem to follow despite how true the words ring or how often I quote it to myself and others. The follow up is from my daughter, who looked up the word procrastination and didn't like what she read since that is a trait I seem to have passed along to her. I also do not like what it says about me, since I am a chronic procrastinator, and zeroed in on this passage:

Psychological

"The psychological causes of procrastination vary greatly, but generally surround issues of anxiety, low sense of self-worth, and a self-defeating mentality.^[4] Procrastinators are also thought to have a lower-than-normal level of conscientiousness, more based on the "dreams and wishes" of perfection or achievement in contrast to a realistic appreciation of their obligations and potential.^[5]"

That's me,dreams and wishes, and not living up to my potential. Crap. I hate being self aware on one hand and lazy enough to ignore what I learn on the other; there is a serious disconnect here and so far I have been unable to bridge the gap. I am a good worker bee, and take pride in my work when it is for another. The disconnect becomes apparent when the work is for myself, and I continually forget about the ripple effect that can suck others down into my ever deepening tar pit of good intentions. Road to hell indeed. So today I decided to make myself a 'honey do' list (me being the honey), and what better place to post it than the blog I keep 'intending' to update! I don't want to clutter the list with the day to day humdrum details that I keep putting off, but instead to focus on the things that I feel will help me move forward - the mental list that keeps popping up but is continually left undone. So my goal here is to write the list, and then stay accountable to myself by republishing it with items marked off.

Reorganize home 'office'

Mending

Mileage Log

Write each day for an hour instead of virtual farming (more about that later)

Yoga or stretching as a routine

Quit fast food yet again

AND....this is ridiculous - making yet another list instead of working on something - I am the Goddess of Procrastination! At least I am writing it down so my actions can count towards the new habit of writing each day.

I think I need to append the stages of grief with a notation about being stuck thrown in as 4.5 on the list. That being said, I haven't even written about how I am working again, but that is for another day, and another moment of quiet in which to write.

"The sun will come out, tomorrow..."

2010-11-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

While I don't like the idea of Annie replacing Pollyanna, the words seemed appropriate this morning. I need to write...and I think I will start again tomorrow. And I need to start writing down ideas in a notebook so I can expound upon them later; who knows, these could be the columns that fuel my retirement!

Hating that I feel the need to write this down

2010-07-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I lost something today. Yes, it has been an extremely challenging week and yes I've made too many mistakes to count - nor would I want to count them at any rate - but now it all just seems a fitting prelude leading up to today. Going back to work was suppose to mean feeling good about taking care of my responsibilities, it was not suppose to be about bringing into focus how wrong I feel about everything in my life. And today, a Sunday, was suppose to be about supporting my partner in something important, and instead we killed the fun of something we both love. I'm just tired and sad, and embarrassed that I am just another lemming who is realizing the weekend is almost over. A rum and diet Pepsi sits on my desk as I type, and I can't drink it fast enough to numb this awful feeling. Each of us home after a long and exhausting day spent at the same place doing the same thing yet not together, and now home; separate in our little offices that each use to be a bedroom to a bright and energetic child a lifetime ago and worlds away. What terrible things life has wrought, and just now it's hard to remember the good things. How maudlin of me, how deep my dive into the pity pool this afternoon.

Closet ramblings

2010-04-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

A year or two or so ago I remember posting about clearing out old clothes from my closet - well, let me just go search and see if I can find it, hang on....found it! Too Many Clothes was written just barely over a year ago - wow, only a year? I was so glad to find it just where I thought it would be under the label 'self discovery'. And now I want to write about lots of other things; why I looked first for a post about clothes under self discovery and about the benefit of keeping a journal or blogging or however we account for ourselves. Because going back and reading how I was feeling then, really helps me put into perspective what I am doing, thinking and feeling today. Now, what was I saying???

Oh yea, the closet and yes, the yearly spring cleaning - or should I say the yearly spring thinning? I have been sort of sorting through my winter clothes as I do the laundry, and while there is less to go through this year, I am still amazed by how many things I have that just aren't me. All the 'make do' items that I bought as I grew larger just because they were the least offensive and fit the criteria of that day, or rather, they just fit period. I hate all these high rise jeans I have, thank heavens my DD passed on some of her more current style jeans for me to wear during this weight transition. Reading back it's nice to see that the 18's are all gone now, and while I'm not as far along as I thought I would be by now size wise, at least I am still going in the right direction. And this year I am thinking about this before I drag the dreaded blue tubs out of the closet to sort through and exchange winter for summer garb. I will not pack away any winter clothes that I have kept before just because they fit or I might need a larger size next winter -not going to happen. Only the clothes that 'speak' to me get to stay. No dwelling over choices like I did last year, just looking forward to the fun of purging the things I really don't want to keep and lightening the load a little bit more ... both in the closet and off my shoulders.

The whole continuity of this makes me wonder if maybe next year I will feel compelled to post about this again, and I can't help but wonder how much better it will be - fewer and smaller clothes for sure - but also a clearer brain and a lighter heart. It's good to know I'm making progress, and that maybe someday there won't even be a link between the size of my jeans and the mental hurdles I put myself through. I can hardly wait!

Hiking Boots

2010-04-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to plan much ahead, and I've always been intimidated by goals and, I suppose, the fear of failing to meet them. I know I have written before of how I disparaged of ever 'knowing what I will be when I grow up' and envied the far sightedness of my siblings as they worked towards their respective careers. But I think I've turned another corner and realized something.

The morning was typical, including a post holiday cleaning of the kitchen; carefully washing and drying my grandmother's good sliver and crystal, loading the dishwasher with my mother's ironstone plates, and giving everything a good wiping down before heading to the gym.

Audio book in ears and a good workout later I changed into jeans and hiking boots to take the little dog for a walk. So, okay, this is another disjointed and rambling post, but that's how my brain has been of late - if 'of late' can mean a span of 30 or 40 years... - anyway I digress (duh!) We have a shoot coming up in May where the hiking is fierce (Redding) and proper footwear is paramount. But the last couple of archery tournaments we hiked I noticed that my feet were overly tired, and realized my boots are probably about 6 years old. Yikes! But not to despair, I do have a back up pair that I bought in Watkins Glen back in 2004 while slogging through the thick muddy trails at Nationals that year. But they are high tops, and heavy, and a little thicker and stiffer than I would like. They are also what I have and I can't really justify going out and getting something new, so for once I am thinking ahead and have decided to start wearing them everyday to break them in. Well, to be more precise, to break ME in, and give myself the chance to get use to them.

Which brings me around to the point I started thinking about on my walk with Kaylee. Maybe for me it's not about setting a goal and figuring out how to reach it. Maybe for me it's about giving myself a chance to become accustomed to the new 'weight' of what it is I want to do. I know I have been doing this with my eating, working each day to eat for nutrition (that being said I had a ham and tomato sandwich for lunch, but I am human!) and becoming accustomed to more veggies and less processed grain as a way of life. And I do it with exercise, finding something each day to break a sweat or suffer the consequences of sleeping badly, and I think now it's time to do it with work. Just like other facets of my life, I don't have to do it perfectly, or have some magnificent goal (think lake house) I just need to get my toes wet, and become accustomed to the work so that I get into the habit of doing it. Like being able to walk 2 treadmill miles or breaking in hiking boots so I won't end up with blisters or a charlie horse in my calf.

I had a bit of a conversation with a friend yesterday, who said, "I didn't know you were looking for a job, I'll keep my eyes open." And I realized later that evening that the reason she didn't know, is that I don't want a job. I have work to do, I just haven't been doing it. I remember blogging a bit ago that I was going to write everyday, and I haven't been doing that. So that is the first thing, get in the habit of writing. Sharing the great products that I've been using is the 2nd thing, so I need to update my Core4 blog and post the link. WAIT A MINUTE! So did I really just write that? I need to write each day and I need to update my Core4 blog. I know it isn't exactly the same thing, but close enough. Certainly part of my daily writing can be about my Core4 experience. And it's not just Core4 anymore, it's as much about the Xyng now too.

So today I will start getting use to the idea of working each day, that is better than putting if off until I can do it perfectly. And I want to digress yet again to thank some unknown DNA contributor for THAT lovely little gene; there should be a pill to treat for perfectionism. But I suppose action is that pill, and I'm thinking that I might be ready to take it.

So a thought can lead to a revolution; funny how there is never anything new, just new people learning the same things over and over and in many different ways.

Kale and peppers and rice, oh my

2010-03-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

Today's lunch was a wonderful concoction of crunch and chew, made perfect by the sweet tang of a homemade slaw type dressing. I was out of lettuce and needed my daily raw veggies so just made my chopped salad without the lettuce greens. Carrots, orange peppers, green onion and kale all chopped and thrown in my wooden salad bowl. Half a cup of brown rice and 1T of sunflower seeds and the salad was done. Two dates soaked in ac vinegar plus 1T more of the vinegar and 1T vanilla soy milk blended up in the magic bullet made the perfect dressing. I think I'll make this again tomorrow but use walnuts instead of sunflower seeds and add in some chopped apple for a Waldorf spin. I love how there is always another way to change up a salad, plants rule!

But what I really wanted to say is about the dates. They are the cheap by the bucket ones, not the luscious medjool dates that are just too expensive right now, and they tend to be drier and leaner and harder to chop and blend. So I have discovered that keeping a few of them soaking in vinegar in the fridge softens them up so they will blend easier to make dressings sweet. See how creamy the dressing sits on top of the salad before I tossed it all together? It looked like regular coleslaw dressing and was just as good, but I like to think that the date has fiber and micro nutrients that the honey or sugar of a regular slaw dressing lacks. And I do use them in moderation, just one or two depending on how sweet I want the dressing.

I remember how when I first started eating for nutrition and making green smoothies in the morning these dates were my best friend, and a couple always found there way into the blender. Now that my taste buds have adjusted to the greens I rarely use them in the smoothies anymore, but they make a huge difference in the wonderfulness factor of home made salad dressings. I don't often use them together with the vanilla soy milk like I did today, but sometimes you just need that extra comfort factor, and this simple little dressing really does the trick for me.

And I'm thinking I need to soak some of the dates in the soy milk so that they are ready for me to use when I finally get around to dropping by the store for some bananas so I can use them to sweeten a green banana shake :)

I wonder how long that big bucket of dates is going to last, I'm thinking I should freeze some...

Comfy jeans and pink trees

2010-03-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

We drove down to an archery shoot in the middle of nowhere yesterday, and to get there in time we had planned to get up at 6 and leave by 6:30. I knew it would feel like an early start with daylight savings kicking in, but we had packed up our gear and loaded up the car the night before, and I had done my showering just before bed. I had also mentally laid out what I would wear and allotted myself time in the morning to blend up a green smoothie to take in the car for breakfast. On these types of mornings I treat myself to a muffin or biscuit from Mickey D's; I know my honey will be driving through for his breakfast and that I will be walking off the calories in short order.

What I didn't count on was that the jeans I was planning to wear were in the laundry. So there I was this morning frantically trying to figure out what to wear and no time to do it. I did have one pair of jeans that almost fit - they were snug standing up but that would work since we were going to be hiking the range all day. I would just have to unzip them for the drive; they were so old the waist was high enough to strangle me if I wasn't careful. So I pulled them on and was relieved to find they weren't as tight as they had been when I tried them on before the Vegas trip in February, I was even able to tie my boots with them zipped up. In the mad dash to get ready I didn't think about it much more until we had been been on the freeway driving south for about half an hour when all of a sudden I realized that my jeans were still zipped up and NOT tight! I was downright comfortable! I slipped my thumb under my waistband and while there was not extra room, there was also no binding. My first thought was to wish I had weighed in before dressing, but the immediate second thought was to be glad I hadn't. I am staying off the scale for a bit because I am tired of the games I play with the numbers I see. Instead I am focusing on positive physical results in an attempt change my mindset, and what better sign than comfy jeans that were too tight a month ago!

Another half hour of driving brought us to a rolling orchard of wonderfully pink blooming fruit trees, set against the lush green of the foothills they were nestled against. We have had so much more rain than usual here in central California this year; we don't normally see extended periods of green hills, let alone ones that are so lush they look to be covered with velvet. And I don't normally drive south in the spring either. So there we were driving by this gorgeous scene that I've never had the grace to see before and me with no camera. I am so tempted to spend the gas today retracing yesterday's steps so I can get a camera shot. If I were working there would be no question about spending the money, but then again, if I were working I wouldn't be able to just take off from work to go take a picture. I'm having a hard time figuring this one out, so instead I will just keep that beautiful picture in my mind to cheer my day until either action or lack thereof decides the issue.

What ever I decide to do, it's nice to know I now have a larger pool of jeans to choose from to wear doing it!

Judgement

2010-03-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

I was treadmill walking this morning, reaching deep for motivation to keep going because I was doing too good a job of rationalizing away to myself at why a mile and a half was good enough. And in my desperation I began to listen to my ego. I know that we have at our core a need for self preservation, and I believed it when I read that the ego was born as a means to support survival instinct. So I found myself listening to my ego as I walked - I'm going faster than that person, I have better form than this one, and why is that lady even here she is going so slow??? Look at me how my shoulders are down and relaxed, my stomach pulled in tight and my breathing steady through my nose as I clip along at a decent incline and pace; look at me and how perfectly I walk!

I caught myself rather quickly, reminding my ever so nasty ego that everyone has a story, that everyone is doing the best they can, and that the person behind me is finding fault with my big butt, my choice of shoes, and pitying me for my mop of hair that had been quickly swooshed back into a clip this morning just as surely as I am judging those in front of me. We all do it, we judge ourselves by looking outside of ourselves to compare what we are with what someone else is instead of rating ourselves against our own inner divine standards. This is the ego at it's worst. I guess really I should say this is MY ego at it's worst, because I can't really speak for anyone else. Well, I can, but I shouldn't.

So instead of looking outwards I began to focus my attention inwards towards the athlete I once was and will be again. Inwards to where I keep a fortress of knowledge and where friends are cheering me on and rooting for me to succeed. Inwards to where I am good and pure and wholesome and healthy and from where all things wonderful are born. And when I looked up the last half mile was gone and I punched the cool down button with a vengence! Ha! Take that!

So of course I had to come home and brag about not giving up, because last night I did give up, and I fell headfirst into a package of cookies. This is not unusual behavior on a day that began with cold pizza. So all of my good intentions to excuse my breakfast choice yesterday aside - NO MORE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST ...lol, at least for a while.

I have shorts I want to fit into this summer, and in remembering that I want to share a line from a PT buddy that I found inspiring this moring, "You can have either excuses or results; not both." Amen.

Cold Pizza

2010-03-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

There is hunger, which a 'normal' person satisfies by eating, and then there is eating, which a food addict does to satisfy...something. God knows what. Some say it's to fill the bottomless pit that lives like a raging monster inside them, never happy and always brimming with need. Others explain it's to dampen the feelings that are threatening to overwhelm them. And while I have been both places, stuffing myself until miserable to do one or the other, most of the time for me it's now simply about opportunity meeting weakness. This morning there might have been a little habit thrown in the mix to make the perfect trifecta of temptation.

Mindless eating to fill a void, mindful eating to purposefully change how you feel - these are things I understand, and I have worked hard to make them a thing of the past. Nutrition and exercise go a long way towards banishing them from MY kingdom. But this morning was a little different, and I found myself getting cold pizza out of the box for breakfast. Typically I break my fast with herbal tea first, then fruit either by itself or blended in a green smoothie. I know this is the best way to start my day, and goes miles towards avoiding the pitfalls of bad choices later in the day. Throw in some Omega 3's to ward against depression and I'm good.

One might think from reading thus far that I was binging this morning; standing in front of the refrigerator and stuffing big fat slices of pizza down my throat, but it wasn't like that. Not at all. So why did having two petite slices of a small cheese-less vegetarian pizza prompt me to sit down and write about food addiction? Hey, I even put them on a plate and carried that small plate to the computer desk where I sat down and savored each yummy bite of my cold, chewy, spicy pizza - which is now sitting in my stomach like a lead ball I might add. That would be the wheat crust - grains and I don't get along so well anymore but that's another story, as is the one about how real food doesn't make me feel heavy like this.

So why write? I think at first it was to rationalize away why I made such a bad choice, but really it wasn't so I think it was about how reactionary it all was. I woke up this morning, went into the kitchen to put water on to boil for my tea, saw the empty pizza box on the counter and before you could say Jack Spratt I had the box out and pizza on a plate. There was a tiny bit of me that carefully chose the two small pieces as 'plenty' and there was even the observer in me noting that I was on autopilot and not actively choosing to have pizza for breakfast. But it wasn't enough to stop me, it wasn't enough to think rationally about having the pizza later for lunch or dinner. And I think that is why I am writing this morning, trying to figure out why I didn't stop and think. Maybe there isn't anything to figure out. I love pizza, and cold pizza in the morning with a cup of hot sweet coffee is best of all. Since I no longer do coffee, naturally sweet pomegranate herbal tea sufficed, but I think it was just ... a bad habit temporarily taking over my ship of good intentions. And I don't like that. I want to be the captain. I want to decide what I am eating at all times. I wanted to be able to stand there and think it out. Something along the lines of, "I could eat this pizza now and feel heavy and slow this morning and risk a low sugar episode in an hour or so which might cause me to overeat to compensate for being light headed and needy, or I could wait and have the pizza for lunch with a salad so it all digests better and I can walk it off right away." If I can have that conversation with myself now, what was keeping me from having it in the kitchen at 6:15am?

Yes, I know, I come from a compulsive family. And I love pizza. And for years upon years I have been eating cold pizza for breakfast. For sixteen years I worked at my In-Laws pizza parlour and there was an endless supply of mistakes to bring home and tuck in the fridge. "Waste not want not" my MIL taught me. Which works well for a successful restaurant, but for a successful waste line ... not so much. So I developed a habit. A pretty bad one, but still just a habit - something that can be broken.

So now that I have thought it out, I think the real reason I had to sit and write was all about the guilt. It didn't matter that what I ate wasn't really that horrible. It didn't matter that I ate a sensible portion. What mattered was that I felt like I had done something wrong, and our feelings are all we really have, right? Everything else is external, but we have to live with our feelings - at least those of us who have learned not to suppress them with chocolate cake. So out of guilt I sat down to confess my sins only to find I hadn't committed any. I think that while I haven't broken that old habit, my new ones were able to contain the damage. I acted out an old ritual with an old friend, but even on autopilot I chose the healthier pizza (oh yes, there were rich cheesy slices of a combo in there too) and I chose an appropriate portion, and I didn't stuff my face standing up - I went and sat down in front of the computer like a normal person.

So after all is said and done, no apologies to the universe after all, just kudo's to me for being able to enjoy my cold pizza for breakfast because the recriminations came later and were dealt with in a just and timely manner here, and they didn't ruin one bite of my spicy little breakfast.

Days of Salt & Butter

2010-03-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

I would much rather have had days of wine and roses, but that's not how it's working. On my birthday I bought a small pack of butter, 2 cubes, because I wanted a baked potato with butter - hey, it's been a while! But I had also picked us up a box of flax crackers earlier in the week, and there was popcorn in the cupboard for emergencies; these things are okay to have in the house by themselves but not when there is butter in the house. And it gets worse, the friend I walk with was having a "PB&J" lunch week and went on about how great it was while walking one evening. Sort of like if you were in AA and a friend was extolling the virtues of their favorite tequila. So I had picked up small jars of natural PB and fruit only jam so I could scratch that itch too (since it was my birthday.) This past BD is about to be the death of all my good intentions this week!! Eating yourself to death is not a good way to celebrate life. I haven't binged, but I have been replacing healthy meals and calories with empty and harmful ones. Gross. And I feel awful. And this morning I was going to get back to my green smoothie for breakfast, but was up at 3am watching a movie cuz I couldn't sleep, and then farmed online for a bit before heading back to sleep. Waking up groggy and irritable after 9am did not make for good decision making; almond milk and cheerios, ugh. I wish I could keep a clean kitchen, but my honey has the right to eat what he wants.

I hate that it only took a couple of days for my positive intentions to turn into a whine fest about bad choices. This is crap and has to stop NOW.

We are heading out to the early matinee to see Alice (whoo hoo) and yes, I will have a bag of popcorn, regular size, and yes I will count the calories as lunch - another meal empty of nutrition - and then order a salad if we actually go out to lunch afterwards. As soon as we get back home I will change and head to the gym to burn off 300 calories to offset the damage. It will be worth it - munching on popcorn in a dark theater is a pleasure I don't wish to give up, nor should I have to give up - I have a plan and it's all good.

The weather has been holding and I've been shooting each day which feels great. We'll head up to our local archery club and range to field tune our bows one day soon; I'm looking forward to the hiking after a season of shooting in the driveway and competitions indoors.

Move more, eat less doesn't quite cut it, how about, move fun, eat nutritionally! Off to a fun day and a super healthy dinner.

Writing makes me thin....

2010-03-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

I love it. I added a heart to the begining of my blog title, and now when I log on to write I see, "Writing helps me thin...", which my brain immediately translated and I read as "Writing makes me thin...". Already positive thinking is making a difference, what a great little message from the universe to cheer me on this morning! And no, I don't want to be thin, it's not going to happen nor would I want it to. I'm a tomboy, with lots of muscles, and a woman with an hourglass figure no matter how big or small I get. My goal is to move well with lots of comfort and energy - ok, and wearing cute jeans and feeling sexy would be a great plus too -. Anyone who has run to catch an airplane or struggled to sit with their legs crossed or tie their shoes knows exactly what I mean about moving well. Beyond that I want to be a better archer, which means having a strong back, legs, arms, core .... lol, archery is definitely an 'all over' sport! And the mind is probably the most important 'muscle' involved, so practicing positive thinking can only help me there too.

But this morning I am thinking about hiking, and about the archery shoot in Redding coming up in June. It's a fierce set of trails, climbing up for generous views of the beautifully forested hills that surround the range. This is a picture I took back in 2000, and each year I look forward to getting to the top of the range and gazing out over this special part of my world...this year I would like to do it without gasping for breath and leaning on my legs to keep them from buckling under me!

Just a quick recap, last year was my first time back to this shoot after a 4 year hiatus. I'm down another 10#'s this year, as I have been the last 3 years in a row, and as always my expectations are a little unrealistic. Even those in great shape are breathing hard when they get to the top of this trail, so another 10#'s gone when I still have 40 left to lose isn't going to make much difference. But this year I have the gym to help get in shape. I'm already treadmill walking on an incline, and today I am going to add strength training for my legs. My vision is of me arriving at the top of this trail a little winded, but standing tall and not panting and looking like someone should call the paramedics! I'm thinking this is a totally realistic goal, and it comes with a cool visual too which will help me keep me focused.

A quick note on goals - I've never good at setting big goals, and I've always felt a little guilty about that. Yes, I have a vision board, and I've written a letter to the universe asking for what I want. But now that I am getting older and wiser (?) I've realized that for me it's more about the small day to day consistencies, and how those will bring me closer to the bigger goals. You know the concept of an economic trickle down effect? (Ha!) Well, it's like that in reverse for me. Focusing on the small important parts of taking care of myself each day causes bigger and better things to happen outside of myself - small positive consistant changes trickling up from my core to make a positive difference in everything else that I want to achieve. So my really big little goal is to treat my body like the temple that it is.

Oops, gotta run, the sun is peeking out and my bow is calling my name! I'm really meandering all over the place today anyway, and my delicioso green smoothie (ingredients on PEERtrainer) is gone, so I'm outta here! lol, lucky you.

Spring Cometh

2010-03-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

And with it all the hopes and positive energy of a new year. It always amazes me that I stray so far from my writing; it gives me such energy and helps me focus on ... living. I believe in creating positive energy cycles, yet haven't created any. I believe in the power of positive thinking, yet let my mind wander to dark places I would rather avoid. How do people sustain their rhythms of 'everyday life', where do they find their motivation to keep doing the same things over and over in a positive way? I have discovered some truths about myself; I wouldn't call myself manic depressive, although that is a temptingly easy sound bite, I am afraid it is more about the fact that without specific purpose, I tend to be lazy. What a schmuck I can be, and what an awful way to think of myself when I know I am a hard worker and a caring person underneath all this ... this ... idiocy!

I almost rode my bike to the nearby 7-11 to get the Sunday paper. I almost went to the gym to walk yesterday. Disgusting. BUT, a good friend - let's call her Lynneta - pointed me towards a blog she finds inspiring, and from there I linked to another blog by two girls who are going to spend the next year working together to omit 'binging' from their lives. And in those two blogs I found a spark of inspiration for myself from some people who are using the power of intention to accomplish great things. Specifically, I am inspired once again to find that same power within myself. I know it's all there inside me. I know I am a fighter despite the skirmishes lost, just as I know I am an athlete despite the wiggle in my arms.

I am healthier and stronger and lighter in body than I was when I started this blog. I am also healthier, lighter and stronger in mind than I was back then. It is time to build on that, it is time to bring a little bit more positive energy into my journey. For one last time I am going to copy my original blog description here, and then I am going to change it - it's time to be more positive. It just is.

"I am attempting to feel connected to a world gone wrong, and trying to rebuild a life I find hard to understand. Part of this process is searching for divinity while eating for nutrition. Recipes, information I've found helpful, weather reports,and occasional unflattering dips into my pity pool may appear upon occasion."

So, things to focus on. Writing. I love to write, I need to do it everyday whether here or working on a story. It feeds my soul, it's good for me, so I am going to write everyday. And walking. I have a friend who shares her gym membership with me since I am without work at the moment - how generous is that??? I will take better advantage of this privilege and go work out several times a week on my time while still walking with her on her time; I should have been doing this for months instead of wallowing in my pity pool over the holiday season. Craziness. And archery. My honey got me a new bow last year and I will be out in the driveway shooting everyday there is a sunny spot for me to stand. Okay, cloudy days too, just not the storming ones; fair weather shooting is allowed in your fifth decade ... I just decided!

Writing, walking, shooting. I guess that's me, those are the things that came to mind just now. Despite my addiction to computer games I never once thought - how can I make more time for digital farming! Despite the great products I use, and can sell to others, I never thought how can I build a successful business. I thought of writing, and exercise, and shooting my bow. I believe if I do those things to bring some joy and balance to my life the rest will all fall into place. I believe. Wow. I do believe. After everything, that is good to know.

Despite all Appearances to the contrary, I am trying

2009-09-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Fall is here, the autumnal equinox marking the turn of the earth and way we face the sun as we continue our journey around and around and around. Going in circles is a way of life for us, our internal clocks set to a pattern outside of our control. And that is how I view my life sometimes, just repeating endless circles that go nowhere and eat up time as I wait for whatever is next because I have no control. That is the lie that I feel when I am down, when the dirty dishes stack up on the kitchen counter and the lawn hasn't been watered in months - the dry gold of it's dead expanse shining in the afternoon sun as it lay there lifeless, neglected beyond repair, a golden slap against my cheek every time I look out into the back yard and wonder why I let it go. Wonder why I have let everything go, the positive attitude that I had so carefully cultivated gone hiding, overwhelmed by the emotions that have crept in over the Summer. Slowly but surely snuffing out the bright little lights of optimism I had planted, sadness spreads like weeds darkening everything.

AND YET, I am trying. I am making my green smoothies in the morning, I am walking the dog almost everyday for 30 minutes, I am paying the bills with my ever dwindling IRA funds. But this is about keeping my head above water, and I need to look farther ahead than that. I need to quit treading water and get my feet out on the sand. And I will, in October I think. Because this month is just too hard. So I have given myself permission to grieve a little this week, and just as we know thoughts are things, as soon as I did that I was overwhelmed by emotions. But it is just a circle, and I know that letting myself feel the grief and sadness for a few days will leave me drained and empty and full of space that I can fill up with goals and plans and hard work to get on with things.

Tomorrow is Joey's birthday, the day he will never be 26, and for now I am not okay. Thank heavens it is just the way I feel at this moment, and I will not despair because I know I will wake up ready to greet life again in just a few days. I am trying.

National Senior Games :: A Gold Medal and More

2009-08-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for this sport of archery that I love, but that comes later in the story.

Standing in the Stanford Stadium early Saturday morning, looking out at the row of pristine targets, I was filled with gladness and high expectations. Archers were everywhere unpacking equipment, setting up chairs, lining up their spotting scopes; everyone seemingly imbued with the same festival atmosphere that I was feeling. There were low clouds and a bit of dampness in the air, but that was so much better than the small buffeting gusts of wind that had plagued us in practice on Friday that I welcomed the coolness of the morning snug in the comfort of my sweater. It wasn't to last long, the sun piercing through hot and bright just as we finished up our two practice ends at 60 yards, just in time to change my perspective and make the first official end really challenging in the changed light. I am sorry to say I didn't live up to that challenge, shooting five 9's and taking a blow to my confidence all in under four minutes. Speaking of which, we lost our '30 second flag girl' after the first couple of ends because as a group we weren't even coming close to the five minutes allotted for shooting each end; fine at the time but this would come back to bite me in the persistent winds at 40 yards later in the day. (One gentleman pointed out that there was this huge million dollar electric board in front of us that they could have used, but I'm guessing that's more than the tournament could afford.)

There were only three women in my 50 - 54 group, but they mixed us up alphabetically with the compound men; I started on target 1 and Harry was just next door at target 2 with my main competition. While I didn't have a stellar performance, I stayed focused on making good shots and trying to stay calm; for anyone who knows me you will understand how happy I was just to not shoot the wrong target at any point during the weekend! The wind picked up with each passing hour and the ends at 50 yards passed quickly. I shot my first 60 of the day and started to relax a little bit as we headed into the last round at 40 yards. I started and ended that round with 57's which pissed me off but oh well. Shooting at tournaments is so different than standing out on our practice range and being surrounded by beautiful trees and hearing jays and hawks crying out. But I tried very hard to bring my best to each shot, reminding myself over and over that I just need to make one good shot at a time. Isn't that what we all tell each other, what we all strive for in this game?

We all think we can shoot better than we do and I think that is a good thing, so it was okay that I came away from the first day a little disappointed with my scores but pleased to be up by 18 points heading into day two.

Sunday began much the same way as Saturday, except Mr. Sun made his appearance earlier so our eyes were accustomed to the light when the official ends began. Despite the better light my score at the end of 60 yards was worse than the day before and I was just a little irritated. There were only the three of us in our age group on our target that day, shooting against just our competition, and I felt the pressure. I knew I could come away with Gold if I could just stay consistent and not make any fool errors, but there is always that little voice that pesters me with doubt. Then at 40 yards the wind was pestering us all something awful. I would let down and wait for the gust to pass, pull back and aim, and get pushed by the wind yet again. Think about this for a moment, the flags at the targets could be streaming towards you, the flags mid-field pointing East, and still you could feel the wind at your back as you look up to the top of the stadium where the flags were whipping out to the West. Of course this is an extreme example, but the point is that there was no rhyme or reason to the gusts, they just sailed in over the edge of the stadium and came swooping down to play havoc before disappearing just as suddenly. So patience was the game, let down and wait knowing you would have a better shot in just a minute. It felt like we were pulling back twice for each arrow shot and those five minutes we had were getting eaten up pretty fast doing this; remember we had no 30 second timer so it became a little stressful. And then something wonderful happened. I looked around, and just felt the gratitude pouring up from my heart that I was here, that I was healthy and could shoot, that it was a beautiful day, and I realized that the wind was just a part of it all. I reached deep and used that energy to carry me through the rest of the round, really connecting with the target and able to 'feel' the magic that can come with aiming when you are really focused and truly just living in the moment.

This would be a good place to mention that Harry shot really well, breaking the record in his age group and coming away with Gold too. He had to really buckle down and finish with two perfect ends to do it, and I'm really proud of him. Final Scores: Harry - 1762, Me - 1710

Was it my best score? No. Was I happy with my shooting? Yes. Did my eyes tear up when they started playing the Olympic music? Of course. And when my competition leaned over from her place on the podium at Silver to whisper, "Lets raise our hands and wave like they do at the Olympics" I was all for it, smiling from ear to ear and feeling like a kid despite being just a silly 'young' woman at the Geezer Games as I raised my arms up and waved to the cheering crowd up in the stands.

Me and Kaylee on a morning walk

2009-07-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

I love my morning walks with Kaylee. She runs off thrilled with all of the wonderful stink of the waterways, darting back to make sure I am still there then running off to follow yet another trail. This is her sniffing her way along the bottoms, where I am walking in a soft silt that is usually covered with water and reeds. We are in our 3rd or 4th year of 'drought' conditions here, leaving this special little niche for us to peruse at our leisure. And not just us, this circle is the handiwork of a dirt bike that has come to play and left a perfect donut - how fun it would have been to see that, I can just imagine. There are also figure 8's drawn nearby in the earth; what a good time they had. As I hike up out of the ravine the view at the top is breathtaking. So much so that I forgot to take a picture. Large majectic live oaks spreading green branches before the back drop of light golden hills that the sun has just reached for the first time that morning. It's been cloudy and the foothills beyond are still dark, but this one set of low hills just gleams a brilliant welcome and I reach my hands up high to the sky and stretch back in a yoga morning pose. Breathing deeply, feeling the softness of my stomach expand and contract a few times before the headiness of it all overwhelms me and vertigo sets in. Back up straight I take a few minutes to really absorb all I am seeing, taking the time to let it all sink in before heading back home, back across the asphalt to the tract homes. As I put Kaylee back on her leash and head home I am filled with the joy of this earth, this world, and so grateful that I am a part of it .

Cal Cup Archery Tournament

2009-07-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am so happy with this beautiful little bowl! This is the 2nd place trophy I brought home from a weekend of shooting up in Sacramento. Two years ago my honey brought home his own 2nd place bowl, and last year he won his gold match for the 1st place bowl on the left in the next picture. These are hand made by an archer, and it feels so good to add my own bowl to our little collection. I love the wood, the colours, the shape, the pattern of it all - they are just wonderful. But I have to say that as much as I loved placing 2nd, it was the group of women I was shooting with that made my weekend so fun. Some good competition is always good for one's own performance, and their cheery attitude was a joy to be around.

There are only 3 weeks left until the National Senior games that we are training for, to be held in Palo Alto the first weekend in August. I have been shooting almost every day preparing for this event, and I know from the online listings of registrants that I will have some competition there. Only 3 of us so far, but that is better than winning by default because you are the only one in your age bracket! It's so ridiculous that I am even qualified to shoot in a 'senior' event, but the reality is that I am in my 50's. I still feel young in so many ways, and I know that if I would take the time to add some yoga to my exercise regime my stiff hips would loosen up - that is about the only time I feel my age, when I have been sitting for too long curled up and stand too quickly. I imagine that as I lose more weight that will help get rid of this particular problem too. But I digress. My archery has gone a long way to restoring my sanity this past year. I started shooting this past October, when I had to shoot if I was going to qualify for the upcoming games. But some small spark of my old competative nature took hold that day, and each passing month I have become more and more serious about my shooting. Letting my honey help me with my form, trying to listen and adjust to become a better shooter. All with the goal of shooting one good arrow at a time.

And I can't help but see the analagy of how this sums up how I want to live my life; one good moment at a time, leading to one good day at a time, and within those moments and days building back this life into a new healthier shape. I've never before felt like this was something I had any control over, this forming of a life, nor did I ever want control I think. It took me years to accept that I didn't have to have the same type of motivation and ambition that my siblings had, to learn that maybe it's better to just let leaves lay where they fell and live a life that was 'meant' to be. But I think I am doing a little poking around with a rake now, and making little decisions to tweak my path. I love the part of 'Eat Pray Love' where Liz (author Elizabeth Gilbert) is explaining to her friend that when she prays she asks for the strength and fortitude to accept whatever is coming her way. Her friend says something like, whatever gave you that crazy idea? You are a part of this world, a constituant, and you have the right to petition the universe for what you want! I just loved this, because like Liz, I just ever asked for the strength to 'accept what I cannot change and courage to accept the rest.' I think I picked that up from years of Alanon meeting living with alcoholics and addicts, but do I really believe in that particular prayer now? I don't think so. I think we DO have the right to ask for change, to have a say in our universe. So the tone and focus of my prayers have changed, I just need to say them more often ;)

How did I get from archery to prayer? I sometimes have to laugh at the way I meander all over the place, but I know we all do that. And between those two things was the mantra I used a dozen times over the course of the weekend to refocus and steady my breathing, "Hum Sa"(I am that (God)), giving me a place of calm to quiet my thoughts, and focus on the center of the target that was 70 meters away. To bring in oxygen to fee the muscles I needed to make one good shot after another. Not of course that they were all good. At the end of the first day I was down by 30 points to my main competition. But I beat my personal best score by 19 points I think, and at the end of the day I was only down 21 points from the State record. Definitely something to shoot for ;)

So that's where I've been, busy shooting and walking my little dog and even doing push ups to build my upper body strength for pulling arrows out of the target - sometimes a really hard thing to do! I see myself just doing more and more of the same as these final weeks play out, and while I should be focusing on earning a living, instead I am focusing on being happy and working on shooting better. After Nationals will be soon enough to worry about paying the mortgage :)

Another Walk, another Thought

2009-05-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

As a child I fell in love with Pollyanna, and wanted to be just like her. I was already a good girl and to 'meet' her was like finding a kindred spirit; okay, maybe I had a little girl crush on her - it was Haley Mills after all. But that 'goodness' developed into something else as I grew older. Even as I pointed out silver linings and saw the good in people and things and situations, I knew that I was acting the devil's advocate and that my comments were sure to prompt a disagreeable view from someone else, along with their praise that I was so generous in my view - thereby making me the better person, one I could feel good about. How sad for me. And in noticing this I also noticed that my smugness begat pride, and wasn't that one of the seven deadly sins? So even knowing I was a good person, I also knew that I wasn't, that I had this dark side to my character - a deadly flaw - which meant I wasn't really a good person, I just knew how to act like one. Which brings me to my grandmother, who apparently saw right through me even as a child.

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions"

How often did my grandmother say this to me? For sure every time I spoke about losing weight or not biting my nails. And I resented it, each time I heard it I felt the criticism, and was offended that my dear sweet Mommer would tell me, in essence, that I was going to Hell. Now that I am in my fifties and ready to be a student I see it for the truism that it is. But now I see it through the words of Elizabeth Gilbert (yes, I'm still going on about that) and the tale of her Indonesian Medicine Man who pointed out that Heaven and Hell are the same place, but we choose which way to get there, up or down; and it is in that choosing that we create heaven or hell on earth. Each time a good intention comes along there is also a signpost with our choices pointing in different directions; to act or not to act, to create a paver on our road to hell or a stepping stone towards heaven. So my grandmother was right, and each time I had a good intention, but chose the road where I didn't act, I was paving my way to hell, one choice at a time. How awful! I am so ashamed now of all the opportunities I didn't take advantage of, but in my new frame of mind even that shame is a fleeting notion and I have forgiven myself.

And I do have a big intention in my life right now; to be strong and healthy and prepared at the senior games in August. I've been training for a while, and 'trying' to lose weight, but now I see this in a new light, and I think it's time to test if I can indeed choose the sign pointing up and create a little bit of heaven in my life.

As I tag this entry, I realize that I might need to combine categories, because each time I click on 'dare I say religion' I also click on 'Positive Thinking' and 'Self Discovery'. How many times will I do this before I accept that those are all really the same thing :)

Walking & Thinking

2009-05-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

<- While my walk starts in the suburbs, in 10 minutes I am out to what I call my Marshlands.

Walking Kaylee this morning I found myself thinking and turned off the audio book that I have been struggling to finish (too droll....) I think it is a great sign of mental health that I am able to do this, that I can let myself think instead of hiding behind the words of another. I was thinking about archery, and the shoot yesterday. Despite the heat it was a wonderful day and we had the pleasure of shooting with a gentleman who admired our prowess and asked lots of questions. How flattering :) Anyway, I was having a particularly good day of shooting, and it was fun to share a little of what I've learned from my partner who is the much better archer. And one of the important facets of 'the shot' is that when you are aiming you can't be doing anything else. You really have to be in the moment, and if you're not it's time to let down and regroup and restart your shot. This speaks to everything I have been learning about life and how we should be living in the moment, and walking this morning I really started to think about it retrospectively. If when I was raising children, the only true thing was that moment, and I was doing the best I could, then that has to be the valid point about that time. I know I spent a lot of time in recent years questioning myself with all of the 'what if' and 'if only I' thoughts that we torture ourselves with, and in my journey through the valley of grief I think those were a little necessary so that I could get to where I am today. Which is understanding that I need to respect the feelings and decisions of the me that was present then. I need to trust that I was doing exactly what I was suppose to be doing then, that the feelings were real and the decisions I made because I trusted my feelings were the right ones for me in that time and place. I don't think I could have gotten here (if I really am) without a thought from - yes, again - Eat Pray Love where she points out that God is not only in us, but living and experiencing life through us as exactly who we are. That 'he' is not interested in us trying be someone else, but only just exactly who we are. Because then he gets one special and unique experience. So here I am now, trusting in me back then, because I do remember trying to 'follow my heart' as I use to say. And that is the advice I give my daughter now that she is a mother too. And I'm hoping that she will understand better and sooner that those feelings, that following of the heart, is everything. It's living in the moment, being true to yourself one small experience at a time, that builds a special and unique life experience. So I think I am done berating myself for not having done a better job raising my son. Yes, hindsight shows me specific mistakes I wish I hadn't made, but I need to expand this new found understanding to all the moments in my life, maybe especially those. From this will come forgiveness, maybe not today, but I know I am on the right path towards that end ... because I am learning to trust my feelings, and I'm following my heart in this moment. Rereading this I realize a hard truth, I wasn't always following my heart, there were times I was 'trying to do the right thing' because I didn't trust myself, and I guess those are the moments I regret. But still - I need to fall back on the part that I trust I was doing the best I could in that moment, that even if I wasn't trusting myself I was trusting someone else. Grrrr, so I prove a point and lose a bit of ground all at the same time. But still on a path forward, and most important - lesson learned! Trust my feelings, trust I am exactly who I am suppose to be, and listen to my heart because that's where God lives.

Brix, St Helena CA

2009-05-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

What a lovely afternoon! Friends invited us to meet them for lunch in the Napa Valley, and while still trying to catch up from being away from home so much lately we love the area and have fond memories of wonderful lunches together at the V.Sattui winery where we were to meet them. As it turns out we ended up at the BRIX restaurant instead, our friends wanting a more formal sit down lunch than the deli at V.Sattui offers. The restaurant was picked by a friend of our friends, who had never been there but thought he had heard of the chef. What a wonderful choice! They have raised bed gardens you can see in our view from the table where some of our food was grown, and we were all more than happy with our selections. I had the heirloom bean salad with goat feta & finely julliened carrots tossed with a vinegrette. The taste I had of the mushroom, sunchoke soup with cashew cream was to die for, and the wood oven baked pizza the guys had looked and smelled amazing. I almost ordered the olive bread with hummus, but was so overwhelmed by the choices that I stuck with a salad. There was not much goat cheese, and I did supplement the small portion with some sourdough slices which were also made fresh at the restaurant. They ordered several desserts for us to share, and I had a nibble of peanut brittle and one strawberry bon bon (freshly made ice cream inside dark chocolate - OMG!) So much for no dairy or gluten, but the amounts were small and I have a wonderful minestrone full of spinach, tomatoes & peppers simmering away in the kitchen for dinner later.
One of the nicest surprises of the day was that I can actually see that I am getting smaller in the picture we took this afternoon. I knew from the clothes I was choosing from to wear this morning that I must be losing again, but to see my shoulders thinner was more than I could have hoped for upon waking this morning. Thank heavens in this economy I won't have to shop for summer clothes.

Pancake Parfum

2009-05-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

The smell of pancakes comes wafting down the hall from the kitchen, and the sweetness is perfume to my brain. I feel neurons firing and a 'coming awake' as it were. But I analyze it all, find it interesting, and move on. For a moment I regret that I am subjected to this small torment, then I remember the warmth wafting across from under the sheets last night, and I am grateful that the same someone cooking pancakes out of a propellant bottle is also the someone who loves me best in this life and is willing to warm my feet at night. So I choose to enjoy the smell, remember the warmth, and move on, thinking of the yummy blueberries that will go in my smoothie later when I am hungry.

Speaking of later, we are taking a day trip to Napa to meet friends for lunch. This will be my first visit there since ditching dairy and gluten. We are going to the winery with the awesome deli, but what I remember is lean peppered pastrami, pungent cheeses and sourdough baguettes. I am praying for salad & roasted red peppers & Sicilian olives - but no matter what the fare I will choose wisely. I did not like seeing Mr. 200 Monday after five days eating on the road and I am not going to do anything to welcome him back now that he's gone again. ...And now I feel like saying to the universe, "So There!" and sticking my tongue out. Is not it wonderful how a part of us never grows up.

Eat Pray Love

2009-05-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Eat Pray Love is a beautifully written book by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I've spent the last month listening to her melodic voice reading it. I first read the book a year ago last October while house sitting for my sister in Ventura, the nurturing vistas from her deck on the hill overlooking the bay there a perfect counterpoint to the lessons I was finding in the book. I always meant to pick up my own copy, and I will eventually, but for now I have the audio book read by the author loaded on my ipod and I am on my third time through listening to every word with wonder and hope and love. I am so in love with the words, with the way she reads them, with the wonderful things she has to share that you would think they were fresh donuts warm from the fryer and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Now to digress a bit.

It's been a crazy few weeks, first driving with my daughter and granddaughter (5 months old) on a grand tour of visits to Southern California for five days of showing off the baby to family and squeezing in a quick visit with a friend I miss terribly. Then home again and a long weekend traveling down to Fresno for the annual Safari Archery novelty shoot and hiking over boulders where native Americans use to sit and grind acorns, the holes of their work living on to tell their story. Two days home for laundry and repacking and a couple days of 'real' work and then off north to Redding and their annual Trail Shoot. Hiking and shooting and getting drenched and not giving up despite being a drowned rat with numbing fingers and barking dogs (read that as tired, sore feet.) Anyway, I am home again and just back from walking Kaylee (the wee dachshund I missed so much on all those trips) and listening to E. Gilbert's words and wanted to share the feelings of my walk.

We go several blocks north bordering the nearby golf course until we come to a pond, then we wind our way around the water until we turn East to cross over to a strip of protected land that runs along a creek that is fed from the snows in the Sierras. While somewhere I know in the back of my mind that we are on the edge of suburbia, once there I can let the wind blow around and through me, head back (lifting my heart to the world) and fingers spread wide to feel the coolness blowing by and all of a sudden it's just me on this planet as it spins through the universe. Kaylee sits close by my feet, her nose in the air too, and I wonder if she feels the same connection I do to the world at that moment. And I am so grateful for this beautiful earth we live on and the quiet I find at the end of this trail. I am surrounded by the beautiful foot hills covered in spring grasses, the taller mountains to the north dark with scrub pines, and the huge clouds plowing through the blue sky like tug boats on their way to Kansas; their bottoms dark with rain yet to fall and their tops stacked tall and thick and gleaming white in the afternoon sun. At that moment I feel so blessed, so much a part of it all, that I can even think of Joey and stay glad. At that moment I am not just there enjoying the weather, but I am also the observer watching this woman and her little dog and loving them because they are a part of me, and I am a part of them .... lol, 'and we are all together.' (Think Bono singing in Across The Universe.) When I left the house for this walk I really had to talk myself into going, telling myself that Kaylee needed the time & attention, that the exhaustion I was feeling could be ignored for her. Arriving home I am refreshed, and feel like writing for the first time in quite a while.

There is a small, very small, dark corner inside me trying to make a stand now that I am back home and the wind is no longer holding my spirits aloft. But I have a feeling I will never let it grow big again. These words I have been listening to over and over are a blessing, a benediction, a cleansing of spirit like I have never known before, and I send light to this woman for sharing a part of her life and giving me a better way to think about some important things. I am so open now to whatever is going to happen next in my life, and I think somewhere out there walking today I made a decision that it's time to be happy again. Maybe it's just another nudge in the right direction, but it feels more like turning a corner - or to be more exact, it feels like I've opened up a little inside, that I'm no longer clenched tight by grief. This is a good thing, and the freedom is lovely, and I know Joey would approve.

ps Did you figure out I am recommending her book to read?
pps Happy Cinco de Mayo

Is having an online Community healthy?

2009-04-09T07:26:00.000-07:00

I recently was at the receiving end of several scathing comments for having typed something in a public forum that was perceived as rude. I mean, several posters were so mean and critical I literally fled the scene - well, after trying to politely explain what I had previously posted. I had just been voicing my opinion honestly, in direct contrast to the OP's (original poster's) comment, but will say that in re-reading my post I did forget to insert the IMHO clause at the beginning. So why did I let them upset me? I don't really know these people, it was an anonymous thread at a weight loss support site, so why was I putting myself out there in the first place? Is this online community I have become involved with simply a commentary on how pathetic I have become? It seems to be a rather large community - and it's only one of ... thousands? millions? I see our world wide web as a way to connect, but when you don't also have a fullfilling social life is it mentally healthy? Words continuously shared without benefit of facial expression or vocal tone? Words perhaps more harsh or blunt than intended because you can be faceless? Does lack of responsibility to what we are saying distort how it is said? Well, of course. Even mild mannered me managed to piss off a few people, how on earth did that happen? I've never been intentionally rude in my life and here were several people jumping on that band wagon and pointing at me. Me! WTF! And so where do I vent about it...not to my family, or close personal friends...but to an invisible audience, because the whole thing is rather embarrassing. Or, to be more realistic, to myslef - because I am just one of , well scads, of others who type away into the universe with no response expected - so when it comes it can be a shock.

Granted, journaling is a great way to work through feelings, and typing here I feel is better than not journaling at all. But why blog, why not just type into a work document and save like I have done so often. Connection, I think. Or trying to feel connected. So many of us have made our individual worlds so small we lack the society we need. Which brings me right back around to ... how healthy is this? Wouldn't I be better served to start a bunco group, a hiking club, or just participate more in the real world? (don't EVEN get me started on reality tv...)

So, recognizing that I spend too much time here, my goal this season (spring at the moment) is to be here less , and work on a better social life where I am more sensitive about the things I have to share. Sigh, I'm guessing my thoughts will be no better received there either.

Too Many Clothes!

2009-03-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am tired of this ritual, making room for summer wear by packing away sweaters, replacing jeans with shorts in my drawers, and ousting the sweatpants so the bathing suits have a place of their own. I long for a basic wardrobe that will carry me through the year with just a few adjustments for the seasons. This is California after all, it's not like I have snow gear for winter and flowing robes for summer. I'm a jeans and tank top sort of girl, clothes shouldn't be such a chore.

Let me digress a bit. I've been doing lots of inside work - no, not dusting - the kind where you look inside to your darkest corners and flip the light on to see what you actually have hiding in there. Doubts, fears, hopes, dreams, shame, blame and all the little cracks and imperfections that make us individuals. My biggest dilema right now is figuring out how to forgive myself for all the small ways that I contributed to my son's death. For all the times I felt I failed him. For the perceived evils that lurk around his demise. I was listening to Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert this week. I had read the book while house sitting for my sister last year and fallen in love with her words and her story. And in listening to her read those words so beautifully some of them sank in a little bit, and I started thinking about the things I carry inside and what I was going to do about them.

So what on earth does this have to do with clothes? Good question, and here is my little story connecting the two. It's spring, and I would like to put on some shorts to wear while mowing the lawn. I really don't want today to be the day I lug out the cartons of summer clothes from the bottom of my closet and pack away the winter items. My Sis is coming this evening and I would rather spend my time working around the house to make it neat and cozy and welcoming. So I've just finished listening to Gilbert's book before I go to change my clothes, and all of a sudden I see this mass of material as a dead weight in my life. And it clicks - here is something I can work on. Here is a part of my life I can examine that is a whole lot easier to start with than my son's death. If I can look at this problem and solve it, then I will be ready to look at something else, and eventually I can get around to the really hard stuff.

So what do all these clothes mean? Why do I have so many things that I either don't or can't wear? The obvious answer to me is that I am constantly looking for something to make me feel smaller than a whale. Like if I can find something that fits perfectly it will make me look 50 pounds lighter. That's one thing, the other is that I save everything knowing that one day I will fit into it again and won't have to spend money shopping for clothes once I have lost weight. I think I finally threw away the 12's last year when we cleaned the garage out realizing how very outdated everything was (and falling apart) but I still have 14's, 16's & 18's in both stretch and regular sizes; my wardrobe grew as I did. Each time there was somewhere to go I would have to go find that one thing that would help me feel better about myself. Did it ever? I guess once in a while, but mostly....no. Another factor is not passing up a sale on something that I was absolutely positive was going to fit next year. I have a whole section in my closet devoted to this delusion; I'll bet I could go in there and count two dozen pretty tops that I have bought over the last several years and have never worn because they are still too small.

Time to rant for a second - if thoughts are things and I keep thinking I will fit in these things then why don't I?

Okay, so back to mucking about in my brain and heart and soul to do some dusting (ok, I lied, there is dusting involved) and figure out what to do about the clothes from the perspective of what is going to make me happy. Because that's what it's all about, isn't it? I think I need to visualize what it means for me to be happy, and what will I be wearing while I feel this way. Do I need the pretty gold tank top that would be perfect for giving a presentation or wearing under a snappy black jacket for a formal meeting? Do I see myself actually being happy doing those things? Is that me? Trust me, it's a real top and those have been the reasons for hanging on to it for about five or so years. Originally I wore it to a Christmas party with black velor pants, but I didn't really feel like me wearing it even then. So just because it's 'like new' and yes, eventually I might wear it once more, it deserves to be taking up space? I think not. And this is just one example, there are probably a thousand more stories much like it hiding in my storage bins, drawers and closet. So to get rid of these things, I need to accept why I have saved them, admit they are things I don't love, that don't represent who I am, and let them go to someone who can better use them before any more crumble from neglect in my care. And lets keep in mind the clothes are just the physical manifestation of me not feeling good about myself; ah, the real knitty gritty of the problem so to say. I've sort of lost me in all this mess. It's not so much about not really knowing who I really am, it's more about accepting who I am and embracing that instead of hiding from it. Because I do see that glimmer of me in there, it's not all doom and gloom; I use to be strong and confident and creative and helpful and athletic - I'm still all those things, I know that, I see that spark. I just need to get some kindling going (don't worry, not in the closet.)

So now I set myself this task - to set aside some time after my sister leaves to go through the clothes thinking about who I am, and what makes me happy. No pretending, no begrudging the dollars already spent, no unrealistic 'maybe if' scenarios. I saw in the mail today that there is a city-wide garage sale on June 20th, what better way to welcome in Summer! I plan on having more clothes than anyone else out in my driveway that day. And probably the biggest mental barrier to doing that - the weight thing of course. BUT...I have a sewing machine, I can alter my clothes as I lose weight. I'm eating for nutrition, and I'm back under 200 pounds, and as the weight keeps coming off I will be glad I saved a few things in smaller sizes. But the jeans I'm wearing now, my size 16 stretch, two pairs in this size would have been just fine, but I have six pairs - no more of that. I will only keep the things I really want, that I will really wear. And I will purge with a vengeance the clothes that were never really mine despite the fact I paid for them and brought them home.

Thinning out my wardrobe will be therapeutic, a winnowing of who I am, each decision in some small way bringing me closer to me. I can forgive myself for wasting so much money on these things that didn't make me happy because I know I'm not going to be like that anymore. I feel like I am on the road to being comfortable in my clothes, and that someday soon I will be able to wear the pretty tops hanging in my closet - the few I just have to keep because they sing my name. I feel like today I have made progress.

Eating for Nutrition

2009-03-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I kept my food log update throughout the week, and it was looking pretty awesome until day 5. I've been fighting a cold (1st time in four years, I should not complain) and the only way to keep the phlegm at bay was to eat. I was tired of crunching on carrots (they work best) and yearned for comfort food. So days 5 & 6 I had too many calories, which brought my average daily calories to about 1400 - right where I should be to lose weight slow and steady. Interestingly enough, my well days, where I ate for nutrition and followed the Eat to Live guidelines, I was only consuming between 1000 & 1200 calories a day; I wasn't hungry, there were no cravings, no compulsive thoughts about eating bad things. Keeping in mind my activity level is super low I was mostly okay with this, but can't help but wonder if the low calories helped instigate the Cheetos attack. Going forward I will add more beans to increase the calories. I worry about upping the protein, but the Dr. says lots of beans and legumes and I've only been eating between 1/2 & 1C each day. I can hardly wait until I can eat for nutrition combined with getting in exercise. I imagine the pounds sluicing off my frame revealing the trim athlete hiding inside.

Reboot

2009-03-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

Food log, Monday 3/16/09

Admittedly February was hard and I give myself kudos for not eating myself to death. Speaking of which, compared to death all the rest of the stress I can take in stride; I will stay positive and take care of myself. To that end today starts six weeks of eating for health. Well, yes, I have been doing that for over a year now...almost two? But I'm not making progress as fast as I would like. It averages out to ten pounds a year lost over each of the last three, but that counts the ten I gained eating after Joey crossed over. So now that I have changed a few basics I am interested in using my old tracking sheet to plan each day to see where I am calorie and percentage wise. I have guidelines I think I pretty much stick to, but obviously I am splurging more than I should. The idea is to lose more often, not just maintain! And while I say six weeks, the reality is that I will be happy if this manic mode lasts even one.

Basic changes made:
1. No more oil or store bought salad dressings. I'm making my own using nuts.
2. I'm adding in 1T of flax meal each day, and 1oz of nuts to get enough Omega 3's.
3. I have a goal of 1# of raw veggies each day, and 3-4 fruits.

I won't make myself crazy by trying to post my log everyday, but often, and at least weekly updates since my sheet tracks for weekly summaries. Yes, a little crazy...I'm tired of the dark, I'm ready for spring in more ways than one.

~ Valentines Day ~

2009-02-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

I was thinking in the shower this morning, that if indeed we choose our lives, then I must have felt I was ready for the challenges that this one would bring. At some point I must have pointed and thought, "I can do that, I'm ready for this." Sometimes I feel that strength within me, shining out and manifesting as courage. Sometimes I wonder if I have given up too much too often and not fought hard enough. But there are times like this morning when I can look from a distance and critique from a place of calm acceptance that things are as they should be. For whatever reason or lack there of. Times like this I don't need for there to be a 'big plan' or an 'evolving spiritual life' or really to know anything. Just being here is enough, for this one moment before the physical world comes barreling back in, I am all that I should be, or can be, or desire to be. I am calm, satisfied to be breathing, warm from the shower, damp..clean..wholesome. And with the calm is a sense of heaviness, and all of a sudden instead of writing words I want to be curled up with a soft blanket and my dog and reading words written by someone else - words that will take me somewhere wonderful. I have always used books as a buffer between me and the 'world'. Today is no different.

A gentle reminder to myself

2008-12-31T12:14:00.000-08:00

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s --

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Ants, ants everywhere and a little Christmas

2008-12-23T07:14:00.000-08:00

So today I was greeted by a march of ants coming down from the ceiling into the kitchen to swarm the dog dishes of food and water. Now I'm toxic from spraying and cleaning, I can feel the ants itching all over me and my eyes are weepy from the chemicals. I've taken extra Immune and given Kaylee double her dose of AIO-Canine to detox us from all the crap I sprayed. Of course Mom is coming today, I really needed this extra KP duty. At least the kitchen floor is now spotless, one chore out of the way. And I can't help but wonder....where will they appear next.

Today is about making everything neat and pretty, clearing away the debris of wrapping and empty boxes, making as much room in the house as possible. It's small and we have two overnight guests coming. Not just overnight, for several days. This is good, it will keep me busy and my focus outward instead of inward. Joey is with me all the time these days, his memory hovering around and cloaking me in a mist of regret and despair. But I know it's a cloak I will be able to throw off for part of each day as I prepare for Christmas. And as a distraction, I want to write about that for a moment - why I celebrate Christmas and what it is I think I believe this year.

Jesus was born a son of God just as each of us are. I believe he is one of many who were given the gift of divine sight and the ability to share a little of how and why we are here. Of how we can have a beautiful human experience. And within his teachings are the fundamentals I try to embrace. The ideas of creating heaven and hell on earth, the idea that through death comes rebirth - spiritual as well as physical. That we are all made of light, and can reach a place within ourselves of infinite possibility if we follow a path to enlightenment. This is why I celebrate his birth; I believe he was enlightened, and had many things to teach us about both the human and the spiritual experience. This is a season of joy and hope and love, and I revel in it. I look forward to the moment I step outside on Christmas eve, and feel the soft cold night around me, lit by sparkling stars and suffused with love.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2008-12-19T08:34:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to help a friend of my son's. He's 23 and constantly in trouble of one sort or another. Upon occasion I provide rides, or a little walking around money, or a bed for the night. But this week...I am done. I believe I have crossed the line between helping and enabling. I probably crossed that line long ago, but because of emotional ties to Joey it's hard to see or feel clearly sometimes. Anyway, after deleting the details of the morning - they are inconsequential - my eyes are finally wide open to how I am not helping him at all and I've told him NO MORE. Long story short I was out in early commute traffic, in the rain, only to be stood up for a favour he had asked of me the night before. Fine, if that's what it took to wake me up I can deal with it. But then, on the way home I was a little pissed, and being an emotional eater I realized I had a job in front of me. I had to fight my way past a pastry cafe ( I actually went in and browsed before leaving and getting back in the car empty handed), a 7-11 (I almost convinced myself I deserved a hot chocolate), two McD's (just a biscuit, I thought, but drove on) and then stopping to pick up a stocking stuffer made it out of the store without anything to eat. Whew! One final push to get past the local 7-11 and I am home, still without breakfast, and needing to vent before heading for the kitchen to make a green smoothie. So I guess he actually he did me a favor; not only am I done enabling him, I am also starting the day empowered by all the tough choices I made on the way home.

Then getting home. I forgot to take the precautionary measure of moving the chair away from the Christmas tree, and darling little Kaylee had gone to town tearing off ornaments and chewing them up. I swear the tree looked like she had jumped in it to find the little bamboo drums that she apparently found irresistible; the golden beads that had been draped so prettily were all askew and there were needles all over the floor. The little brat. Of course, I have been gone a lot more than usual, so I only yelled at her once (WTF?!) and then picked up the wooden shards, rehung the ornaments that weren't ruined, straightened the tree, and vacuumed. She is hiding in her bed. Which reminds me how glad I am I hid the Christmas chocolates in the closet last night so they were not accessible to her on the bureau like they were yesterday.

Big Sigh. The house is crazy messy right now, you know - the chaos just before everything comes together to look and feel Christmasy? So there is lots to do to keep me busy, and while the pain still comes in waves as things remind me of Joey, it is much more manageable than last year.

Back to work. And Breakfast. Which just makes more work. Sigh.

Oat Bran Blueberry Pancakes

2008-12-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I lay awake in that elusive but sought after dream state where you can really think clearly, and tried to make sense of ... everything. If we are spiritual beings having a human experience, what does that mean? do we choose the experience? in that case is everything preordained so you know what to pick? and why do we pick? do we want to or are we compelled? and who orchestrates that? and how impossible does all of that seem given the way everything intertwines? is that god? is this an experiment? or is this school and someone picks for us? is there nirvana somewhere that we aspire to and have to take certain classes to get in? or by spiritual do we mean purely intellectual energy and we dive into a human life like a ride at the carnival? is that why there is so much suffering on earth? those lives feel more and the goal is to feel - with no difference between good and bad? As you can tell this went on for quite a while, and while the questions kept coming with divine clarity, there were no answers presenting themselves for the session.

My answer ... pancakes! Or rather, one large pancake. 1/2C each lite soy milk and oat bran, 1T flax meal, 1/4tsp each baking powder and soda, 1T raw agave, 1 1/2C blueberries nuked on high for a couple of minutes until it's jam. This made one huge oat bran pancake that fit perfectly in my 9" crepe pan. Cut up and drenched with steaming blueberries this was filling and felt decadent while still falling into the healthy range. So while I am still medicating with food, the good news is that the quality of the food has improved greatly. This high fiber breakfast should keep me happy well past lunchtime ;)

Christmas Trees

2008-12-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

Part of Christmas around here is decorating paper Christmas trees. It all began with Joey winning a craft project in 1st grade (above) 18 years ago, and it grew into a tradition of creating a Christmas tree forest on the wall each year. Friends, children and adults alike, have all contributed over the years and I have dozens of trees.
While taping up paper trees this year I was inspired to make a new cardboard cutout of a smaller tree to mix in with the larger trees. Above is a sample of an older larger tree and a smaller one that I just decorated. Some of the trees have names or years on them, but even if I don't remember who did which tree, I do remember everyone who ever made one, and putting these up brings back good memories. Here is one of the walls from last year.
Anyway, today was wonderful, mostly because my DD and her brand new DD were visiting, and we were decorating the new little trees together. I can see a time when my month old granddaughter will be sitting at the table decorating her first tree, and how we will tell her the story of Joey; this is how sad and sweet go together. But really, I know it wouldn't have been any less sweet without the sad part. I have heard time and again that without the pain, we wouldn't understand the joy, but I don't buy into that anymore.

Of mornings and Geese

2008-12-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't been sleeping consistently well, and last night I took some sleepy stuff. Which means I am groggy this morning. Which pisses me off. I am a morning person, or at least I use to be. And I miss it. I miss waking up glad to greet a day full of possibilities.

<---(I found this picture that I took in Sept '07)

There is a gaggle of geese flying by as I type this morning. It's fun to think that the three pictured here may very well be part of that flying formation. The Canadians invaded our golf course several years ago and just never left. Googling an ornithology map it looks like we should only have them in winter, but I know I have seen them while riding my bike in more clement weather. And this year we are apparently in the flight path of their roosting and eating fields. It's wonderful to hear the honking as they fly by, such a happy sound. While out walking last week a few dozen flew right over me in their large Vee, so close to the ground I could see how strong and solid they are - very majestic really. I just love them. So today begins with something I love, a good omen. It's so nice to have something positive to focus on as I start the day, a little reminder that I am still surrounded by small miracles.

Writing of which, I am reminded; a friend sent me an email recently, highlighting the top ten photos from the Hubble Telescope. And in just one of the beautiful pictures of another galaxy, they noted there were more than 8 Billion stars in just that one picture - and at first I felt so small and insignificant, and in the next moment so very rare and special (another ellie arroway ref.) Certainly if we are so special, then each experience should mean something extraordinary, should signify ... something. If I could just figure that part out, maybe I could feel past this loop I am in and start experiencing more of life again. I am a spiritual being having a human experience...I wish I knew why, I wish I could recapture the feeling that it matters. Now I am really rambling, because that brings the memory of being a little girl. I'm swinging on the front gate of our house, dressed so prettily for ...easter? christmas?... anyway, someone comes to get me (I can't remember who) because it's time to take pictures. And I am mad, and I think something along these lines.."Oh bother, why do I have to be here, why do I have to go through all of this again, I wish I could just go back." Such a strong feeling, such a confidence that I came from somewhere better and that this (my current life) is just temporary. So I know, I really do know, but I just haven't been able to care again yet. And I'm tired of not caring. And now I have to tag this as a pity party. Rats. Shake it off, get dressed, get busy, go go go...

On being a sponge

2008-12-05T09:26:00.000-08:00

Why am I so ... inclined to glom on to whatever I hear or read. You can't sleep, I can' t sleep; you're snacking at night, I'm snacking at night; you didn't exercise, neither did I. It's crazy, like I'm leading bits and pieces of everyone else's life. It' s like visiting with my Canadian cousins and all of a sudden there's an uplift to the end of my sentences. Same thing happened on our surf trip to Mexico - interesting that the countries that border us each have a similar speaking inflection while we in the middle somehow missed that endearing trait. Anyway, lying awake at 3 this morning (why is that the magical number?) I just let my mind go all the places I usually avoid. I use to have this rule that if I was in bed and started thinking about 'work' I had to get up. I was not going to spend personal time thinking about that, and in bed is personal time. But even those thoughts managed to find a place in my meanderings this morning. Eventual sleep broken by a whiny puppy provoked me to the couch, and then the phone ruined even that brief respite. I'm just grumpy, and pissed about it. I need for this to be a productive day. I'd better start with warm feet, then a green breakfast, that will help. No, tea first, clear the head. Then I can think about why I am such a sponge.

Christmas Presents

2008-12-04T20:32:00.000-08:00

I was stressing a tiny bit over what to do about presents earlier today; worried the holiday spirit hadn't kicked in, worried about money or the lack thereof, worried that I wasn't more worried. Then my DD came over with the new baby and we started talking about who she looks like and I pulled out my basket of film. After Joey died I finally got around to putting all my super 8 film onto DVD's - so afraid of losing those memories and wanting desperately to see them, to see him. Last year I picked up the software to make labels, and so I'm thinking this is the year to finally finish up the project and get copies out to the family. When the DVD's were made they also made four master reels that I can still run on the projector; I can see ahead ten years, a. watching her mother on film cavorting naked in the sprinklers and laughing with delight. Anyway, I need to get on that tomorrow and start making copies and labels and christmas sleeves to wrap them in. At least at this point it's just my time that's needed to pull it all together, which is good because that is what I have to give right now. Watching part of it tonight was like having my heart wrenched out of my chest, and we stopped and said our goodnights before it became any more maudlin. Only happy thoughts around that baby! No wrecking the new merchandise.

The chore of keeping busy

2008-12-02T09:00:00.000-08:00

It's a quiet grey morning, the ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum of my puppy running down the hallway and the clickity clack of my keyboard the only sounds in the house, and I find myself turning inward to join the silence. Sometimes on mornings like these I need to make a list to get going: get dressed, make a smoothie, walk the dog. I miss the AM urgency of getting ready for work, of being busy without effort, of feeling productive naturally. So when I realize I need to get moving sometimes making a list helps. I think I need to work on the garage today and clear a path to the Christmas decor; not that I can afford to keep the Christmas lights on as much as usual, but I think it will make me feel good to get them up. My Mom is coming to visit this year (to see her great granddaughter) and I need to make sure she knows I am okay and that it's Christmas as usual. Why is it always more important to make sure others know we are okay, why do we spend so much energy towards that end? I remember when I was working in SF and flying home for visits in LA and I would whip out my Macy's card and buy a couple of new things to wear home so they would 'see that I was ok.' And here I am ..oh, 35 years later doing practically the same thing. Does this mean I haven't grown up? Or that I had it right at 18 and it's important to put on a good appearance. Maybe not for the reasons originally acted on, but because the first step to being okay is pretending. If you act like a duck....etc etc. Perhaps that is just part of how we create our universe. I was speaking to a friend the other day about the holidays and how it's hard to not feel they are jaded by the commercialism. But it brought to mind a quote, lines spoken by Jodi Foster in the movie Contact.
"Ellie Arroway: Funny, I've always believed that the world is what we make of it."

It's the whole 'Secret' thing, create what you want to live, and I want a happy Christmas - even if some of the time it's just pretend.

Soup soup soup

2008-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

While eating mostly plants for health reasons, I cannot let the remains of the feast go to waste. So I am making split pea soup using stock made from the ham bone, and tomorrow I will make turkey stock to freeze and have on hand for lentil soup. The way my house works is that the most delicious smells from the kitchen waft their way back to the bedrooms, and it's always a surprise to walk back there and ... mmmmm, nose up and breathe deep.

We went out to visit our SIL who was working his 2nd job BBQing tri tip at a bar that was featuring a blues band. I hadn't sat in a bar drinking beer in years and it felt good, the music moving through me, working with the beer to thaw my heart for a while. Arriving home to an evening turned chilly and entering the house to the smell of pea soup was divine. I really need to use the crock pot more often this winter. Having a few small containers of soup in the freezer is always conducive to helping make a healthy choice on some future unplanned for difficult evening. We'll eat this plain for a couple of nights, then when my SO leaves on business I'll add in some greens that I've pre-cooked and frozen in 1-1/2C packets both to pump up the nutrient density and change up the flavour.

Surviving a holiday

2008-11-28T19:40:00.000-08:00

Having my sister for the holiday was wonderful. We have become closer in the last few years, visiting and keeping in touch, and I am so glad she was here. The day was filled with cooking, and everything was delish! Especially the new sweet potato recipe, I will definitely do that again. Unfortunately my SO was expecting sugary sweet potatoes so he was a little disappointed. I promised I would make a traditional casserole for him at Christmas. My sis was on dish detail yesterday, bless her heart, and it was a relief to not end the day utterly exhausted for a change. Today when the kids were here most of us took a walk after the leftover ritual of making all-in-one sandwiches. It was a great few days, and unlike last year we were even able to mention Joey out loud. Partly because we see a bit of him in the new granddaughter. Looking at my kid's old pics, there is an age between about one and three where it's hard to tell them apart. Very fun, and so it's not surprising to see him there in the new arrival.

2008-11-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

I can't help but be sad today. I keep thinking of Joey, and how he was the one who made time to help me around the house. It was the haphazard help so typical of young adolescents, but I was careful to ask when I knew he would have the time, and he never begrudged my asking. He cut the wood that's in the wood pile outside, and I need to burn some this winter - this shouldn't be so hard. Saving wood he touch is just ridiculous, but there you have it; proof he was here. The good part is that he was here, that I can think of him as I lay the fire, ready to light on Thanksgiving. He was here, and I can remember him ladling gravy over his plate and shoveling mashed potatoes into his face; how he loved holiday food. He was here, and it was such a precious gift to love him and take care of him the best I could until it was time for him to leave. I keep hearing that I need to be grateful for the pain that comes into my life, to learn from it, and grow. Some days that just isn't possible.
Maybe Saturday....

Lunch

2008-11-24T12:48:00.001-08:00

Busy days, and with bread in the house I will keep my Balance Spray out on the counter to remind me I need not succumb to temptation! I did allow myself an open face sandwich today; the topping is 1/4C smashed garbanzo beans, two leaves of kale finely diced, 1T vegenaise & two greek olives. This is so good on the 9 grain sourdough toast - I just love love love it! Breakfast was a small decaf soy latte while shopping, and I snacked on lots of sweet little red grapes while putting groceries away. It feels good to be able to love the process of getting read for a holiday this year. I still hurt at moments, but I know it will pass and I will be glad again.

Savory twice baked Sweet Potatoes

2008-11-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have been totally engrossed by Fall cleaning, getting the house ready for company, and planning the Thanksgiving meal. While eating mostly plants has given me a new perspective on the menu, I am still looking forward to turkey gravy and mashed potatoes. The dish to challenge me has been the sweet potatoes. I don't want a sweet dish, I am making a vegan pumpkin pie for dessert and it seems silly to have two sweet squash dishes. So I did some searching around and came up with an idea based on two different dishes incorporated with my love of twice baked potatoes. I think I will roast the sweet potatoes the day before, and scoop out the flesh. This I will smash up with a mix of roasted veggies (fennel, red onion & carrot) and a maple, jalapeno sour cream mixture, and then stuff the mixture back into the potato skins. (I envision the tofutti sour cream blended with fresh jalapeño and real maple syrup in my magic bullet.) I can have these made and in a baking dish, covered in the fridge, and ready to put in the oven just before the turkey comes out on T-Day, and they should be sizzling and ready just in time for dinner. So a brand new recipe, never tried, but it feels right enough that it's debut will be on Thanksgiving. I can hardly wait! Now to update the ever-growing shopping list.

Quick Bean Dip Lunch

2008-11-19T11:54:00.000-08:00

I don't always want to take the time to chop a whole salad, and days like now when it's chilly I want something warm. Tossing a couple of corn tortillas in the microwave to crisp and heating up some canned refried beans is quick and easy. Chopping a tomato, green onion & some poblano pepper to throw on top a quick way to appease my guilt at not making a full salad. Spicy and filling, this really hit the spot & satisfied my urge to crunch.

Ten months later....

2008-11-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

I ran across an entry from this past January today while searching for something else online. It caught me by surprise, how weird to have something I wrote pop up on a google query! But I am feeling a little bit proud of myself right now; in January I was having problems moving, and today I walked the dog for half an hour then took a 3.5 mile bike ride. I also made three healthy meals, washed the dog, did some mending on the sewing machine and....I have improved! While it's a little early to be looking back on the year, I'm glad I did, and happy that I took action when I did and made myself get up off the couch. I think this journaling thing might really be helping!