Balance piece

There is nothing like the warm hug of a child fresh out of bed, still heavy with sleep and reeking of innocence, love, and trust. How blessed I am. The despair of yesterday morning is a thing of the past and I am ready for a long productive weekend.

This morning I will make some juice; grapefruit, carrot, blueberries, cucumber, lemon, bok choy and ginger. My goal is twofold; for it to be delicious on the tongue of a four year old so she will load up on antioxidants and support the recovery of her snuffly nose and to give my body extra incentive to fight off said sniffles.

Honey Do List
Defrost the freezer
Walk and brush the dog
Organize bookshelf and move office supplies to garage
Move old TV cabinet to garage and straighten up dining room

That should keep me on my feet.

Breakfast will be juice, Lunch will be more of the same juice but this time blended with Shape, and for Dinner I anticipate some veggie\bean soup from the fridge that needs to be used up. An easy day for dishes and high in nutrients. Win Win.

Oh the despair

This morning I am thinking more and more of this battle we are in; hope and worry fighting it out with anger and frustration. There are no winners, it is a lose-lose situation as the mechanics of addiction steal away our time and energy and resources. Instead of celebrating the raising of A we are drained by the everyday stress that M creates in our lives. 

This is what most upsets me today, that this precious little person in our lives is getting the short end of the stick. How can we practice patience when we are exhausted emotionally, how do we sit and play when we are scanning the house for who may have been there while we were at work, how do we leave for the pool when we are  worried about what may be missing or out of place at the house.

I once counseled R that she would know when she reached her ‘line’. That mystical place where she and A became more important than saving M. Have I reached my line? I said I would support whatever she decided, that I was here for her and wouldn't meddle. But it is harder every day, watching her pain and how she fluctuates between hope and despair.

How much more of my life am I willing to give to this madness?  I can pretend for hours at a time that whatever happens is just the way it is, but I know in my heart we do have some say in our destiny, that we were given the powers of choice and change, and that we are not exercising those options.

And of course while I say I am thinking of A this morning, really I am thinking about myself and my daughter and what needs to be done to put us in a place to take better care of A. In this situation, abundance does trickle down from the top, and if we do not have our ‘muchness’ then how can we pass any on to her.

We need some damn oxygen masks.

I want to eat the world

I want to slice it up in big crusty wedges and cram them into my mouth until every last crumb and pebble is gone and I no longer wish to eat.

I started back on the CBS products today - they gave me relief from this overwhelming feeling of gluttony and this morning I couldn't face another day of that wretched angst - thank heavens I had some left overs from the plan.

There were so many times I could have \ should have written over the past couple of weeks, but there was no desire to do so, and without that...well, what's the point. I suppose there is something to be said for having a daily exercise in writing, but that is for actual writers. I hadn't even realized it had been so long until signing on just now. That would be the addictive nature of online farming, swallowing up my time and brains until my existence shrinks to such a small spark that I might as well not even be here.

Just pathetic. Oh how I can wallow.  All the good and bad parts of my life are still here, but I am apparently choosing to ignore them all and instead eat everything in site, as is my wont when stressed. But as usually happens, nothing satisfies the hunger and here I am once again making a valiant effort to regain lost ground. bummer.

So I have sweet potato and kale soup heating in the microwave, and have opened up the house to let the breeze in. The dogs are clamoring for their turn at the trough, so I am off to slog through the chores that seem more mundane than ever this late Summer afternoon.  I wonder where my good mood went, but am grateful it lasted as long as it did - practically a record come to think of it.

Fight fight fight. I walked at lunch, finding redwoods and eucalyptus to shade my way, and had homemade juice with Shape for lunch. I accomplished much at work, and will find something positive to do this evening. I will.

Beautimous!

This morning is all about the juice, and what a beautiful site it is. I had purchased the juicer after seeing Fat Sick and Nearly Dead over a year ago and mulling it over. Then of course right after I brought it home Orenda announced the CBS plan and I had to participate. And glad I did, but now I can revisit the whole juicing experience and incorporate that as part of my plan to create a healthier lifestyle. I'm betting this shakes up wonderful with my scoop of Shape for lunch!

Beets, oranges off the tree in back, an inch of ginger, an English cucumber, and a couple dozen big black seedless grapes. Oh so Yum and with the exception of a taste left in the fridge for the girls, packed away in my lunch bag to take to work. I can't begin to describe how rich and silky and delicious this is. 

Time to take my treasure and hit the road.

Update: I have to say this is the best Shape shake I have ever had. I added a scoop to my juice at work and shook it up and...wow! Beets and chocolate, a marriage made in heaven.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30 or100/100 or 1/1

As proof positive I have not been paying attention, my 100 day mark came and went yesterday with only the smallest of blips on my radar. I found myself thinking, "Oh, my hundred days are up, I can stop eating now." There are many things inherently wrong with that thought, but it does speak to my ongoing struggle with goals, deadlines, and mental challenges. Like looking in the mirror, seeing a slimmer version of myself, and immediately upping my calorie intake. I still haven't figured out that part - how is it wrong to look nice - and until I confront that particular demon I would imagine there isn't a plan on earth that will help. It must stem back to being molested as a child when I was endowed early with breasts and hips, but really, I thought I had let that go a long time ago. So what is it then? I love how I feel when I lose a few pounds, and then a few more. Why is it so alarming when I actually 'see' the results? Why the rebound eating? I wish I could just vacuum out my brain and start fresh - wait, isn't that what they call a pre-frontal lobotomy?

Anyway, I am happy to have lost and kept off 15 pounds, and I am still losing and gaining back another 5 so at any given day it may be 20. Each time I realize things are getting snug I become conscientious about using the CBS products and the pounds come right back off. I am hoping this is a transitional stage and that I will continue to lose now that I am free from the self imposed burden of a 100 day challenge. This is why teenage rebellion is so important, if you don't do it then, it rears it's ugly head later. Like in your fifties when you are supposed to be all grown up. Which is a delusional state in and of itself, but that is a conversation for another day. Besides helping me lose weight the plan did help me refocus on whole foods, nutrition, and taking care of myself better; all good things. And I reordered a bottle of Clean so I can continue using it one day a week just because it makes me feel...well, clean! I like feeling lighter in body and mind those days, not to mention the break from cooking.

I hate that I have decided there will always be good and bad days, because I believe thoughts are things and I need to keep working on weeding out the bad thoughts. I am better at it than I used to be so there is progress being made.

In any case, while disappointed that I couldn't focus my attention on the CleanBurnShape program for the full 100 days and can't help but wonder what would have been the result if I had just followed the plan for those days (such a short time in my life. Big Sigh) I am nevertheless feeling good, have more pants that now fit, and am looking forward to incorporating the products into an ongoing nutritious food plan.

Thinking about that, here is how the day is shaping up. We are just back from walking to the golf course coffee shop for a breakfast of sourdough toast and eggs over easy. This  morning I blended and reduced some left over bean soup into creamy, rich and delicious re-fried beans to use with the ripe avocados that are hanging out on the kitchen counter for taco salads at lunchtime. Then a Shape shake for dinner with spinach and blueberries, my favorite go to.  

As for the week, I'm not making my usual batch of weekend soup, it's time for a freezer purge and to use up all the frozen portions of homemade soups and stoups so those will be lunches or dinners next week depending on my mood. So for now the plan is back to normal, each day having a veggie bean soup, a chopped salad, and a green smoothie. I'll keep adding a scoop of Shape to my smoothies, and incorporate a clean day once during the week. I believe I can still be a smaller size come Thanksgiving, but am setting no specific goal for my monkey brain to fret over.

I really missed swimming last week, so I need to brave the cooler weather and make that happen on an almost daily basis again. Eat healthy, move more. That's the plan. Oh, and quit with the bread already! Jeez Loueez.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30 or 97/100 or 1/1

Well those days flew by! Lets see, Sunday was productive as I spent some much needed time on housekeeping tasks; it felt good to be on my feet and puttering most of the day. While I have been gaming on the computer too much other times I also realize the need for a little escape so am not being too hard on myself about it. It was wonderful to watch A looking forward to our picking up R from the airport, and better yet to watch their reunion late Sunday night. I am so glad my daughter is back home, what a relief to pass back the responsibility of A to her! And last night M arrived back home - the dynamics of the house will change once again. But I am not worried this time, my head is in a better place. Life is what it is and will unfold accordingly - isn't that how I have lived mine up until this point? Right or wrong, good or bad, that's how I walk my particular path.

Yesterday, and Monday also, I have continued to enjoy a mental clearness that has been missing of late, as in the last couple of month. I have been able to win all of the small battles - no fast food or coffee has passed these lips - and recognized them as the small important steps they are. Even with the drama unfolding at work (and being unfriended on Facebook to boot!) I have been good to myself and skipping the treats so often found there. 

Speaking of treats, did you know there is such a thing as root beer float day? I was informed of such yesterday and the three of us had small floats for dessert. Fun! And I am a firm believer that a small controlled portion of a treat, shared with family to celebrate something silly, is never a bad thing.

There was even one day recently that I didn't feel like eating; for a compulsive foodie like me this is like a mini vacation and I reveled in feeling hungry but not wanting to eat for a change. What a relief for that small persistent voice to be silenced for a day. And I guess that it is since that day that I have been on my game - making conscious decisions and recognizing the baby steps that will make me feel better. Eating whole foods, not indulging on seconds when I am not hungry, not snacking at night. I'm still incorporating my green Shape shakes into every day, and while I have't had a 'clean' day in longer than I can remember, I do remember every so often to use the Clean a couple of times in a day, mixing up two servings and drinking one at breakfast and the other at work later. I'm a little nervous about running out of the Burn in a few days, but I can always order more so I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

As I think I mentioned on Saturday, it feels so good to be me for a while! Which is a little bit of a scary thought - this recognition that I think of myself as a split personality. I can't say that feeling this way is necessarily abnormal, but I can say I recognize that I like who I am right now, and not so much who I am when I am being driven crazy by the small nagging compulsive voice that comes to visit. Last night is a perfect example. I couldn't sleep, and somewhere in the wee hours of the new day my stomach began to gurgle. I thought, a handful of cashews would calm my stomach and then I could probably sleep. But the answer was immediate and clear - I don't want to eat anything, this is the time my immune system needs to work it's wonders. And that was that. Done deal. No midnight snack and no angst about it. If only I could have felt this way the past two months while using the CBS plan - but no crying over spilt milk, just moving on.

My prayer this morning is to have more days like this, to keep walking on the light side for as long as possible.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30 or 93/100 or 1/1

Work, play, work, play...needing a little grown up time (given that play time is usually with A) I have planned a road trip to the Paso Robles Macaroni and Cheese festival! H and I will drive down Saturday and then spend the night after indulging ourselves at the festival, Having a nice breakfast somewhere local before driving home on Sunday will complete the date. Also on the agenda is to visit my newly engaged cousin, who will be a vendor at the event with his bride to be whom I have never met. Fun! And three weeks of looking forward to it.

This was such a busy week with having A all to my self and such responsibilities that come inherent  to the task; I didn't even realize I wasn't writing until just now. We have had a busy morning; smoothies for breakfast, a massage for me which meant packing up a bag of diversions for A while I was getting worked on, shopping for a birthday present to take to the impending party, and then packing up the required items for the super fun afternoon and evening she has planned. At the party they are swimming, then watching a movie in the back yard in sleeping bags - it doesn't get much more fun than that when you are four and a half. I get to stay home and have a hard cider and watch whatever I want on tv!!

I am easily pleased.

And in a good mood today finally. As always I wonder where this part of me goes, and why I have to disappear at all. Very frustrating. I even put back the loaf of sourdough we had picked up while at the store, knowing one slice is never enough and not wanting to go through yet another loaf of bread. God it feels good to be sane for a change.

I don't want to use my back today, instead I will let my newly stretched muscles enjoy being unknotted so I will blend up some Shape for dinner and give them a rest from chopping veggies. That is one thing the CBS plan has reminded me of, I don't need to always chop up everything. Whole is better for our jaws anyway! Picking up fruits or veggies and eating them with minimal prep is quick and easy too. I've been packing bowls of tomatoes, asparagus, celery, peppers - whatever is handy in the fridge - to eat at work or on the drive home. All so delicious. 

4pm, time for a cider and a show, then a quick tour of the kitchen straightening up. I love weekends.